At this point, I dont want to know how even see that in my picture. I am really angry (obviously) LOL! So, I don't think it would be good for either of us.

I guess if you are at the point that you could be objective about the situation and not emotionally impulsive and HE could trust you to be his "go to guy" it could work. I think you are so strong! I am so grateful for your insight and humor! Hope today is a good one!

I just don't know if it is possible, at least for us, who are in the beginning stages, again. The trust is pretty much gone, so he feels that even if he tells me the truth, I won't believe him, or may still have doubts, which is true. When I signed up for this marriage, it wasn't to be cheated on and to be his "accountability partner" for his wandering eyes. I think it is almost better for him to have someone else who hasn't had their trust broken and who has "been there." Right now, it isn't possible for us either, as there isn't a support group close enough here, so he has to ba accountable to me until that time. I hate it!!

Trina,

All I know is that in AA, the number one rule of sponsorship (or accountability partners) is that it can not be your partner!

I have worked in the addictions field and never seen this work, but if anyone can, you can girl!

I think more importantly, you need to ask yourself if this would be good for you as well. We spouses are in recovery as well, and I know the inclination is to think this will help you, but realistically will it?

I was my fiance's for a while, and it was extremely damaging to my self esteem. I don't understand what it's like to see some stranger in public and think about wanting to sleep with them. He would call me, or tell me when we were out, how he was triggered and I never let on to him, but it was so painful for me to hear. To know some girl who walked by made him think about sex... and it wasn't me. So hard. I am so glad he has (two now!) sponsors, because it was becoming this mother/child relationship. It was maybe helpful for him, but very difficult for me. To know the sheer number of times a day he was triggered made me trust him less. I didn't expect that! Now granted, this was 6 months ago and I've come a far way since then.

We fell into a trap, from being accountability partners. Our entire relationship revolved around it. Instead of porn consuming us, recovery was, and it was just as difficult. It was all we talked about, and we forgot how to just have a normal conversation. It's like we always say on here about snooping...be careful of what you may find out. I know you posted that thing your husband wrote about lusting after those girls walking by. Being his accountability partner will involve a lot of things like that, and it will stir up those feelings, so be sure it will be healthy for you!

That being said...he needs to be WAY more communicative. My fiance now divulges everything to me about his struggles, but he unburdens it to his sponsor as well. So I can just support him, but not feel as though it's my responsibility. It's maddening to be their accountability partner in a way, because you become invested and their slips feel like your problem too. That's why a sponsor or someone familiar is better, they don't get offended to hear about stuff like that and they understand.

Just ask yourself babe, do you really want to be that for him, or do you just want him to let you in more than he is? There is a middle ground between you being shut out, and you being his accountability partner.

Just some thoughts, we tried it and it was a BIIIIIIG mistake :) MWAH!

Oooooh, that would hurt! I know you're a big spirit from the way you talk...but why walk out on an unstable glass floor? You already give him options to talk to you and you handle it. What more can YOU do for him? Sounds like you need to try and make things easier and better for you...not harder. Hugggggg!

"He was worried if he told me i would get upset."

This may be the answer to your question, Trina. This is the reason I am not my h accountability partner -- if I had to hear all his struggles, I would lose it. Instead, he goes to his men when he is tempted, struggling with lust, etc. I have asked to know if he slips...and not in an accountability sense. It's just because I need proof that he won't lie or try to keep it hidden. But I'm not the go-to girl if he falls; he goes to the group for that.

As you stated, Trina, I am my h's accountability partner......have been from day one (over 1 year ago). It has been hard and I didn't even know if it would be possible to do, but through God's help, perseverance, patience and compassion for my h we have survived. There were many hard times down the road during his recovery, let me tell you. Trust was the biggest issue. How could I ever believe he would be honest with me (his accountability partner) about his triggers, his temptations when he had lied to me my whole married life? I struggled with this for some time. I know there were times that he was probably not being honest to me because he either one, didn't want to hurt me with more truths about his addiction and two because he didn't want to believe himself that he had been tempted with lust. All in all, it has worked, ultimately in the end, with much success over this past year. Finding the things that worked and tweeking the things that didn't work. Is it right for everyone? NO. But I believe the reason for our high degree of success in his recovery was my h's own deep remorse for how he had hurt me (in his own words), the person he loved the most and his commitment to me and God to change. To learn how to respect and honor women for the incredible people that we are and to stop objectifying women as he had done his whole life, even as a young boy.

So, my final word on this subject, is YES, it can work with much effort. Is it easy? NO. Is it right for everyone? I would have to say it is not right for MOST! But, if your h or SO is committed to truly changing and willing to talk openly and DAILY about his addiction then it is possible. I think it takes an incredibly strong yet compassionate woman to be an accountability partner, because you open yourself up to even more hurt while you yourself are trying to heal.

