i try but its very hard t unlearn something. It is true what you say though. A child does not understand and therefore cannot be blamed. If we were to see an 8 year old BEING abused (even to the extent of it being the very same situation we were in) do we blame that child?... NO. so why do we keep blaming ourselves.

You hit the nail on ther head, Mel!!! Took me 30 yrs to realize I didn't do anything to provoke the abuse! Thank you!

it is one of the preditors favorite weapons. They know the victem will feel at fault and they use that against them.

I was molested by family members and more and I often wondered how I managed to escape the feelings of guilt and shame... somehow I always thought they were sick in the head and I knew in my soul that I would get away but they would be stuck inside their own sorry hide
I consider myself to be very blessed to feel this way... maybe if I had been raped going down the street in a miniskirt I would have felt like I deserved it.... even though I don't care if you are walking down the street butt naked NO means NO

I am glad to say that, thanks to this forum specifically, I am over the guilt and shame. I realize, however, that a great many of us still deal with the guilt on a daily basis.
Awesome post, mel.

It is really hard at times to believe that it wasn't my fault and do blame myself alot lately and just wished that they would have killed me some times so I wouldn't hurt the way I do.

i feel that i was my fault. i shpould have done somthing to stop it

trish: what could you have done?

i could have gone out, i could have been more confident, i could have been less trusting i could have done so many things

Trish..it is true that you COULD have done those things, now that you are looking in hindsight (and we all have 20/20 hindsight sigh) but there is no benefit in looking back and thinking "what if..." and "If only I had/hadn't done ......."

It is hard I know, but you must try to look at what you can do NOW and in the FUTURE with your life....a better quality of life.

If a child then there is no way possible to stop what is or has happened! A child is not capable of defending theselves from sick people who take that into account thats why they pray on children because they are so vunerable, even running away does not do anything if like my family and a lot of friends I know where brought right back to endure more, a child has no rights and has no power to change anything as sad as it is but the truth, but in no way is it the childs fault that they have been born into a family who does these types of things to an inosent child, and that is the key word an INOSENT CHILD... We are and never have been at fault this is not our doing we did nothing to make that person or persons do what they did, they chose to be monsters they chose to hurt the inosent children they became victims of victims I chose not to hurt my own children in any way I chose not to do anything to my children what was done to me I chose to be a better mum and i'll do anything to learn how to become that, I admit I haven't been the best of mums in the past I'm guilty of that as what i was taught (LEARNT RESPONSES) but I know this was wrong and I went and did every type of parenting course there was to become or learn to become a better mother for my children as I had no positive clue how to, yeh when we are taught so negatively then how do we know or how can we get out of that way of teaching learning to become a better person can have so many positive responses ? to be a better mother to have better relationships to have much much more self asteem, learn what it is to get out of being a victim and become a survivor become the person you want to become by learning how to become that person look for community courses or ask the child protection peoples who and how this is posible to do, over here its called department of community services for children we have an organisation called Burnside witch does parenting courses and adda and addhd courses for parents who have children with behaviour problems, parenting courses there are newmerous ones to do just check out whats available for you in the community organisations most are free to do... This is one way to not be a continual victim anymore and to become a surviver the message is we did or were not taught any other way SO GO OUT THERE AND LEARN ANOTHER WAY TODAY !!!!! I did and myself and my children are going great I'm loving them so much more and life so much better than I could have ever imagined... xxxoooxxx luv lesley

Maybe Trish couldn' get out. How old were you Trish? Who was abusing you? What was the age difference? There are reasons that people/children cannot get out.
Before we confirm that you could have gotten out - maybe we should know the facts.

Trish - if you need to deal with your feelings that you had in the past - then you do that. Sexual abuse creates many layers of confusion, pain, distrust, feelings of humiliation, etc. These are not easy issues to deal with - and ignoring how you were feeling then - guarantees that you will never move past those feelings. If you need to work through your "what ifs" then that's what you should do. It would be dandy if we could just decide to have a better quality of life - but that's not what happens. We can work towards a better life - but merely deciding to do that doesn't work. Working your way through your feelings does work.

lindajean, i was i was abused from the ages of 5-16 and a half, the people abusing me were step-brother, father and step father. and yes i couldnt do any thing when i was younger but i could have done something when i got older