I joined this group for a different reason but now I am afraid I have another reason. Well, I am still unsure whether to call it rape or whatever. Basically I got drunk with my best friend and we ended up having sex. I didn't want it. But he pinned me so suddenly that I was to shocked to do anything about it. When I have talked to him about it he refers to being in "the heat of the moment" and I am afraid the thinks that I wanted it. I have told him, and felt that I was very clear, that I'm married, and there is no doubt in my mind that Eric is the one I want to be with forever. I can't live with out him and love him with all my heart. I definately feel like I was taken advantage of. Thats no question in my mind but I am hesitant to take it to the extreme of rape when he had no idea that I didn't want to. I am not necessarily known for my clear headedness while drunk and on top of that it had been almost a year since I had drank at all. I tried to leave a couple times but he prevented me. In between the episodes of that night I would cry, panic, and even tried to cut myself. So I don't see why he would think that it would be okay with me but I never came out and said it directly. He was my best friend and I trusted him. I was drunk and really didn't know what to think of whatever it was that was going on. After a certain point my brain just kind of shuts off and refuses to function properly, if being drunk would qualify as functioning properly in the first place. However, I don't feel blameless in all of this especially if he didn't know I didn't want it (despite the many conversations of the sort that always ended in- " i would never do anything to hurt Eric or jeopardized our future") But if he really didn't have any idea can I really feel like a victim at all? What if I even gave off signs that I was into him? I certainly didn't mean to. We have always been better as friends and I valued his friendship more than to do something like this to destroy it. None the less I am here now and have been left with no idea what to think about it all. I have finally gotten to the point where I can atleast recognize some of the ways I feel about what happened and verbalize specifically what happened but I don't know what to think or how to cope with it. It would be easier if everyone would just hate me for what happened but I wonder if I am trying rationalize what happened and make it his fault so I can deal with myself better. When it started I had actually gotten up to leave but he didn't want me to so he threw my keys behind him on the bed and thats when he got on top of me. I wish he had let me leave. I tried later on and he kept me from leaving even then but I think he was more worried about me going and doing something drastic to myself. But it would have been so much better if he had let me leave.