I have been trying to deal emotionally with the consequenses of my husbands infidelity for 11 years now. It has not gotten easier even though he stopped cheating about 6 years ago. The fact that he had a child from one of his affairs is what hurts me the most. I am at a crossroad right now because I know he is not cheating anymore but I dont' know how to deal with my stepson. It feels very odd saying that word and that's exactly why I feel so horrible. I feel like I am the worst person in the world because I don't know if I can ever accept his son. The child did not ask to be born and I know he is not to blame but he is a constant reminder of my husbands betrayal. I hate feeling resentment towards the child but that is what I feel. Every day I pray that I can accept him and I have yet to feel that. My husband and I have 2 daughters and my oldest daughter has asked me twice, how my husband's son can be her brother if I'm not his mother? We lived together 3 years before marrying and of course everything was great. A month after we married he cheated on me for the first time with someone he met online. I was devastated but we did go through counseling to work through the trust issues that arose from the affair. I'm not saying all our problems were resolved but we did learn to communicate better. It was very hard because the other woman would not get out of our lives. She became obsessed with my husband and would show up at his work. He ended up quitting because of it. She tried to get my husband to stay with her by claiming she was pregnant ,which turned out to be a lie. The final straw was her attempted suicide. My husband called her family and told them she was going to kill herself but he wanted nothing to do with her. After all that drama I thought he learned his lesson. I was wrong. He began cheating with the mother of his son a few months after the first psycho. She too was in la la land because she thought he was going to leave me for her and he would become her one year old's new father. She started looking for a divorce attorney for my husband so they could get married. He ended the affair because he thought she was getting "too serious". Well he started up with another self loathing woman. I really don't know how many affairs he had because I didn't want to know after finding out about number 5. I did find out the mother of his son kept trying to get him back throughout that period. She convinced him to see her one last time(like she put a gun to his head) and that last fling resulted in her pregnancy. Of course she started calling him at work and my husband told her he would go to court to prove paternity. The fact that he cheated on me with her twice is more hurtful than the others because I feel like maybe she was more than a fling. I live in a small town and I still see my stepson's mother at the grocery store , which takes every ounce of self control not to cause her bodily harm. My husband and I have gone through counseling but we still need it. I do see a change in him but I hate feeling like the evil stepmom because I don't feel motherly love towards my stepson. I want to love him because he is an innocent child but the constant reminder of my husband's betrayal makes me feel horrible inside. I don't understand how there are some women who hate themselves so much they get joy out of destroying other people's lives. I know ultimately the fault lies with my husband but having my stepson's mother in our lives makes it harder to deal with the infidelity because his son is right in front of me. My husband tells me there is not a day he does not regret the choices he made but frankly his words mean crap. The truth is I have not forgiven him. I may have started the healing process but I never healed completely because he kept cheating. I don't know what to do. I think I still love my husband but I have so much anger and resentment. I don't know if I'm staying with him for our daughters or because I truly love him. He is a great father, he just hasn't been such a great husband. Every marriage has its trials and tribulations but the basic foundation is trust. I just don't know how much longer I am willing to work at trying to trust him.
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