Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
My boyfriend of two and a half years recently revealed to me that two months ago he slept with two different people (incidents occurring within days of each other). One of these people was a woman who he had been involved with previously and has had feelings for, but recently the two have been "just friends." He assures me that their relationship, despite the intimate encounter two months ago, and the history they share from several years ago, is purely platonic. But it is hard for me to swallow this information as a lot of my trust in him has been lost. He blames this situation on an addiction to sex, but I wonder if that's possible since something similar hasn't happened since then, and I've never noticed a compulsive or unhealthy behavior in regard to sex before. To make matters worse, this week he is traveling to Europe to visit this friend who has been living there for about two months. This is very distressing for me and I'm not sure where to go from here, I was wondering if I could get some support on this site. Thank you.
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Also, by his definition any relationship is platonic, as long as you are not in the bed at that moment (!) It sounds like he is moving on but wants to keep you hanging in case it doesn't work out. Are you down with that?
If he lacked the willpower to not sleep with an old flame when they met up, then he should not be disrespectful to you, and continue to see her. I think this so called sex addiction is his ploy to justify his actions.
However if he has always needed sex from you on a daily or twice daily basis, or refered to porn and masturbation also on a daily basis, and for long periods. Well then yes he may be an addict.
But I'm sorry i think it may be playing you. I hope for your sake he is not. I wish you well.
As for my thoughts on this: your boyfriend has only given excuses so far. However, since he has blamed his "sleeping out" (as you might call it) on a sex addiction, than make him responsible for his actions. This is going to be the hardest part so I'll give it to you in steps:
1) Read about codependency and make sure you aren't. This can be more than a clingy girlfriend (dependent codependent). It can also manifest itself in an "I want to fix everything" attitude. If you know for a fact your not, or if you have dealt with this issue then...
2) Give him an ultimatum. He has to seek help for his addiction in at least 2 ways (meetings, books, accountability partners, internet software - so his e-mails, chats, etc can be monitored, ...). If he doesn't do this within a month, you're gone. One of the things he has to do is be impeccable on his trip to Europe.
3) The most important thing is to STAY STRONG. He's either serious about this problem or he's not. And if he's not, he's only going to continue to take advantage of you. I know you have a history together, and I'm sure TONS of happy memories. But the ladies on here will all say the same thing....those years aren't worth half the stuff many of us have endured. Life does go on if he's not the one. And if he is...well, he'll prove it.
Best of luck!!!