I rarely cry, and it is even more rare that I cry over my past, but I half broke down tonight, which I think was triggered by something I watched on tv. It was good to feel something, but I don't know to attribute my writing to. So this is what came out, read it if you want, provide feedback on what I can do to help my healing, etc.

"He hurt me and he wouldn't stop. None of this will ever end for me. It's just one hand over another forcing its way upon me. Now I've been taught for myself just how to ruin my Self, just how to turn away when I need love most. And yet I found your embrace each time - completely betrayed. Your love was a facade, and now that you offer the real thing I don't know how to respond. You always taught me not to respond. Tears result in nothing more than pain - that was your promise. I no longer know if any love is real. No one is here to stay. I might as well leave me too. Why won't you hold me, let me cry in your arms, feel safe in knowing you'll hold me again tomorrow without question? I need to know someone that loves me won't leave me. I need to hear that my unspoken condemnation for you doesn't condemn me just the same. Nothing is here to stay and because of that I don't think any of this is worth my time. Was it ever for anything at all?'