Step Families Support Group

Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.

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/ Step Families Support Group

for partners of step parents

deleted_user
deleted_user
my son is four, and he is going through that not listening phase at the moment, but my BF has been, saying things like "maybe you should smack the little shit" and things that stop my heart when i hear them he even used the c**t word when discibing something that my son had done the other day. he doesnt say it so my son cant hear tho and it must feel awful for him to hear such things. i think this is highly over the top, and i keep trying to tell him that my son is only 4 and its just a phase we have to get him through, but my BF continually snaps at my son, orders him about, and when im telling my son to do something or saying he has done something wrong, my BF is right behind me cutting me off and lecturing my son more than needs be.
its really frustrating and it causes so many arguements between us, i just want him to respect my son but if i say anything, my BF says he doesnt feel like part of the family. i dont think he is reasonable and diplomatic enough to even speak to my son at the moment and i can see it really hurts my boy because he looks up to my BF so much.
sorry this is so long, but does anyone have advice, i have tried looking at it from my BF's perspective but i think he is being unreasonably angry and resentful.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It'll get worse not better.
When he gets around to smacking the little s... he may do real damage.
Time for motherly instincts to start protecting her kid and there is only one way to be sure its permanent.
Get rid of him.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My son just turned 5 this summer. He has been in the not listening phase forever! But this is because his father and I have probably been too lenient due to our divorce (the guilt issue). My new husband doesn't understand because his girls (who live w/ their mom) have very strict disipline. If your BF does not have children of his own, it must be really hard for him to understand, but it takes work to get children to listen and understand and the same technique does not work for all of them. Yelling at them can backfire. Perhaps you should tell your BF that you are going to do the disciplining for now - it sounds like he gets too angry. I have found that talking and explaining is more effective then yelling or threatening a spanking. Being consistant, talking calmly, giving consequences and following through. Good luck...you need to make a stand now or you may regret it down the road.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i agree with you. i think he is being unreasonably angry and resentful too. it is hard to hear someone speak ill of our children, andit is gut wrenching to hear the one's we love most to speak ill of our children. he should let you do the disciplining and he shouldn't be running behind you taking over you being a mother. that's disrespectful to you and your son. is your boyfriend interested in all in going to counseling? i feel like it is manipulative and controlling to say he feels like he isn't part of the family just because you want him to be respectful.
CosmicLibrarian
CosmicLibrarian
I agree with OrangeCounty. Dump the guy before he does physical and emotional damage to your son. I wouldn't take very kindly to him cursing in front of my child either. This man has control issues. Sounds like you could be next on his list for abuse. I would NOT tolerate any of this. Speaking about being violent, will only lead to it becoming a real and serious issue down the road.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I will not get better. Has your bf ever talked to you this way....ever? Please don't make the mistake of siding with your boyfriend. Your son will most likely see that as "you choosing your BF over him" 4 years old is just a little child. And yes, they can be cantankerous and they can try your patience but it doesn't appear that your bf has patience for your son and I'd be hard pressed to say he has any love for him. We don't treat people we love that way. I am sorry this is so blunt, but I lived with a verbally abusive father for 17 years and it has affected me still as a 41 year old. I think you are right, he is over the top. And I would remind him that he just can't decide to be a part of your family. He has to be accepted into your family by your son and he is not doing anything that would want your son around him. If he truly wants to be with you and that means includind your son, he needs to let YOU do the disciplining and if he has suggestions on disciplining he should tell you those in private and let you decide how to proceed.

I wish you the best of luck
deleted_user
deleted_user
I nor anyone else can tell you what to do but read your own post...what would your gut reaction be? I know if I had a son and what my boyfriend did bothered me (whether or not 'others' thought it inappropriate or not) I would terminate the relationship. You are the mother, your bf at best is a guy to look up too and he isn't acting in anyway you'd like your son to grow up and act like...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I nor anyone else can tell you what to do but read your own post...what would your gut reaction be? I know if I had a son and what my boyfriend did bothered me (whether or not 'others' thought it inappropriate or not) I would terminate the relationship. You are the mother, your bf at best is a guy to look up too and he isn't acting in anyway you'd like your son to grow up and act like...
deleted_user
deleted_user
While I'm sure your BF has good qualities, your son is so little and needs you more than your BF does. Also, your BF needs to respect you enough to respect your son. He is a part of you and if he thinks 4 is tough, he's got another thing coming.

Best advise, put your son's needs before anything else. You're going to be the one to truly make the difference in his life and no one should speak to or about your child that way.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Believe me when I say that it will not get better. I have been hoping for it to get better for 6 years. I got married when my son was 3 and soon after the new baby was born the biological ties kicked in for my husband and he plays favorites big time. They fight non stop and really it rips my heart out that two of the people I love most in this whole world seem to hate each other so much. It has literally caused us to consider divorcing. We have two children together. My sincere advice to you is to get out before it's too late.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with those who said you should dump your bf. If you let him stay, it won't be long before it goes from him saying "you should smack the little shit" to actually doing it. And more than likely it will then escalate to hitting you. Don't put your child or yourself in a position for that to happen.
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