Excuse the typos - I was typing too fast :)

Hi Hawksridge :)

This addiction certainly does play havoc with our sex life. It affects us so personally, its hard not to feel vulnerable and less than giving after being lied to or betrayed!
I admit over the years to have emotionally turn off my h, felt neglected, not attractive, and have punished him with no sex. I was hurt and he was hurt and we went around in circles not getting anywhere.
I suffered a breakdown and had two years of therapy, in which i gained much strength. It taught me to not personify what he did, hell no it is not my fault! But it was not until i begun reading and educating myself on Porn addiction, that i truly healed. With knowledge, came power. I stopped punishing my h, and began understanding his poor decision making. I no longer feared SA/PA nor him. The jig was up for him!
He has not looked at porn since November 07, and we committed to recovery after a full disclosure in May 08. By not personifying his betrayals and constant lies, i was able to forgive. With forgiveness i was able to love him again. Yes sex has been amazing again. He really tries, and gives, i certainly feel loved. Oh it was hard at first, but over time, with communication and alot of bloody hard work by him (grovelling), it is back to passionate.
For me trust has been harder to restore.

To recap on rebuilding a sexual relationship, look it takes time and effort. He's broken the sacred bond, its up to him to do the hard yards! Don't do anything that your not comfortable with, you'll only regret it. (crying and snot is not attractive foreplay, been there!)
Even if you start with naked cuddling, intimate kissing, just take it slow. If he's genuine on repairing his damage, he'll wait for you.

I tell everyone, there is always hope. Knowing where i was, even a year ago, well anyone can do it. It just takes a team effort.

Welcome to the board Hawksridge!

You know, I read your post and came up with my answer in my head....then read Trina's post. It's basically the same. The more I became educated about the addiction, the easier I could separate the addiction from the man, and the better I could love the man again.

Now, granted, I have triggers that set me off on an emotional rollercoaster, and yes, there are even times when my husband does something less than romantic (see: he's such a jerk), which causes us to have to work on these issues further. But I would definitely say that we do have some healthy sex now. And good sex. Even great. HOWEVER, we were separated for 2 months after his discovery, and the sex took awhile to get comfortable again. It really depends on how well he understands your insecurities, and how slow he's willing to work through them. But like Trina said, there is hope...

Okay Gurl: Here it is for ME. I do have sex with my H...when "I" want to and the way "I" want to. I will not allow him to touch me without being in eye to eye contact...centered on LOVING me with his body...not LUSTY crap...I won't allow it...now or ever! I have HUGE problems even then. He can lead with affection and stay in that vein or back off of me! He has occasional ED and that really sets me off. Gotta pay for your play I guess for him...not sure yet. "I" have turn-off buttons often. Really frustrating! I doubt that it will EVER be what it should be...for me. I can't see how. To me that is impossible...like trying to be a virgin once again. His porn images are there in my mind. Where are they going to go? Away? I don't see how. So, I have set very rigid barriers in my mind to even go there. The only way I can cope with sex with him is from an affectionate springboard. He can take it or leave it. Used to try to PLAY with sexual games....not PORN...but won't any more. Those are not for me. They feed his mind set about sex. Won't go there. I want a change of mind set, so I don't feed it.

He claims to know now. He tries to overcome MY barriers to him. Maybe he can...maybe not. I don't know. Time will tell. But, he better, because if he can't, I'd rather quit the practise entirely than have it HURT me. Sex shouldn't HURT ME! He can leave. Go whack away whereever. I will turn my life to other endeavors. I don't have to have sex. It is supposed to be pleasant...if it can't be pleasant...then I won't ruin my drive for his needs. He's been good at taking caring of them himself.

I don't believe that they are addicted by definition. Just my personal belief...and his psychs. A huge behavioral habit? Yes! Addiction? No! Addiction from my view come from an outside the body "chemical" interference, like drugs...alcohol...nicotine. There is none involved in porn and masturbation. Habitual? Yes? Satisfying for them? Yes! It can create a reliance over time on masturbation though if excessive. Many of then get where they can't maintain an erection for penis/vagina stimulation. Requires more resistence...like a hand? They have probably also learned to prefer the visual stimulus and the ease of masturbation over having to relate and please a partner. WOW...really lazy!

He strives to please ME now. He strives to make love to ME! That is where it will be and that is where it will stay. He has his work cut out for him. He really did it this time. I ignored his little habit...kind of...seventeen years ago. I failed to address it head on. I just told him cut it out or you'll ruin or marriage and our sex life. I let it go there. Never checked on him...ever. And find last year that he had continued...BIG HUGE mistake on his part. Now he has my full attention. I don't check on him now either. I do check on how he treats me. How he tries to MAKE LOVE with ME. If he can't do that...I won't be screwed (ha...a funny) but HE will. Because I won't put up with any nonsense. Been there...done that! He's on trial now. Show me who you are!

wow sheen, thanks that was really insightful. I am going to copy that if you don't mind and read it again! You are really great, I needed that advice!

MMMMMMm Enjoyed reading the eye to eye part. My husbands favorite sexual position is sidways with my back to him !

Thanks KarmicKiss: I've had some time to think this year. I can do it when I want to...HA! I let everything go....my housework....my contacts...whatever! And I have read...studied...asked myself questions...about what I am FEELING...what I want to FEEL and what I DON'T. I KNOW that now. I seek THAT now. I don't SEEK him...he SEEKS me...and he'll have to continue if he WANTS ME. If he doesn't, I'd be wasting my time trying to enter his naughty little world, wouldn't I? That's where he wants to go...NOT ME! Why would I even get close to going to HIS little world that I HATE with him? I allowed that unwittingly to come into my bedroom...very superficiallly so......but won't again. He can make LOVE to me, if he so desires. But,he won't ever take me to his LUST land of perversion. EVER EVER EVER! And if that means he has to go, then he does, because that's not what I want.

Maybe my attitude will cost me my marriage, but if so, it wouldn't be much loss, because I am not happy with that stuff in my life anyway. So, where's the loss really? Just an end to his intrusion on my happiness. And I found an intersting thing...maybe because I'm lucky and he does love me...who knows...I don't know for sure...but that when I earned my new attitude, when I became willing to let the relationship go, he cried like a baby, quit his nonsense and shi//y attitude and came running. He hasn't quit following since either. And, if I were him, and I did love me, and I did want the relationship I wouldn't quit following, because if he makes that mistake and thinks he can cop the attitude and continue any nonsense with me, the door will slam shut...and he'll get nowhere...but out of my life....especially my sex life...which I happen to prize too...just like he does his. I've become an Equal Opportunity Spouse. Yeah!

Yes the eye to eye is very very important so they know they are living the real thing and not with a fantasy. I refuse to have sex with the lights off of without him looking at me that was part of the condition.

The celibacy route we did and honestly that was the best thing to help us. He was able to separate the real from fake. Once he stopped feeling the lust he could introduce the real back into his life. That was well worth it.

I say tell him you have decided to become a PORN addict, too, so, you don't need him anymore. HAAA HAAA! ;0)