So here is the deal.... from the beginning.

I met Josh online last Oct right before my 21st b-day. We ended up falling head over heels for each other. Or so I thought. We were planning on meeting when I flew up to WA for new Years. He wanted to come see me sooner, but didn't have the money. He had been so sweet. Always sending me texts telling me loved me, how special I was, that he hated not coming home to me... things like that. And he even sent me flowers as a suprise. I thought he really was everything I ever wanted.

We met in person at the beginning of Dec when I flew him down to Austin. I paid for the plane tickets for him to come down and for me to go up there b/c he had gotten a DUI in Oct and couldn't afford to pay for it. I found out later he just sucks with money... he didn't pay for DUI stuff his dad did. He was living with his parents at the time. So after him coming down and me going up there, he decided he wanted to moved down to Texas with me until I could move up there. So we drove down to Texas and he moved into my apartment, while I was taking some time off school. My parents had been paying for it at the time so we didn't really have any worries. I didn't have a job and he didn't want to get a job b/c "he didn't want to get comfortable in a job and then leave". Once he moved down, things were really good.

I found out I had a loan that came in for school even tho I wasn't in school. I had initially gotten it to get myself out of credit card debt. Instead I ended up blowing it all and I don't know how exactly. It just flew out of my hands. So since he had "such a great job" I decided we could leave Texas and move up to WA in March instead of during the summer. We moved in with his parents...HELL ON EARTH! We were only supposed to be there for a month or so. We lived there for 7 months.

He went back to work once we moved up there, but he wasn't making 16 dollars an hour like he thought, he was making 11. He hated his job so he got himself fired. Then I found out I was pregnant on easter. He was so excited at first. I was scared as hell. I wasn't ready for this. I had wanted for finish school, be young and irresponsible... all of that. But I already had my mind made up. I was going to keep the baby no matter what. Then things started going to hell. We started fighting all the time. I was miserable. I didn't get along with his mom and I just wanted to die the whole time I was there.

I ended up getting a job in May and working until the end of July. It was really hard on me and I had to see a physical therapist. I was working as a cashier at Sams club and doing quiet a bit of heavy lifting. Josh wasn't looking for a job or anything he was just getting unemployment. He had gotten on the Union Glaizers list and was waiting for them to call. We didn't save any money. I was making sure his bills got paid while mine went unpaid. I felt like we were never going to move out. I was completely miserable. we would fight.... well I would get upset and fight with him. I remember hitting him, and yelling at him, and I don't remember why. He always said I was being dumb for getting upset over things but he never changed the things I was getting upset over. He stopped being affectionate. He stopped telling me how much he wanted to marry me and how much I meant to him. He stopped making me feel special as soon as we moved up there.

One time, he hit me playing around and i hit him in the nuts b/c he really hurt me and so he punched me 3 more times in the thigh. Leaving bruises.

One night we took his brother out and they got drunk ( I was DD) and on the way home he threatened to slit my throat b/c he thought I had been checking out other guys at the bar, while pregnant with his baby.

His mom accused me of getting pregnant behind his back to trap him into a relationship. she still to this day hasn't appologized.

He got a job in October working about 90 miles from his parents house. So we started looking for apartments.

The one fight I really remember. We were looking for apartments because of his new job. I was upset about something and telling him how I felt. And he kept telling me I was being a whiney baby and all this stuff and how my voice was so annoying to him. It was like nails against a chalk board to him. So I hit him. He hit me back. Gave me a black eye. I shut up and drove home in complete silence. He said he was sorry, but I wouldn't hear it. Even tho I was in the wrong too.

We finally moved into an apartment and I thought everything would get better. They got worse. We didn't have any money saved up and so his dad ended up paying the deposits for us to move into the apartment. On top of that we didn't have any furniture other than a t.v. and two t.v. stands. We didn't have a bed or anything. We slept on the floor the first few nights. during my baby shower he bought an air mattress.

While I was home for my baby shower we got into several fights. He got mad b/c he had move the date of a couch delivery from rent-a-center b/c he wasn't going to be home in time so I did, then he wanted me to move it back b/c he would be home and I told him no. He hadn't bought the air mattress yet. I think he bought it that night or the next night. One night he was being a jerk (or so I thought) so I hung up on him and when he called me back he was calling me a c*nt and b*tch and some other choice names. I told him that was never to happen again.

Josh had expected me to take care of two pit bulls and a brand new baby (when she was born). I wasn't sure how I was going to take care of two dogs in general in a two bedroom apartment let alone after I had the baby.

When I came home for my baby shower I told him to save all his money b/c I wasn't sure what deposits and stuff we would have to pay for utilities. Well he blew 300 in like 3 days. Then my birthday was two days after I got back up to WA and he hadn't gotten anything for me. I had to tell him it was my birthday and he told me happy birthday over the phone. Then when I was cleaning up after dinner, he told me I could wait on the dishes until the next day since it was my birthday. Then he was playing halo 3 on the air mattress on the big t.v. and I wanted to watch my favorite show (Greys) and I had to go in the bedroom and lay on the floor and watch it in there. He told me the reason he didn't get me anything was because he didn't have any money. He got paid the next day and still didn't get me a card or anything. Hell even a homemade card would have done it. I just wanted to feel special on my birthday. Then I told him that weekend I wanted to go see a movie for my birthday. We didn't b/c there was nothing he wanted to see.

That weekend I started yelling about him leaving the toilet seat up and me not wanting the puppy to drink out of it, and that he kept leaving things open in the kitchen and I kept running into them. He went off on me calling me names again. That was the final straw for me. I wanted to go home and never come back. So I left the following Tuesday and drove back to Texas.

Well, we are still talking, although sometimes I wish we weren't. Its really hard and confusing for me. I wanted that whole family thing so bad. I want to be with him, but I want him to get control of his anger, and me of mine. I am working on mine. He is refusing to work on his. And he keeps breaking my heart... and I keep going back for more... i don't get it. I don't know why or how to make it stop.

I cry everyday. i left not because i wanted to leave him, but because I didn't want to look 20-25 years from now and see my daughter in the same situation. i didn't want her to get treated like that b/c i put up with it.

i don't know what to do. I don't know how to do it.

We got into a fight Wed b/c he said he wanted to come see her after she is born, but wasn't going to have the money. I told him that if he wanted to see her he would make it happen no matter what. It didn't matter if it was when she was 3 days old or 3 weeks old just that he came and saw her. Then he called me today acting like we hadn't been fighting. i don't get it. How do some people have fight amnesia?!