Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
OK, this is going to be a long post, but I want to put all the facts out there . . .
I am 28. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I was married once before and have a 6 year old daughter from that marriage.
My husband was married once before and has 3 kids from that marriage: a girl, 13; a girl, 10; and a boy, 5.
I hit it off immediately with his kids, and he hit it off immediately with my daughter. Our kids love each other very much and do not refer to each other as step-siblings. His kids call my daughter their sister, and vice versa.
When we got married, my husband and his ex shared custody. She had them during the week, and we got them every weekend. I have full custody of my daughter, and she goes to my ex every other weekend.
Shortly after getting married, we started hearing about things that his ex was doing that we didn't feel were good for the kids. We sued her in family court to get custody. The final custody hearing was set for 8/29/05. Well, we live in Biloxi, MS, and that was the day that Hurricane Katrina hit. Needless to say, the hearing didn't happen.
My husband and I lost our home in the storm. It flooded, and we didn't have flood insurance. Well, my husband got hooked up with an independent insurance co., and we went to work there. We had to work 7 days a week, 12 hours a day in another state, but we were making combined $20,000 PER MONTH! We had to do it. That money rebuilt our home. His ex also went to work for this co. She lost nothing in the storm.
Because of the hours and having to work out-of-state, my husband, me and his ex sat down and decided that the best thing would be if the kids went and stayed with my husband's aunt in NC while we worked this job.
After 4 months, my husband and I just couldn't take it anymore. We missed the kids so much, and the work was burning us out. That is a lot of money to walk away from, but the kids were more important to us. We got them from his aunt, brought them home, and enrolled them back in their normal school. My husband and I set about rebuilding our house ourselves.
Meanwhile, his ex was still working for that co. in FL, making $10,000 a month, but wouldn't send us any money to help with the kids b/c she said we didn't have custody. Then she met a VERY wealthy man down there who is double her age, and married him. WITHOUT EVEN TELLING HER KIDS. I'm the one who had to tell them that they had a new step-dad they had never even met.
In April of 2006, she came up here and signed an agreed order giving us full custody of the kids and paying child support.
Here is where it gets interesting. She rarely ever calls the kids (Maybe once every 2 months), she sees them once a year for a few weeks in the summer.
She clearly chose her care-free life with her new husband over her kids, but they have her on this golden pedestal. It drives me INSANE!
She'll send them a box of T-shirts, and they will go on and on about what an awesome mom she is. I'm thinking in my head, "Big deal, she sent you some shirts. I'M the one who is here for you every day, not HER."
Everytime they mention her, I just want to scream. She abandoned them.
When the 13 year old started her period, I was the one who taught her how to use the products. I taught her how to shave her legs. I had THE sex talk with her. I took her shopping for her first bras.
I do everything that a mother should do on a daily basis for these kids. In my opinion, anyone can be a mother. All that requires is giving birth. It's what you do after that makes you a mom.
Anyways, I have been so tempted to sit them down and just lay it all out there and tell them what a huge piece of poo their mom is, and showing them all the things I do for them that she doesn't.
But I haven't done that, because I know in my heart that's not the right thing to do. But how do I handle this? I can't help how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, getting no where.
I get along with them awesomely and love them as if they were my own. And they tell me all the time that they love me, but they are VERY quick to inform anyone who might mistake me as their mom that I am in fact not their mom, just their step-mom. It is so hurtful. In my eyes, I'm not their mother because I didn't give birth to them, but I am their "mom" because of what I do for them.
Am I just a terrible person for wanting to scream at these kids that their mother is piece of crap who doesn't deserve their loyalty and that I am 10 times the woman she is?
Sorry this is so long, but thanks for letting me vent! Any advice, opinions, or insight are appreciated.
I am 28. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I was married once before and have a 6 year old daughter from that marriage.
My husband was married once before and has 3 kids from that marriage: a girl, 13; a girl, 10; and a boy, 5.
I hit it off immediately with his kids, and he hit it off immediately with my daughter. Our kids love each other very much and do not refer to each other as step-siblings. His kids call my daughter their sister, and vice versa.
When we got married, my husband and his ex shared custody. She had them during the week, and we got them every weekend. I have full custody of my daughter, and she goes to my ex every other weekend.
Shortly after getting married, we started hearing about things that his ex was doing that we didn't feel were good for the kids. We sued her in family court to get custody. The final custody hearing was set for 8/29/05. Well, we live in Biloxi, MS, and that was the day that Hurricane Katrina hit. Needless to say, the hearing didn't happen.
My husband and I lost our home in the storm. It flooded, and we didn't have flood insurance. Well, my husband got hooked up with an independent insurance co., and we went to work there. We had to work 7 days a week, 12 hours a day in another state, but we were making combined $20,000 PER MONTH! We had to do it. That money rebuilt our home. His ex also went to work for this co. She lost nothing in the storm.
Because of the hours and having to work out-of-state, my husband, me and his ex sat down and decided that the best thing would be if the kids went and stayed with my husband's aunt in NC while we worked this job.
After 4 months, my husband and I just couldn't take it anymore. We missed the kids so much, and the work was burning us out. That is a lot of money to walk away from, but the kids were more important to us. We got them from his aunt, brought them home, and enrolled them back in their normal school. My husband and I set about rebuilding our house ourselves.
