
Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

rainyangel
Nobody really seems to want to talk about what has actually been done to them. I feel since this is a support group site for sexual abuse, it would be good to get some things out that you're afraid to get out in the open. And also you can see what others have gone through and maybe not feel so alone or misunderstood. You don't have to say everything, just get some out you know? Here's one from me. When I was around 5, my dad use to come in my bedroom and rub my vagina and ask me to massage his penis. I never wanted to so he would take my hand and massage his penis with my hand. He fingered me a couple times and tried to french kiss me. He asked me if it felt good when he rubbed me and I said yes because hell, I was a child. I didn't want to disappoint him. I asked him to stop eventually and he did and then I blocked it all out and we went about our lives. I became scared to death of the dark as a child after that. Go figure. Had to practically suffocate myself with animals and covers. I always felt he didn't love me or was disappointed in me or ashamed of me and didn't know why and didn't know why I was so fucked up trust wise and sexually wise until I remembered everything when I was 30. Not until then could I begin to heal. Haven't talked to my father since I was 30. You're turn.
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I know what happened but actuallty trying to voice it has never been possible since the court case when I ahd to speak about it in front of my dad (whom abused and raped me) and in front of family and friends. That was 16 years ago.
sending you support though as you voice your experiences.
Mandiex
My older cousin started with games. The kissing game, the touching game the rubbing game. It started when I was 6 but only happened when he was visiting my house or I was visiting his.
When I was in the 5th grade my family moved closer to his and since I didn't have any friends we "played" together a lot.
He would take me into the basement of their home, it had dirt floors, and abuse me.
I don't remember how he got me to do it, just that it happened. He would rub my clitoris with his fingers. He would make me rub his penis. He would also lay on top of me, putting his penis between my thighs and hump me until he came; which he would do on me. Eventually he proceeded to oral sex and shallow vaginal sex, using a plastic baggie as a condom.
I thought it was over when his family moved far away when I was in the 7th grade. Unfortunately, my drunken mother needed a "break" so she sent me to stay with them for a week. It was the last time he abused me but it was the worst. He took it all the way on many levels and was very forceful. Those are the flashbacks I have most.
He was pretty sadistic. Once he walked up behind me and lit my hair on fire and another time pointed a loaded gun at my face. I understand now, it was a power and control thing.
My abuser went on to abuse other children (which I feel guilty about) but was caught and served prison time.
That's what happened. It's in the past ... but it doesn't stay there. I hate him for that. I hate myself for that.
from my brother to his band of older friends and then the older friends circle of friends.
I was gang raped many times. force to be with people i didn't know. was tied up, blind folded pretty much any thing you can think of sort of sadomasicism.
The details are not important to me anymore. If i wrote about the details i would have to write a book.
I think it is important for people to be able to talk about the details. for me there are just to many.
good post.
Mandiex
At the age of 2 1/2 my parents noticed I had a "jerk". That observation started an endless series of trips to the doctors / neurologists over the next 15 years to try and find what was wrong. Tests and drugs, drugs and tests. I have little to no fine motor control. Things like eating or drinking are very hard for me. For example, if I were to pick up a glass of water there is a good chance I would jerk and drop or throw the glass and or liquid. I use straws. If you just saw me sit, not trying to do any fine motor movement, you would not think I had any problem. Writing is the most obvious problem. And not being able to write - this was before laptops - in the public school system was a challenge. I was held back in the third grade (between two school systems) because I could not write.
Around 10 years of age (I judge much by the house we were living in, Colorado Springs) my brother (4 years older) came into the bathroom when I was taking a bath. He and I had shared a room for years and he had recently started to get into my bed at night and kiss me, like a kiss between lovers. That led to his fondling me, and later to this first trip into the bathroom. He sat by the side of the tub and just reached into the tub and proceeded to masturbate me. I DID NOTHING I just laid there. I can remember him saying it felt better with soap and seeing him lather up his hand. Again, I did nothing.
That started what would be regular sexual contact that went on for the next two years (mostly our first house in Woodland Park, Lorraine Avenue). It increased from fondling and masturbation to oral sex and finally anal sex. I can remember laying in bed at night praying he was asleep, and hearing the mattress on his bed squeak as he was getting up, and just laying there pretending I was asleep. I can still feel him pulling down my underwear and rolling me over. Oh my God, I can remember like it just happened - the taste of blood in my mouth from his penis that had just been in meMY blood. Later his friend Rick would come over and I can remember the first night Rick spent the night and my brother holding me down while I was half on and half of the mattress while Rick had anal sex with me. Rick "visited" several times and spent a few weekends at our house. I have a letter (my Father kept a file on each of us) from my 5th grade teacher that says "...Kelly's physical and emotional problems are so severe we recommend he go to so sort of rehabilitation." We moved between 5th and 6th grade. I said nothing to anyone. My brother told me I liked it.