I will never forget this as long as I live. My h has told me this on more than one occasion. He told me that if it had not been for my keen insight into his addiction, and my compassion and willingness to help him through his recovery, he doesn't know where he would be today. He said these words to me with deep sincerity, with tears streaming down his face.......it touched my heart so, I too cried.....we embraced and wept in each others arms. It was on these occasions that I realized I made the right choice to stand by my man! He is my Knight in Shining Armour, the man I adored the day I married him and the man I adore even more today!

I think it's also important to note, accountability partner or not, it's important to try to be understanding and not get mad when they are honest. Otherwise it will discourage them from doing it in the future. I noticed as soon as I stopped flipping out over him telling me stuff, he began being honest all the time :)

Trina, I'm with you! My H just told me he crossed boundaries last night. Its sooo hard to keep our pain from turning into anger. I have asked that he tells me everything, not so I can support him, I think that's an unfair position for both of us, but so that he doesn't have a part of his life kept secret anymore. I truly believe that that is more damaging than the act of masturbating or looking at porn. With ath said, when he tells me I told him not to expect a gold medal for telling me the truth, that is what healthy people in healthy relationships do regularly after all!

So, I told him I expect to be told, as soon as possible, because I just can't take another time of 'finding out' and that when he tells me that I need to know all of it, that what, why, where, when, and god forbid, the who. Otherwise, later more information will come streaming out and I will realize he minimized. After he tells I explained I may need a day, or three! before I can rationally respond. I need to feel what I am feeling, to work it through. It is unfair of him to expect more of me at this time. If he put himself in the position to have to come to me and divulge information that is hard for him to fess up to, that is not my fault or problem, I should not be expected to remain rational and calm when I feel hurt, betrayed, uncared for. I know its an addiction, but let's face it we still all have those feelings when they act out. If he needs support for what he is going through he has a group.

One other thing: I think these boys of ours need to grow up, grow a set, and face their problem. Which means talking to us about it! We aren't their mothers, we are not going to ground them for god's sake! If they can't withstand some crabbiness and hurt feelings on our part through this process, how do they expect us to get past this? Seriously, the I was afraid to tell just does NOT fly with me anymore, sorry if that sounds harsh but give me a break, we have been through just as much hell and we are still standing by them, hoping for the best, aren't we?

Kaola yes I agree. My husband never trusted anyone to be his accountability partner. I was my h and it was always so difficult for me. The key is to not get mad when they screw up or you not serving the purpose of the accountablity partner. That person is someone they can disclose everything to. And he would need to be comfortable enough with you to disclose it all without fear of hurting you are making you upset. So yes its possible but you have to be able to step back and not take it personally.

Even though we are splitting we have discussed this and I will continue to be his combatiablity partner and knowing we are not going to be intimate anymore will make it a easier job for me....

So ask yourself if you can stomach "Everything he says" and not take it personally?

Thanks dear friends for your input. I seem to be having a bit of a funk. The day after i posted this question, i had quite a strong trigger day. You know the ones, where something small can set you off on a time warp back to an emotional hell they put you through thanks to a betrayal (all in my journal).
Any way i think i was feeling vulnerable. We talked that night. He told me he had struggled that day. (Mentally is was jumping for joy, that he was disclosing this!) I somehow managed to keep my composier, and casually asked "Oh, how so?"
He said, it was Monday morning, the kids were back at school, i was back at gym and he had the morning all to himself. He felt a little lost, almost abandoned. (sound familiar szq?) He did sit and watch the Super Bowl, but he admitted that over the last few years this was a time he would struggle and out of boredom, would fall into the porn trap.
He said when he went to work at lunch time, and saw me across the road at the coffee shop that afternoon with my girlfriends and got upset, teary even. He said he thought i just looked beautiful (aw!) and is scared of failure, and losing me.
I, of course reasssured him that if he continued this kind of honesty and we kept communicating and working at it together, then together we will be. We also talked about how i was also triggered by that morning. I felt a million times better afterwards. There is nothing better than being listened to, and heard!
Just maybe, this might work.

Thanks for listening
Trina xxx

P.s
I forgot to mention, that we are now working on a plan to not have him sitting around bored on Monday mornings. Try as i may i cannot get him to the gym, now that would a miracle! ...ha ha ha

Awww I am sooo glad! You did great Trina!! Way to be supportive and let him talk through it!!

The boredome thing is a huge trigger for my fiance as well. I have him hooked on the Xbox360 which really helps :) He never used to play it, but now he uses it when he's bored. I always tell him to go buy a new game anytime, because they're a fraction of what the porn DVDs cost anyways!! The Xbox and the gym have really helped him with that!