I want to never smoke again. Last week I did this Lifeline treatment (2nd time) and after seven days and the stress of the holidays I cheated. Using this treatment your not supposed to smoke. I have both times. I get extreme hyper tension when I quit so I take anti-anxiety meds. I've been trying to quit for ten years now and I fear its at a point where the quitting itself is turning into an addiction game: hide, sneak, and smoke. My latest scare other than just feeling like crap was when the docs found mild plaque build up on my aorta, well this type is caused by age and ciggs. It runs in my family on the male side as far as I know I'm the only female. I told my kids quitting was one of their christmas presents cause I figure you can't take a present back and my children in so many ways have saved my life. Now, I've borrowed the present three times today. I'm getting to the point where i am disgusted with myself. Physically I know I need to quit, mentally I want to, willfully I'm blowing it. My whole family smokes but are being supportive by not smoking near me, hiding ciggs, going outside, when finding me smoking haunting me to give it up, and even though it is accessible to a point it is still my behavior that is going back. This Christmas was hard because last year's Christmas was the best ever and then my beloved mother-in-law dies from cigg. related death on Jan. 25. I failed quitting even after watching her die, choking to death, unable to breathe on her own. Well now I'm need people I don't know yet to get me through this. AA worked when I was an emotional alcoholic, it was some where to vent. I don't want to keep doing this to everyone I love dear, putting them through my early death, being the biggest b----h on the earth, and screaming. I want to be at peace and quit but I don't know if I am capable of it. Cutting down has shown instant benefits which helps some but my desire to inhale, then exhale and feel relief is so freakin' (can tell what generation I'm from, eh) strong. I carry a polished rock with nurturing written on the one side and when times are tough I perform a conscious breathing mantra until it chills but its never really gone. Okay! 6:00 p.m. last cigg and I really need this site to get through I don't want to be smoking in Christmas 2008. This time is the most significant for me which I am hoping will be enough to kill the desire. To deal with the hyper tension I right now I clean, clean, clean. I am hoping the little I have cheated will make it easier physically but mentally is the biggest struggle. I feel better for right now and really needed to vent.
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