Within a year of the move (now in 6th grade), my oldest brother committed suicide. It was shortly after that the abuse stopped. I was now 13 and my brother was 17 and a senior in HS. We rarely spoke much after that and in fact he acted like he hated me. Anyway he went on his way after HS and I stayed at home. I was very isolated and withdrawn but I had been that way most of my life. My parents attributed that to my neurological problems. We all moved to Alaska (my parents and my brother) and I could not handle the move emotionally and my Mother and brother and I moved back to Colorado.
A close friend of my Fathers (whose wife committed suicide a year before), had a daughter a few years older than me but really liked me and everybody thought he just missed having a son. John would buy me presents and teach me how to cook, and bring me to his house for the weekends. I was 12 or 13 when he had me shower in his master bath with the door open for the first time. Shortly after that he had me sleep in his bed with him, and later he had anal sex with me. That stopped when I was 13 or 14 (when we moved to Alaska?) and did not happen many times. John was an alcoholic and died some 10 years later. Again, I never said a word to anyone.
My brother (the one who molested me) went on to join the Air Force, got kicked out for being Gay, and died from AIDS in 1992. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. My sisters have since told me he was molested when he was 12. I grew up too and started to cut myself without knowing why. It just felt good. I would do this for the next 30+ years of my life. Just seeing myself bleed made me feel better. I never told anyone this until me second course of intensive therapy. I just had to see blood run down the inside of my thighs. To me, this was worse than any other abhorrent behavior.
I never dated a girl more than once and never had sex with a girl until I met my wife when I was 24 and she was 17. I saw her and said that was who I wanted to marry. That is true, before speaking to her I wanted to marry her. We married when she turned 18 and have been married 21 years this August. We have 5 children. It has always been hard for her as I have always remained isolated and interact only with her on any emotional level.
As for my parents, they were loving in a very dysfunctional sort of way. My Father was a great provider, but emotionally distant and verbally abusive. My Mother (also an alcoholic) told me all the time I did not love her because I was not affectionate with her. She used to say how much my brother loved her. When I graduated from high school and they were handing out the senior awards (you know, best athlete, funniest, shyest, best actor) and I did not get anything my Mother said "Nice to know you were so popular." That really hurt and I remember it to this day.
When my brother died in 1992, I started acting out sexually. I hated it, but continued to seek out and engage in sex with men only certain men in a very particular way, and to cut myself. It went on for periods of time over the next 14 years, and I would often go months or years without doing anything only to start again. I rose through the ranks at work and became a CFO - all the time working more, talking less, and isolating.
Six months ago it came crashing down and I started therapy. It was in therapy that I consented to see a neurologist (something I had refused to do since I was 13 or 14) and finally learned about Myoclonic Dystonia (very rare). And that doctor told me the same genetic defect that causes Myoclonic Dystonia causes obsessive / compulsive disorders, and anxiety problems. He said I was screwed genetically when it came to compulsivity. I have also been diagnosed with an Avoidant Personality Disorder.
That is the first 46 years of my life.
She useda razor to cut off one side of my inner labia.
I know this b/c my sister saw her do it but never told anyone. I frequently had bloody diapers & cried most of the time. The object-raping went on til I was 4 and then my brother (10 years older) started sodomizing me. When I was 6 he was sodomizing me in the bathroom and my mother walked in and called ME a slut! They both kept it up until I was 12.
I have flashbacks & nightmares still and cry at night.
one night he had a new 'game' he had some dice, they had different sex acts on it from kiss, oral, and full sex,
he made me think it was normal, and as i was so close to him i did believe that it was how thigs were ment to be,
i dont actualy remeber how far he whent with it,
i kno that he made me makeout with him, masterbate him, give him oral, i kno he gave me oral, and fingered me, and i kno that he was erect and it atlest rubbed me, but i dont remeber if he did make me have sex with him.
after about two weeks it figured to me that it wasnt how it was ment to be, my mother was giving me 'the talk' pritty early in life (early developer) after that i did realise that it wasnt normal and i told my mother what was gong on,
she and my father had a word with him and it stopped,
i only got counceling a few years ago because i told a teacher at school, social sevices know what happed
but i didnt have a chance to report him when it happened and didnt want to bring up old memories when i talked to the social worker, and am now considering reporting him.