Hi. There is a wonderful woman who is really good at this issue and stuff that u wrote, so she is going to try to respond and help u out somehow. U can write to me anytime too. I just know shes better at this than me. Nichole

i am not in the same situation but mine is slightly simalar i hope you can find help and i am here if you need me altho i dont know how much help i can be

i too feel your pain as i am in kinna the same boat but have yet to tell my story. you are brave. i just come on here and read and hope i could be so brave to speak out like you. i llike you dont know what to do but write about it. I wish you luck and god Bless you and your family. Brash

I have one truism to share, because it's really true. The darkest hour is before dawn. Hugs.

It is a mark of strength for some people NOT to have had counceliing, (I am not saying that it is better not to just that for some people it is better, and i respect people who find strenght through councelling)
I have never been to councelling except once at shcool when i was forced to as they thought i was having problems. I knew a few other people who had been to see the councellor and had got worse since.
I guess our councellor was just shit! lol.

Perhaps you should look into some self help books, i find those do help because it is non intrusive and teaches you to guide your own emotional healing. You will need to discuss this wih your kids and perhaps you can all decide to stay strong as a family and look after eachother.

Things will be hard, but they will get better!

All the best
x

hi
im sorry for whats happened to you and your child.
It is hard to speak out about abuse at first but it does become easier. I first told an anonymous phoneline. Even this was hard because I was speaking out loud about the abuse. later I told my partner and then my family. I had therapy but couldnt tell the whole story but later I could. Many years have passed and I have since told many therapists and it is so easy for me now to speak about it. It was such a relief to tell my secret and to have support and non-judgement from people. Not all have been supportive but all the therapists have been and my family are.
You say you have been in two abusive relationships since the abuse. I think its really important for you to avoid relationships until you work on your issues. it is common for survivors to be revictimised, to think they dont deserve respect. You need to break this pattern and build up your self-esteem. If not for yourself then do it for your children. They deserve a stable home environment. Its not good for them to see their mum being abused. You are their role model.
I was also in destructive relationships and have been single for a while. I am not going to get in to another relationship until Ive done some serious personal growth and work because I know that the past will repeat.
You need to take time out to heal and to help you daughter heal.
You have had a lot of trauma in your life and Im worried this could lead to a break down if something doesnt change.
Everyone has alot of strength. You have survived terrible abuse and tragedy so whenever you feel despair trust that you have the strength to make it through.
I agree with random that self-help books are a good way to start. The Courage to heal is a great book for survivors.
Try to minimise stress in your life and be as positive as you can.
all the best

hi alouise, i'm sorry for what you've been through. you AND your children. none of you deserved any of that. as to why the memories should resurface now?

well, the body is like a sponge. it stores EVERYTHING - all our experiences and memories (good and bad). sometimes we are able to "tilt" that sponge and let more water collect over here, and not so much there... we are able to block certain parts of our life out, and focus just a little more on other areas. but you know what sponges are like.

at some point, that sponge is not going to be able to absorb ANY more water, no matter how much you twist and turn it. it's going to become water logged and start to drip... then leak. at this point, (and you can either look at this as unfortunately OR fortunately), there is only one option left, which is to squeeze all the water out, so you can "dry" out. you will HAVE to work through your issues, and deal with your past. sure, you might be able to squeeze a little water out, and then sit back and let the sponge absorb for a while, but eventually, you're going to burn out doing that.

as was mentioned in the above comments, you really need to start therapy, preferably with a therapist, but if not, then there are a lot of self-help books available for pretty much ALL aspects of PTSD. i for one, think books can only do so much for you. that's how i started out on my Healing Journey, but i got so frustrated because the books raised so many questions, that i NEEDED to speak to a live therapist. but books might work for you. as was also mentioned above, if not for yourself, PLEASE get some help for your children. stop the cycle of abuse and re-victimization. it will be hard, and at sometimes seem impossible, but YOU CAN DO IT. you will find a lot of strength, and PRACTICAL support here on DS. someone, somewhere has been through very similar situations as yourself, and it's nice when they step forward to help.

