Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Tuesday night I was talking to a guy I have talked to several times, he is a gym teacher at the high school. We were talking about the night I was attacked, and he said some things that just have bothered me so much. He said the only difference between a rapist and a non rapist is control, that all men have thoughts but most can keep in in check. When a pretty woman walks into a room the thoughts are there...having sex with them, but some men just can't leave it at that " So if you are pretty and "dress to kill" in a way you are playing with fire. He looked me over..( I had pulled my hair up in a messy bun because I didn't feel like doing it, had a T-shirt on and jeans) and he said ... like you are dressed right now...I was floored...I had a fucking T-shirt on and jeans...he said well your T-shirt is a bit tight...ummm any shirt I wear looks a bit tight cuz I have big boobs...the only way I can look like I am wearing something that doesn't look a bit snug around the boobs is if I wear a fucking TENT!! He said and your hair is all done up...I said WHAT!! he said well look at it...it looks all sexy pulled up...what are you trying to do?? make men look at you...get attention...
...he said you are pretty...and there fore you will always run the risk of having a man wanting to take it too far...You wear things like what you are wearing and what do you expect us men to think?? I tried to argue back but I was speechless...He said I didn't deserve what happened...but it wasn't something I should of thought of as unexpected.
I was really upset by this....he changed the subject and spoke about other stuff that ended up pissing me off anyways and I had him so mad but he left with his balls in his hands when I was done with him...I know I shouldn't let what he said bother me...but I have been thinking and thinking about it and parts of what he said scare me...I mean if he thinks like that...how many others out there do too??
I was so upset by this I was sick literally yesterday. I had a few drinks..4 and it's never bothered me like it did yesterday...I threw up several times...just it's effected me so badly...
I don't want to be lied to...I just want to know...is this how men really think?? I tend to blindly think all people are good until they do something bad...I want to believe we all have good in us and I think thats my biggest fault...I am willing to give anyone a chance...willing to talk to anyone....a real fucking Mary Poppins at times...I see someone hurting and I'll give em all I have to help...doesn't matter if I know em or not...maybe if men really do think like this I am sending signals that they take as a sexual thing...my kindness or my being nice is being taken as something more for them...because like he said...I am looking for that attention ...according to him...(I am not...but he felt I was)
when I do get dressed up..its so I can feel good about myself...but after Tuesday night...I'm just all fucked up in the head...cuz I dunno any more.. I tried really hard to over come my fears and go out with my husband, I put on a little makeup, didn't really do much of any thing...now I am throwing out my make up and seriously thinking about hiding away again, I did for almost 7 months, ( a real hermit) This is so messed up.
How do you have a self esteem without being scared out of your mind that any man in the room is thinking about raping you and is one degree away from it...according to what this man said.
Stardust
...he said you are pretty...and there fore you will always run the risk of having a man wanting to take it too far...You wear things like what you are wearing and what do you expect us men to think?? I tried to argue back but I was speechless...He said I didn't deserve what happened...but it wasn't something I should of thought of as unexpected.
I was really upset by this....he changed the subject and spoke about other stuff that ended up pissing me off anyways and I had him so mad but he left with his balls in his hands when I was done with him...I know I shouldn't let what he said bother me...but I have been thinking and thinking about it and parts of what he said scare me...I mean if he thinks like that...how many others out there do too??
I was so upset by this I was sick literally yesterday. I had a few drinks..4 and it's never bothered me like it did yesterday...I threw up several times...just it's effected me so badly...
I don't want to be lied to...I just want to know...is this how men really think?? I tend to blindly think all people are good until they do something bad...I want to believe we all have good in us and I think thats my biggest fault...I am willing to give anyone a chance...willing to talk to anyone....a real fucking Mary Poppins at times...I see someone hurting and I'll give em all I have to help...doesn't matter if I know em or not...maybe if men really do think like this I am sending signals that they take as a sexual thing...my kindness or my being nice is being taken as something more for them...because like he said...I am looking for that attention ...according to him...(I am not...but he felt I was)
when I do get dressed up..its so I can feel good about myself...but after Tuesday night...I'm just all fucked up in the head...cuz I dunno any more.. I tried really hard to over come my fears and go out with my husband, I put on a little makeup, didn't really do much of any thing...now I am throwing out my make up and seriously thinking about hiding away again, I did for almost 7 months, ( a real hermit) This is so messed up.
How do you have a self esteem without being scared out of your mind that any man in the room is thinking about raping you and is one degree away from it...according to what this man said.
Stardust
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I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
This gym teacher is an idiot and should NOT be teaching!!! Let me ask you this...when you see a good looking man that you could feel attracted to, what are your thoughts? Do you automatically want to jump his bones? Probably not! My opinion of this gym teacher is that he's one step away from being a rapist himself and is someone who should be stayed away from. What he did was put the blame on YOU. You're attractive, you have a nice figure; you asked to be raped? What kind of BS is that?
I was told a few years ago when I ran a video store that "I need to watch out how friendly I am with the men customers because some may get the wrong idea". I didn't treat the male customers with anymore friendliness as the female customers. WHAT OTHERS THINK IS THEIR OWN DOING!!! We have absolutely NO control over this. What you said about being dressed down and him thinking you sexy reminds me of how when I was a teenager it seemed I'd get more compliments on the days when I did the least work on myself (like wearing no makeup at all) then when I TRIED to look pretty!
