So sorry for all the pain and tourment.
I too was and am in a similar situation.

It is real hard to realize in order to go forward we have to go back in a sense.

I have been writing a book on my recovery process( not intended for publishing just healing). My opening
chapter describes my realization that i had no choice but to take myself back in time to heal.

Believe I know this is scary and very hard. I wrote an entire chapter on just this one giant step that needed to be done.

in the course or writing that chapter i came to realize that my perscetion of taking myself back was not entirely accurate. The fact is I have always been in the past. I carry it with me ever minute of every day. As it turns out it is not going back it is just focusing on what is already in the here and now. Abuse does not go away or stays in the past. it is an intergral part of our life that affects every part of our life. I no longer look at it as going back but simple addressing what is already there. When that is done i can then move forward. something i never realized was not happening.

I have said this a few times now and please forgive the analogy. but not dealing with the abuse is like the victem trying to hold a beach ball under water. You may be able to do it for a while but as the effort wares you down the abuse comes to the surface and the cycle of holding it down all over again.

Healing means gettng rid of the beach ball.

hope this was not to corny or out there for you and i hope it helps.

good luck and stay strong.

I was raped and not abused, however keeping his name a secret for 18 years made me feel abused. Going back is never easy, what was hardest for me was staying with the feelings. I dipped in for as long as I could bear and then pulled away but each time staying a moment longer. I am not healed but I am healing. Living with the reality even if it hurts is so much easier than trying to keep it hidden. For me I had the image of me stuffing that night in to a box that hung round my neck that I had to drag everywhere I have gone. now I don't need to pull the box just nurse the hurting and learn to love me. This is working and I am feeling better and better each day. My relationships with others Have improved and I know my inner resources are strong enough to hold the bad days and odd sleepless night. Sorry I am going on a bit..... but you did ask!!
When deciding I wrote a poem I think it is on one of my early journals it was called crossroads. I was trying to work out whether I had the strength to face this. Feel free to look if you wish.
Take care
Deb

Crossroads in the first Journal dated Tuesday 26th June.
Take caRE DEB

U know I used to think like that oh why is this person talking to me they must fancy me, or have sex with someone and expect something after that and I found it didnt work now I have learnt and I think everybody in their own way in my opinion, I have learnt that I can have a normal conversation without thinking that but for me it has taken a lot of painful memories, sabotaging my marriage nearly and being totally ridiculous and unrealitic in my behaviour and thoughts and I am learning to change that and I am learning to accept and like me if I dont no one else will, so I dont know if this helps you or not but unfortunatley for us I suppose to be at peace takes a hurricane of emotions to make that happen.

It is very important to go back in order to heal our wounds and pain, I'm on my recovery , it's so so hard I know!! but one thing that has made me feel WHOLE it's Jesus Christ, looking for His word, going to Therapy and Celebrate Recovery , It's just awesome!!! Please read my Journals! I encourage you to find some Celebrate Recovery group near you, be discipline with your therapy that is so so important, it takes time to see our healing..
... I'm here , I can help You and understand you, I'm your friend !! God is with You, He loves you so so much!! the only thing you need to do is open your heart , open your door and He will stay forever!!

Catalina.