Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group

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I am in my very early 50's and have been going through this with my husband for 2o years. I have noticed that many of you are still in your 20's or 30's.
I have always felt bad because he likes the young things and I felt ugly and old. He tells me certain movie stars are too old for his tastes etc.... Its an eye opener to see all you beautiful ladies that are still so young ???? Not sure what to think of this. Life does not seem fair in this area to any age. level of beauty , devotion, or commitment. What exactly do these guys want when they have all of us behind them? I guess it proves that its really NOT us ! So........ If its NOT us how do we fight it ?
I have always felt bad because he likes the young things and I felt ugly and old. He tells me certain movie stars are too old for his tastes etc.... Its an eye opener to see all you beautiful ladies that are still so young ???? Not sure what to think of this. Life does not seem fair in this area to any age. level of beauty , devotion, or commitment. What exactly do these guys want when they have all of us behind them? I guess it proves that its really NOT us ! So........ If its NOT us how do we fight it ?
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I will be blunt.. I have a curvy backside, and ok, I admit, it's really nice :) Good size, shape, etc. I have no complaints! And my fiance loves it...but then all his porn is centered around that body feature (I think one was called round mass of ass. Nice.) And I watched it once, and they have cellulite and lumps and busted up faces. Now why would he choose to watch stuff like that when he has a better version right in front of him? You got me! I am not vain, but I know for a fact I am better looking with a better rear end than any of those girls. And anything (really, anything!) he's ever wanted to try, I have, with enthusiasm!
So yes, after looking at his collection I realized it isn't me. Now if he was watching porn about like...petite asian chicks, yes, I would be paranoid. But it's not me, I realize that now. It's the compulsion.
I am 40 btw, I think I am pretty with an aging face and messed up body but ok, not totally disgusting. I can clean up well and from a distance look good. That said, I think that my husband could do worse, and he does with porn. He says no man would want me if they got to know me, and this hurts but looking at what he likes tells me he is not a good judge of a quality woman.
I had to really sit down with my fiance and talk about that. I don't just mean him telling me I was hot, or good in bed, or whatever. I needed him to really explain to me what he got from porn, what the draw was. It was really hard for him to say, because he spent his whole life hiding that part of himself, and I really forced everything out into the open.
I thought it would be hard for me to hear the things that drew him to porn over me. But it really wasn't. Since that conversation I honestly have not felt self conscious at all, it's been amazing. I won't go into what he said, because his reasons will be different than anyone else's. But I will say I dreaded having that conversation, but it was just fear of the unknown. That talk was one of the best ones we've ever had about the addiction, and it allowed me to understand that it wasn't about me.
So as much as it may be scary to really ask your husbands why they watch porn when you are right there, I would recommend it. It was extremely healing for both him and I and since then I have never looked down on myself physically because of this addiction. That talk allowed us to begin moving forward.
Try asking them, you may be surprised at what you hear :) But try to go into it with an open mind, and be prepared to just listen, because it will be really difficult for them to say.
I just came to realize that because he rejects me...I don't have to. But, I do reject his image of me. And I reject his treatment of me too. I reject that he chose looking at little photos over how I feel. The photo takes precendence over how I feel. The real woman who makes him feel good..about something...I assume that's why I'm here. Because I make HIM feel good...in some way. Not sure how that works exactly.
I saw the images he finds so stimulating and the feelings he has associated with that ugly stuff is not something that I want. I don't want him looking at me that way....ever! I'd wanna slap his face off if I thought he fantasized about me in that position....doing that...like that.
If those ladies...pardon the expression...were in his presence...they'd probably wanna slap his face off too...because he isn't providing the large dollar figure they get to let someone treat them that way. Ha!
He says he doesn't think of me that way, because he respects me. Good idea...if he likes the shape his face is in...HA! But, the fact that he thinks that way about anyone makes me sick. Wow what an insight into his mind that was. Very enlightening. Still getting enlightened...daily.
It isn't the ladies of the night ladies...it is the feeling they associate with them. The ladies are just photos...they do nothing...are nothing. But, what of the perp? What is HE providing to those photos? HIS thoughts. The photos do nothing but make me sick. I'm providing that feeling. He provides his own...from his head. And...ooooooooh, do I ever reject that! He knows he an't treat me that way...I would surely make tracks! So, he does it to other women in his little mind...where they can't slap his face off. That's the way I see it.
The worst thing we can do in this battle is to personify what they do. I obsessed about this for years. But by me shelving all the blame, he was happily not takin responsibilty for his actions.
We all go thru the 'I'm too fat, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not young enough". But honestly, its a wasted energy. By being the strong and CLEARLY fabulous bunch of ladies that we ALL are, this puts all the responsibilty back on them. Its their fault, their poor decision making, and they are being selfish within our relationships.
Hold your heads high, and throw it back in their faces!
He says I look good, and that he has always like the way I look. It isn't us. It's the fact that they can't get enough. They are so engulfed in their trance of addiction, that it doesn't matter what we do or what we look like.
I tell myself this. He has told me this. It is just going to take some time for me to really believe it, you know?
Point is I did all that thinking he would want me more and it didn't help at all...so no its not what you look like at all. Trust me on this one!
I loooooove my body and I love me! Sometimes ya just gotta look in the mirror, give yourself the once over and say, yeah, I got it!
If they won't notice it, screw them. Notice it in yourself! And hey, if other men notice you let them ;)