Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
So, I have been here for a few days now, have read alot of everyone's posts, been taking it all in. Its tough, seeing so much pain, it brings all of mine to the surface. BMy nagging thought is this:
After the H's have been in recovery for a while how does starting up a sexual relationship go, if you have at all? I am thinking I never want to be touched by this person who has hurt me over and over and over...... I mean, really, are any of you satisfied with your sex lives now? I know, its hard work, you can't expect it to get there overnight. But does it EVER get there? I want to feel good again, I want sex for God's sake! We've had sex maybe 3 -4 times in the last year because of all this and I don't see myself wanting it with him, well ever at this point. I am really wanting some brutal honesty from anyone here, does it ever feel 'right' again? Do you ever want him again? I feel like this is important information for me so I can figure out if this relationship has a chance because I have realized that I am not willing to be sexless or unsatisfied or disrespected, etc. in this area of my life anymore. But, then I also have realized the chances of me having a healthy sex life with anyone are probably gone from all I have been through and how it has screwed me up anyway. Sorry to be so negative, I just really struggling here. I have anxiety ALL the time, pretty much have become an insomniac. So, this one question would be helpful to here about.
Thanks in advance for your willingness to share :)
After the H's have been in recovery for a while how does starting up a sexual relationship go, if you have at all? I am thinking I never want to be touched by this person who has hurt me over and over and over...... I mean, really, are any of you satisfied with your sex lives now? I know, its hard work, you can't expect it to get there overnight. But does it EVER get there? I want to feel good again, I want sex for God's sake! We've had sex maybe 3 -4 times in the last year because of all this and I don't see myself wanting it with him, well ever at this point. I am really wanting some brutal honesty from anyone here, does it ever feel 'right' again? Do you ever want him again? I feel like this is important information for me so I can figure out if this relationship has a chance because I have realized that I am not willing to be sexless or unsatisfied or disrespected, etc. in this area of my life anymore. But, then I also have realized the chances of me having a healthy sex life with anyone are probably gone from all I have been through and how it has screwed me up anyway. Sorry to be so negative, I just really struggling here. I have anxiety ALL the time, pretty much have become an insomniac. So, this one question would be helpful to here about.
Thanks in advance for your willingness to share :)
-
Here's a survey of where your MS has been and where it is now. A.) Type of MS and year of DX, (or no dx)B.) On a scale of 1 - 10 with 1 being so few symptoms that it does not affect your life at all to 10, you are unable to get out of bed and need 100% care what is the worst (you have BEEN with your MS "EVER."C.). On a scale of 1 - 10, (same thing), but where you are at (at this point in your...
-
I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
This addiction certainly does play havoc with our sex life. It affects us so personally, its hard not to feel vulnerable and less than giving after being lied to or betrayed!
I admit over the years to have emotionally turn off my h, felt neglected, not attractive, and have punished him with no sex. I was hurt and he was hurt and we went around in circles not getting anywhere.
I suffered a breakdown and had two years of therapy, in which i gained much strength. It taught me to not personify what he did, hell no it is not my fault! But it was not until i begun reading and educating myself on Porn addiction, that i truly healed. With knowledge, came power. I stopped punishing my h, and began understanding his poor decision making. I no longer feared SA/PA nor him. The jig was up for him!
He has not looked at porn since November 07, and we committed to recovery after a full disclosure in May 08. By not personifying his betrayals and constant lies, i was able to forgive. With forgiveness i was able to love him again. Yes sex has been amazing again. He really tries, and gives, i certainly feel loved. Oh it was hard at first, but over time, with communication and alot of bloody hard work by him (grovelling), it is back to passionate.
For me trust has been harder to restore.
To recap on rebuilding a sexual relationship, look it takes time and effort. He's broken the sacred bond, its up to him to do the hard yards! Don't do anything that your not comfortable with, you'll only regret it. (crying and snot is not attractive foreplay, been there!)
Even if you start with naked cuddling, intimate kissing, just take it slow. If he's genuine on repairing his damage, he'll wait for you.
I tell everyone, there is always hope. Knowing where i was, even a year ago, well anyone can do it. It just takes a team effort.
You know, I read your post and came up with my answer in my head....then read Trina's post. It's basically the same. The more I became educated about the addiction, the easier I could separate the addiction from the man, and the better I could love the man again.
Now, granted, I have triggers that set me off on an emotional rollercoaster, and yes, there are even times when my husband does something less than romantic (see: he's such a jerk), which causes us to have to work on these issues further. But I would definitely say that we do have some healthy sex now. And good sex. Even great. HOWEVER, we were separated for 2 months after his discovery, and the sex took awhile to get comfortable again. It really depends on how well he understands your insecurities, and how slow he's willing to work through them. But like Trina said, there is hope...
He claims to know now. He tries to overcome MY barriers to him. Maybe he can...maybe not. I don't know. Time will tell. But, he better, because if he can't, I'd rather quit the practise entirely than have it HURT me. Sex shouldn't HURT ME! He can leave. Go whack away whereever. I will turn my life to other endeavors. I don't have to have sex. It is supposed to be pleasant...if it can't be pleasant...then I won't ruin my drive for his needs. He's been good at taking caring of them himself.
I don't believe that they are addicted by definition. Just my personal belief...and his psychs. A huge behavioral habit? Yes! Addiction? No! Addiction from my view come from an outside the body "chemical" interference, like drugs...alcohol...nicotine. There is none involved in porn and masturbation. Habitual? Yes? Satisfying for them? Yes! It can create a reliance over time on masturbation though if excessive. Many of then get where they can't maintain an erection for penis/vagina stimulation. Requires more resistence...like a hand? They have probably also learned to prefer the visual stimulus and the ease of masturbation over having to relate and please a partner. WOW...really lazy!
He strives to please ME now. He strives to make love to ME! That is where it will be and that is where it will stay. He has his work cut out for him. He really did it this time. I ignored his little habit...kind of...seventeen years ago. I failed to address it head on. I just told him cut it out or you'll ruin or marriage and our sex life. I let it go there. Never checked on him...ever. And find last year that he had continued...BIG HUGE mistake on his part. Now he has my full attention. I don't check on him now either. I do check on how he treats me. How he tries to MAKE LOVE with ME. If he can't do that...I won't be screwed (ha...a funny) but HE will. Because I won't put up with any nonsense. Been there...done that! He's on trial now. Show me who you are!
Maybe my attitude will cost me my marriage, but if so, it wouldn't be much loss, because I am not happy with that stuff in my life anyway. So, where's the loss really? Just an end to his intrusion on my happiness. And I found an intersting thing...maybe because I'm lucky and he does love me...who knows...I don't know for sure...but that when I earned my new attitude, when I became willing to let the relationship go, he cried like a baby, quit his nonsense and shi//y attitude and came running. He hasn't quit following since either. And, if I were him, and I did love me, and I did want the relationship I wouldn't quit following, because if he makes that mistake and thinks he can cop the attitude and continue any nonsense with me, the door will slam shut...and he'll get nowhere...but out of my life....especially my sex life...which I happen to prize too...just like he does his. I've become an Equal Opportunity Spouse. Yeah!
The celibacy route we did and honestly that was the best thing to help us. He was able to separate the real from fake. Once he stopped feeling the lust he could introduce the real back into his life. That was well worth it.