Hi, Jules.

First, nicotine is the most addictive drug there is and you're hooked on it. Nicotine has hijacked your brain's pleasure/reward centers and that is where the addiction is formed.

Second, many tobacco users are depressed to some extent and are self-medicating with nicotine. Since nicotine gives an artificial boost to the pleasure/reward centers, the user gets a bit of a high that does not occur naturally because of the depression. This tends to make it quite challenging to quit.

Third, I believe that people are not judging you nearly as severely as you are judging yourself. Anyone "yelling" at you for your smoking is likely doing it because they care for you and do not enjoy seeing you harm yourself with cigarettes.

Fourth, quitting cold turkey only appears stressful. What is stressful is the withdrawal symptoms caused by nicotine deprivation. It is the very beginnings of these symptoms that make you reach for a cigarette. You get them, I'm guessing, at least every 60 minutes, but they don't become actually noticeable because you go ahead and get your fix before they do.

Finally, don't worry about if you can quit or not. There will come a day when you will. Of that, there is no doubt. If you simply wait until that day comes, the questions are "When?" and "How?". If you do not chose for yourself when you quit, the answer to the "How?" may be "Slow, lingering, and painful."

You don't seem to like the idea of the patch. Perhaps, given your depression, an antidepressant such as Zyban (Wellbtrin/bupropion) would be in order. You should have a chat with your doctor.

Quitting is possible and there's a lot of proof of that "out there". You simply have to have the desire to quit be stronger than the desire to smoke. You are thinking about quitting and somewhere in you is the knowledge that it is in your highest and best interest to do so. That is the first step, Jules, and a big one.

Strength, wisdom, peace, and blessings to you, Jules.
Shevie
Quit May, 2005

Trust us Jules, we know where you are with this. We have all been there. No one can force you to quit. That's your decision. When you are ready, you'll do it. Have faith in yourself. You'll know when it's time.

Oh, jeeze! When I was 20, quitting was so far from my mind! I blew smoke straight into those non-smokers smug faces, in an act of defiance! I loved being a smoker, I was never going to quit!
Listen, I know exactly where you are at. Yes, it is bad for you, you know that and you don't need other people telling you that. Are smokers demonized in this society? Yes. You ARE being judged, but as shevie said, probably not as harshly as you think. You know you need to quit, but don't feel you can and don't really want to. So I am going to say this, don't. You will not be able to quit until you want to. And trust me, you will know when you want to.
My suggestion is to hang out here, read posts and journals, make friends and ask questions, it may get you thinking about it more, the fact you are here is a good step.
Good luck, I'm glad you came here!

For years my mom would ask me when are you going to quit, my answer "I'm too young to quit" Year after year of National Smoke-Out I lit up in defiance, then wow, shortness of breath, like laying in bed and can't get a breath. Not to mention I payed 47 cents for a pack when I started & then was paying $4.00 I have 83 days smoke-free now and I am proud of myself and it's been as hard or harder than 27 hours in labor having my son. Enough about me, the fact that you are here is good and I agree with the replies here to your post, you are making the first step in quitting just by being here. Back to me? Quit or not I still worry about my health in regards to the 30 years I smoked and what bad effects could be lurking inside of me, but today I can breath, today I smell good, today I am smoke-free(dom) Best wishes to you Jules.

You are so young and on the brink of deciding on an important issue in your life. You are a smart young woman or at least one would think - college. So do some observations for yourself. As you go through out your day - look at smokers - young, old, and in between. Look at their faces - pay attention to where they are smoking - are they outside in the rain - 30 ft from any building - standing in snow? As you observe especially faces notice how smokers look and before too long you will be able to pick out smokers whether or not they have a cigarette in there hand or not. It changes you skin and your looks and not in a good way. After you finish your observations, ask yourself - IS THIS WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THE LIFE THAT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN? Also, as a young woman I suspect that one day you may want children - do you want your children to smoke or even your husband? Think about what lies ahead not just today - you will be so glad that you did. It's a decision that you have to make! DS is a great site for support!

Sign up for one of the free versions of a dating site (like yahoo) where you don't submit your own pictures and nobody can contact you, but you get "your top matches" e-mailed to you.
I noticed that when I changed the criteria to "smokers only" the list got REALLY small and the guys looked ten or twenty years older than they were.

I, like shell7, also have a niggling in the back of my mind, wondering what those 30 years of smoking have done to me.

And, guypaul is right, too. . .from a vanity standpoint, smokers look a LOT older than non-smokers.

Sometimes you won't see the effects of smoking for 30 or 40 years, and then it hits you--sometimes REAL fast.

You are lucky to be in a position to have a choice to stop some of those things from happening.

But, it is a CHOICE.