Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group

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Is it possible that the spouse can be an accountabilty partner, to the SA in recovery?
We lack support groups here in Australia, and living rural is even worse. H has seen a therapist now since Nov 02. After many half hearted attempts at recovery, (and him finally admitting it was a problem) he finally committed to true recovery in May 08, after a full disclosure of all betrayals. We always had a communication problem, so on condition of me staying and fighting this with him, one final time, he was to be honest with me and communicate if not coping.
In this time of recovery he has grieved porn, but moved forward well. My biggest gripe has been that he doesn't seem to still initiate communication with me on SA matters. I always have to be the one to ask "How are you going sexually, any problems?" Its always met with a toe curling, I'd rather have a prostate exam, type of answer. This type of communication just doesn't help build the trust back in our relationship!
So again i bring this up a few days ago. He had been away with my son in the city, on a state cricket competition. Upon questioning he becomes evasive and flippant. Further pressing by me, and he admits to masturbating his first night while hiding in the toilet of the hotel. He claimed he was worried how he was going to cope on his own for a few days, and just wanted to get rid of his load, so he could deal with triggers easier.
I was cross, this was 6 days earlier and he had not mentioned it yet. In fact he never mentions it! So i give him the whole if you want to help build trust speech, and he says 'He was worried if he told me i would get upset. And is worried that if i told him the truth it would hurt my feelings, and that i would think he was weak'.
I told him i was proud of him for identifying he was struggling, and doing something healthy, before it became a problem. I told him i need to hear that he is actively working on it, so i can trust him again, and that it showed strength not weakness to deal with it positively. So he tells me, in future he will talk to me, and he didn't realise this was what i was talking about.
I don't know what the hell he thought he was suppose to tell me, but anyway...........waiting
I know there are only a couple of you at this stage. Szq is her h's acc partner, cali your not, are you?
Anyone else, is it a dream/fantasy to think we could work at this together?
We lack support groups here in Australia, and living rural is even worse. H has seen a therapist now since Nov 02. After many half hearted attempts at recovery, (and him finally admitting it was a problem) he finally committed to true recovery in May 08, after a full disclosure of all betrayals. We always had a communication problem, so on condition of me staying and fighting this with him, one final time, he was to be honest with me and communicate if not coping.
In this time of recovery he has grieved porn, but moved forward well. My biggest gripe has been that he doesn't seem to still initiate communication with me on SA matters. I always have to be the one to ask "How are you going sexually, any problems?" Its always met with a toe curling, I'd rather have a prostate exam, type of answer. This type of communication just doesn't help build the trust back in our relationship!
So again i bring this up a few days ago. He had been away with my son in the city, on a state cricket competition. Upon questioning he becomes evasive and flippant. Further pressing by me, and he admits to masturbating his first night while hiding in the toilet of the hotel. He claimed he was worried how he was going to cope on his own for a few days, and just wanted to get rid of his load, so he could deal with triggers easier.
I was cross, this was 6 days earlier and he had not mentioned it yet. In fact he never mentions it! So i give him the whole if you want to help build trust speech, and he says 'He was worried if he told me i would get upset. And is worried that if i told him the truth it would hurt my feelings, and that i would think he was weak'.
I told him i was proud of him for identifying he was struggling, and doing something healthy, before it became a problem. I told him i need to hear that he is actively working on it, so i can trust him again, and that it showed strength not weakness to deal with it positively. So he tells me, in future he will talk to me, and he didn't realise this was what i was talking about.
I don't know what the hell he thought he was suppose to tell me, but anyway...........waiting
I know there are only a couple of you at this stage. Szq is her h's acc partner, cali your not, are you?
Anyone else, is it a dream/fantasy to think we could work at this together?
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I guess if you are at the point that you could be objective about the situation and not emotionally impulsive and HE could trust you to be his "go to guy" it could work. I think you are so strong! I am so grateful for your insight and humor! Hope today is a good one!
All I know is that in AA, the number one rule of sponsorship (or accountability partners) is that it can not be your partner!
I have worked in the addictions field and never seen this work, but if anyone can, you can girl!
I think more importantly, you need to ask yourself if this would be good for you as well. We spouses are in recovery as well, and I know the inclination is to think this will help you, but realistically will it?
I was my fiance's for a while, and it was extremely damaging to my self esteem. I don't understand what it's like to see some stranger in public and think about wanting to sleep with them. He would call me, or tell me when we were out, how he was triggered and I never let on to him, but it was so painful for me to hear. To know some girl who walked by made him think about sex... and it wasn't me. So hard. I am so glad he has (two now!) sponsors, because it was becoming this mother/child relationship. It was maybe helpful for him, but very difficult for me. To know the sheer number of times a day he was triggered made me trust him less. I didn't expect that! Now granted, this was 6 months ago and I've come a far way since then.