If putting on makeup makes YOU feel good about yourself then do it. There isn't a darned thing you can do about your big boobs (I have DDs myself). Bind them? Yeah, right and how comfortable would that be?
To hell with the gym teacher and others that think like him. His thoughts and opinions are HIS problem, not yours. Be true to yourself and stay away from him.
Gentle hugs,
Sam
I didn't sit by the only man in the room that thinks like this ya know...I know there are so many more...just really shattered my world...living in such a small community..I was complacent ya know..thinking I was safe...and this is just so hard to accept...from a Gym teacher no less...I worked so hard to get to that point on Tuesday night..and now I am right back to square one...and I just don't have it in me to try again...
the world is just too ugly.
What are we meant to wear then to be acceptable to men? Without giving them any ideas. Are we meant to walk around with no make up, knotty tangled hair and a tent???? Like any woman deserves to be raped and abused.
Honey, your a beautiful person and you don't deserve to be talked to that way, especially since you opened your heart to him about your abuse, which would've been difficult enough as it is. Stay away from this creep.
Hugs.
I know it wasn't my fault...I know I did nothing to deserve it...I know I am pretty..on the inside and out...my problem is...the men in the world...they can't handle it...so what do I do?? I am too scared to be out there...because of the very mentality this gym teacher has...I know not all men are bad...but they don't wear a flashing sign saying I am a rapist and I am thinking about having sex with you because you wear your hair up or because you have big boobs...
I just want freedom...like they have...how do I have that?? I have been abused so many times..by so many men...including my father...(maybe I am wearing the flashing sign) I jsut don't know any more...
I am a strong person...but I can't keep turning in every man that abuses me...I cannot look at another judge and tell him what happened...I can't keep fighting this fight...last year I put another little creep in jail for attacking me...but not sexually..physically...I'm just too worn out...
The world doesn't want pretty...if it did it wouldn't continually destroy it.
I think its about time these men realise this.
Not only pretty girls get raped/abused, so looking hot and feeling confident does not mean you should 'expect' to be raped.
There is something more inside men like this, more than wanting to f--k a pretty girl. It is a psycological dissorder.
Something makes them capable of harming people - and its NOT our looks.
( I hope that makes sense. Its 2.30am)
Just being a woman puts us at risk...for a chance encounter with a rapist...and they could be anyone...like the gym teacher (I think he could be very easy)So with that type of sick mind he may associate pretty women with the porn I am sure he views and the visual fantasy starts?? if that makes sense?? It is a trigger for those types of thoughts? and because a woman is pretty he may associate her wanting to look pretty to attract men because thats what the women in the porn mags or movies or sites that he may go to.. do...They look sexy...they look pretty for one thing..to turn a man on.
I dunno I could be off base..but It all just makes me so sick...and scared. I would rather play with my goats and rabbits and dogs...than the real ANIMALS of the world...like that gym teacher...=(
i'm so sorry you had the misfortune to have had to deal with this creep. i hope he is someone you will not have to deal with in the future. if you do, you should definitely put this guy in his place and let him know how incredibly wrong and offensive his comments were. or better yet, tell your husband what happened and what you are now feeling as a result of that guy's ignorance and let him help. in addition to maybe providing you with some reassurance from a male perspective, he may also be able to confront the jerk and let him know that he crossed a HUGE line!
i can understand your fear and urge to withdraw - that kind of ignorance is definitely frightening - but please don't let some creep send you running backwards! you have worked hard to get where you are and you deserve to be strong and confident and open in your life.
He said some very hurtful things and I bite back and I did a little too hard I guess..cuz I feel badly about it today...but damn it...he was telling me it was all my fault that I was attacked...and making me feel like I should go cut my boobs off...and I was nothing more than a piece of crap woman...and there was no way I could be sick or not responsible for what happened to me...=(
I told my husband...and if I see that idiot again...I doubt I ever will...I plan on steering quite clear of him...and letting my husband deal with his dumb ass...
what the fuck? i started reading your post and kinda knew where it's going ...
some people just don't know what the fuck they are talking about!!!
first of all ... it's not just women that are getting abused/ molested/ raped ... it's little kids, teenagers, adults ... male and female ...
and the other thing ... just to go to the female issue u talked about ... HELL HOW ARE WOMEN SUPPOSED TO DRESS so that men won't think about it?!
I guess we might just all lock us up at home and never go out again if that's the case ...
lol
oh my, oh my ... what an IDIOT ...
He just caught me off guard...and he did pretty much harass me...I stood my grounds the best I could...and I know hiding away is not going to solve anything. What I ought to do is get all dolled up the next time and be proud of who I am and not give him a second thought. Maybe in time there will be a next time....=)
I have my good days and my bad days...the last two were pretty bad. I was confused for a bit...cuz I let my emotions do the thinking. Thank you all again for helping me see this...for being honest and being supportive.
Ya'll are a God send...ya know that??
((big big hugs))
stardust