Meanwhile, his ex was still working for that co. in FL, making $10,000 a month, but wouldn't send us any money to help with the kids b/c she said we didn't have custody. Then she met a VERY wealthy man down there who is double her age, and married him. WITHOUT EVEN TELLING HER KIDS. I'm the one who had to tell them that they had a new step-dad they had never even met.
In April of 2006, she came up here and signed an agreed order giving us full custody of the kids and paying child support.
Here is where it gets interesting. She rarely ever calls the kids (Maybe once every 2 months), she sees them once a year for a few weeks in the summer.
She clearly chose her care-free life with her new husband over her kids, but they have her on this golden pedestal. It drives me INSANE!
She'll send them a box of T-shirts, and they will go on and on about what an awesome mom she is. I'm thinking in my head, "Big deal, she sent you some shirts. I'M the one who is here for you every day, not HER."
Everytime they mention her, I just want to scream. She abandoned them.
When the 13 year old started her period, I was the one who taught her how to use the products. I taught her how to shave her legs. I had THE sex talk with her. I took her shopping for her first bras.
I do everything that a mother should do on a daily basis for these kids. In my opinion, anyone can be a mother. All that requires is giving birth. It's what you do after that makes you a mom.
Anyways, I have been so tempted to sit them down and just lay it all out there and tell them what a huge piece of poo their mom is, and showing them all the things I do for them that she doesn't.
But I haven't done that, because I know in my heart that's not the right thing to do. But how do I handle this? I can't help how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, getting no where.
I get along with them awesomely and love them as if they were my own. And they tell me all the time that they love me, but they are VERY quick to inform anyone who might mistake me as their mom that I am in fact not their mom, just their step-mom. It is so hurtful. In my eyes, I'm not their mother because I didn't give birth to them, but I am their "mom" because of what I do for them.
Am I just a terrible person for wanting to scream at these kids that their mother is piece of crap who doesn't deserve their loyalty and that I am 10 times the woman she is?
Sorry this is so long, but thanks for letting me vent! Any advice, opinions, or insight are appreciated.
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And I should say that this isn't a problem 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just whenever she is brought up.
It gets especially bad around times they are supposed to go see her. All I hear about is how cool she is b/c she lives in Miami and has a 2 seater convertible, yada yada, yada. As soon as she left the kids and moved down there, the first thing she did was buy that car.
That sent a huge message to me . . . if you have 3 kids, but buy a 2 seater, I guess you don't plan on having your kids, huh?
I would love to have a cute little Sportster to zip around in, but I have 4 kids to transport here, there, and everywhere, so I have to drive my big ole' Expedition. It's called being responsible.
On a brighter note, Cody, my 5 year old step-son made me feel sooooo good today.
I got to the school a little early to get the kids, and was sitting in the car, reading a book. His class was at recess, and I was parked right next to the playground. I looked up and he and some friends were standing at the fence, waving to me. I rolled my window and said, "Hey, booger." He started giggling and turned to the 2 little boys with him and said, "That's my mom." It felt so good to hear that. And he's right. I may not be his mother, but I AM his mom.
How is your family doing now sincew you rebuilt
The kids will figure out themselves what type of "MOther" they have had all these years. But they will always run to you when they need the truth, need help w/life, need counsel, and need a shoulder to cry on. They will run to her for materialistic stuff. Be proud!
Then, two days later, we're in the car going down the highway, and we asked if he knew how to make the 18-wheelers honk the horn. He didn't, and we taught him the horn-pull motion with the arm, then got him to try it with a truck when we passed, and when the truck honked the horn, he was SO excited. It was such an awesome moment. That he followed up by saying, "My mommy can make trucks honk their horn. She doesn't even move her arm, she just does this" (and he patted his hand on his thigh a couple of times). What a BUZZKILL.
And one more! A few months ago, we mentioned something about going to the beach, and he pipes up and says he's never been to the beach before! Crazy, since we took him on 2 beach vacations last year! So we say "Are you *sure* you haven't been to the beach??" And then he says oh yeah, he forgot, he has been...that his mommy took him! I wanted to puke. His mother has NEVER taken him to the beach, or anywhere else for that matter. His father and I provide the exposure to life, love, and fun...but he associates the memories of those events with her?? Does she have to steal EVERYTHING??
It is so hard not to respond to him, "Um, your mommy is a loser who doesn't show you jack or take you anywhere, so will you PLEASE stop talking about her!!!"
And now I'll stop rambling and give you a tidbit to maybe help!
My sister reminded me last night (and hopefully this will help you): children who are born to and grow up with mothers who beat the living crap out of them daily still love those sorry-ass mothers. It's a natural, animal bond that you cannot break. One day many many many years down the road they may at least see them for what they are, but they will STILL love them and hold them in some weirdo special esteem and regard.
Keeping that in mind, of COURSE he's going to think his mommy's great, even though his father and I are the only ones parenting and sacrificing. It's just an overall thankless job, except for the small moments in between, like your booger-parking-lot moment, that have to tide you over. That, and your own ability to look in the mirror every day and see a person who is doing the right thing, even if they don't get the daily thank you's and praises they deserve.
However, i get the same thing, they see there mom once in a blue moon, but if she does something as simple as buying them a pair of sandals, she's the hero. UGH...it's so frustrating.
I just try to remind myself that I was a step-kid once, and I remember how good it felt when the absent parent (in my case, my dad) actually stepped up and did something. I'm sure I did the same things to my step-dad. But now that I'm an adult, I see things for what they really are. I just keep a smile on my face and hope that some day my kiddos will feel the same way! (big hug!)