We fell into a trap, from being accountability partners. Our entire relationship revolved around it. Instead of porn consuming us, recovery was, and it was just as difficult. It was all we talked about, and we forgot how to just have a normal conversation. It's like we always say on here about snooping...be careful of what you may find out. I know you posted that thing your husband wrote about lusting after those girls walking by. Being his accountability partner will involve a lot of things like that, and it will stir up those feelings, so be sure it will be healthy for you!
That being said...he needs to be WAY more communicative. My fiance now divulges everything to me about his struggles, but he unburdens it to his sponsor as well. So I can just support him, but not feel as though it's my responsibility. It's maddening to be their accountability partner in a way, because you become invested and their slips feel like your problem too. That's why a sponsor or someone familiar is better, they don't get offended to hear about stuff like that and they understand.
Just ask yourself babe, do you really want to be that for him, or do you just want him to let you in more than he is? There is a middle ground between you being shut out, and you being his accountability partner.
Just some thoughts, we tried it and it was a BIIIIIIG mistake :) MWAH!
This may be the answer to your question, Trina. This is the reason I am not my h accountability partner -- if I had to hear all his struggles, I would lose it. Instead, he goes to his men when he is tempted, struggling with lust, etc. I have asked to know if he slips...and not in an accountability sense. It's just because I need proof that he won't lie or try to keep it hidden. But I'm not the go-to girl if he falls; he goes to the group for that.
So, my final word on this subject, is YES, it can work with much effort. Is it easy? NO. Is it right for everyone? I would have to say it is not right for MOST! But, if your h or SO is committed to truly changing and willing to talk openly and DAILY about his addiction then it is possible. I think it takes an incredibly strong yet compassionate woman to be an accountability partner, because you open yourself up to even more hurt while you yourself are trying to heal.
I will never forget this as long as I live. My h has told me this on more than one occasion. He told me that if it had not been for my keen insight into his addiction, and my compassion and willingness to help him through his recovery, he doesn't know where he would be today. He said these words to me with deep sincerity, with tears streaming down his face.......it touched my heart so, I too cried.....we embraced and wept in each others arms. It was on these occasions that I realized I made the right choice to stand by my man! He is my Knight in Shining Armour, the man I adored the day I married him and the man I adore even more today!
So, I told him I expect to be told, as soon as possible, because I just can't take another time of 'finding out' and that when he tells me that I need to know all of it, that what, why, where, when, and god forbid, the who. Otherwise, later more information will come streaming out and I will realize he minimized. After he tells I explained I may need a day, or three! before I can rationally respond. I need to feel what I am feeling, to work it through. It is unfair of him to expect more of me at this time. If he put himself in the position to have to come to me and divulge information that is hard for him to fess up to, that is not my fault or problem, I should not be expected to remain rational and calm when I feel hurt, betrayed, uncared for. I know its an addiction, but let's face it we still all have those feelings when they act out. If he needs support for what he is going through he has a group.
One other thing: I think these boys of ours need to grow up, grow a set, and face their problem. Which means talking to us about it! We aren't their mothers, we are not going to ground them for god's sake! If they can't withstand some crabbiness and hurt feelings on our part through this process, how do they expect us to get past this? Seriously, the I was afraid to tell just does NOT fly with me anymore, sorry if that sounds harsh but give me a break, we have been through just as much hell and we are still standing by them, hoping for the best, aren't we?
Even though we are splitting we have discussed this and I will continue to be his combatiablity partner and knowing we are not going to be intimate anymore will make it a easier job for me....
So ask yourself if you can stomach "Everything he says" and not take it personally?
Any way i think i was feeling vulnerable. We talked that night. He told me he had struggled that day. (Mentally is was jumping for joy, that he was disclosing this!) I somehow managed to keep my composier, and casually asked "Oh, how so?"
He said, it was Monday morning, the kids were back at school, i was back at gym and he had the morning all to himself. He felt a little lost, almost abandoned. (sound familiar szq?) He did sit and watch the Super Bowl, but he admitted that over the last few years this was a time he would struggle and out of boredom, would fall into the porn trap.
He said when he went to work at lunch time, and saw me across the road at the coffee shop that afternoon with my girlfriends and got upset, teary even. He said he thought i just looked beautiful (aw!) and is scared of failure, and losing me.
I, of course reasssured him that if he continued this kind of honesty and we kept communicating and working at it together, then together we will be. We also talked about how i was also triggered by that morning. I felt a million times better afterwards. There is nothing better than being listened to, and heard!
Just maybe, this might work.
Thanks for listening
Trina xxx
P.s
I forgot to mention, that we are now working on a plan to not have him sitting around bored on Monday mornings. Try as i may i cannot get him to the gym, now that would a miracle! ...ha ha ha
The boredome thing is a huge trigger for my fiance as well. I have him hooked on the Xbox360 which really helps :) He never used to play it, but now he uses it when he's bored. I always tell him to go buy a new game anytime, because they're a fraction of what the porn DVDs cost anyways!! The Xbox and the gym have really helped him with that!