Brash, please don't minimize your braveness. yes, i said YOUR BRAVENESS. it takes a lot of bravery to read others' Stories. so kudos, to you for doing that. not everyone is able to tell their Story right away, but it DOES get easier with practice. that's true about most things. just take your time. you'll know when the time is right. in the meantime, build up a strong support system, so that you have that to hold you up, when you ARE ready to talk. hugs to you, my friend.

i wish the best for everyone. hit me up on email, if you want to talk more. i am here for all of you.

xxoo

I kept all of the abuse in sort of a closet or box in my mind for many years. I guess, much like the sponge analogy, there comes a time in life when the box or closet is full and no more can be stuffed in there, plus as you grow older, the hinges and locks start to become weak and stuff starts sneaking out. I think that the worst that you can do is to continue to try and ignore and deny it. When we face our pasts and our fears, we start to change our feelings of self worth and value, our behavior patterns, and we start to treat ourselves better and recognize when others are not treating us the way we deserve to be treated, and we come to a point where we no longer allow others to treat us with no value.
I know that counseling is not for all, but for myself, it has been of great value. I always urge counseling first, because it really does help to have a trained professional, one that is a good "fit", to help guide you through the painful emotions, the guilt and the self blame that we are all very much given to have about ourselves and our circumstances. Even if counseling is not your "shtick", being here on DS and talking with other survivors is immensely helpful.
I also suggest books that will help you to understand what you are going through, and two of the very best that have helped me more than I can say is The Courage to Heal, by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis, and a book called Resurrection After Rape, by Matt Atkinson, LCSW. Both have valuable information and help you to find ways to deal with what you are going through, and together with DS, let you know that you are not alone! Abuse happens in silence and secrecy. It is healed in community and through breaking the silence.
I wish for the very best for you. When you stop denying and admit that this has been and is a problem in your life, then you are already on the road to recovery. There are many here that walk that same road with you and all are more than willing to lend a hand to get you through it! I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, as I have just been through a very dark point in my life and some of the friends I have met here have helped me through, thanks God! You will find the same sort of invaluable support here that I have, I am sure.
Many blessings on both you and your children. As you heal, they heal with you, as is fitting. A healthy mother means healthier children! The more you deal with your past, the better you will be able to help your children get through the past as well.

well, from my experiences, ive come to realize that things will surface and resurface many times...the best way ive found to deal with it is to sit down and really think about what happened. i know it doesnt sound great, but after i thought about everything that had happened, i was able to start putting things behind me. it was extremely difficult and i cried a lot, but sometimes thats exactly what you need. i didnt like being on happy pills either, so i quit taking them. i eventually was able to live without them or the need. as for your daughter, im sorry that he felt the need to do that to her. i dont really know it any of this helped but if you ever want anyone to talk to, im here. ill keep you and your family in my prayers.

I don't know if this will help or hurt. All I can say from my experience, which is similar, is that as things unfold, take it one step at a time. there is no way one can cope with everything all at once. As your children become older, explain to them the best way that you can about the questions they may have about thier abuse issues. Don't dance around it, as we all know from experience, that doesn't work either.
When I found out that my 3 y.o. daughter was being molested by a nieghbor, while my son played video games in the front room of that nieghbors house, it broke my heart. I thought with all the knowledge I had, and my experiences, I could protect her. I could not. There are monsters everywhere, and maybe it's just time to focus on being a mom.
Be there for them in whatever capacity you can, take baby steps, and above all, age-appropriate honesty. But, remember: NO one gets better without mom taking care of herself.

I'm so saddened by what you've been through. My story is different, of course, but what strikes me as similar is that it took me 10 years to really get upset about the sexual abuse I experienced. It was almost as though my maturity about the situation had heightened. One day it hit me much harder than it had all the previous times. I realized that it was a huge deal, and it wasn't fair or alright. I finally sought counseling after a decade of avoiding it, and my therapist told me not to waste time wondering why I feel a certain way at a certain time, but to rather focus on HOW I'm feeling, and HOW to get past that. I thought it was good insight.

Best of luck in your journey.