Single Parenting Support Group
Today being raised by a single parent is not uncommon. About three in ten children live in a single parent home. The most common type of single parent home is one with only a mother. However, single father homes are the fastest growing type of family situation; 60% growth in the last ten years alone.
I was in a relationship with my son's father for 10 years. About 1 1/2 years ago things between us got really bad. Physical, emotional, verbal abuse was the problem. Along with drugs and alcohol. I had no other choice but to remove myself and my son from the very bad situation. My son and I moved in with my mother. It has taken me pretty much a year and a half to get over the relationship. My son on the other hand, who is only 5, is not able to tell me how he feels about the situation. Although I ask him questions like...Do you want to see your daddy?...His reply is no. He says that he doesnt want to talk to his father or see him. My son witnessed alot more between his father and I than any child should. I was so blind to that fact at the time. I felt that I needed to do whatever possible to keep our family together. I realize now so many things I did wrong. But, it is what it is and I am trying to do the right thing now and move forward. My family feels like he does not need to see his father at this time because we cant trust him. He has never paid any child support. He makes no effort to pay. He thinks he should not have pay if he doesnt get to see his son. We were never married so there is no court order. I could get the state to take him to court but the money is not really the issue. I dont want to go to court for many reasons. I am so scared that one day my son is going to regret not seeing his father. They were really close when we all lived together and for months after we left my son would visit with his father for weekends at the grandparents house. That is where his father was living at the time. I know that when my son has seen his father over the last year that he seemed to enjoy the time but it caused some behavior problems like accidents in his pants, bitting his fingernails...things like that. Since he has not seen his father for many months now...all those things have stopped. He seems so much more at ease. I know that my son has heard my family talk negative about his father and many times that I took him to see his father we did it secretly so that my family wouldnt know. Most of those times some kind of fight broke out and it turned into a bad experince for me and my son. In some ways I feel like its just better to forget about his father and move on. But I know that one day we will both regret him not having that relationship with his father. Let me go on to say that the relationship that he would have with his father would be a relationship of convinence for his father. I know this because of his past behavior. The best prediction of future behavior is past. I could go on and on and I am sure that I left out many details and you may need to ask some questions to really form an opinion to help me. I would appreciate any feedback you have. Thank you so much!!!
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
In reality, some of these people should not have or be around children.
Listen to your son. He said no.
And try to stop your family from badmouthing his dad in front of him - even if it is all true.
Your child (and probably you) need counseling... Your son should be able to see his dad even if it's just for a few hours supervised by someone that's going to make sure the ex is sober.. Your family should NEVER be allowed to speak badly about his father no matter what. And if they do, honestly, I think you should put a stop to it immediately let your son see you stand up for "dad". Let the family members that do this know in no uncertain terms that if they continue to speak badly about him in front of your son, then your son won't be visiting them again until they can control their words better. If that means they don't speak of good ole dad then they don't speak of him at all. Whatever it takes. But adults need to act like adults and if you can't say something good don't say a thing at all. Since you are around your son full time, you need to nurture his love for his dad, and let him know that no matter what his dad loves him, and that it's ok for him to love his dad.
You and dad need to find a way to get along for the few minutes it takes to drop off and pick up, and honestly, if you can't figure it out, then get a third person to do it for you. Your son should NOT see fighting between you two now that you're apart. My son's dad and I are at best friends, at worse associates in parenting.. LOL.. Neither one requires fighting, fussing, or bad feelings.. It took us awhile to get to this point. But we've always managed to be polite at drop off and pick up.. If we did argue it was over the phone when my son wasn't around. Now we don't argue.
If your son's dad isn't around, it could cause more damage then having him around. I say this from personal experience. Boy's need their dad's.
I hope I didn't repeat too much advice.. I just have such a strong feeling about boys having a relationship with their dad's. Even if it's limited time, it's still worth it to make it work. I hope that helps.
You're absolutely right- the best prediction of the future is past behavior...it sounds like your son might have picked up on that too.
Best of luck to you and your son! Congratulations for finding the strength to leave a bad situation...so many people don't.