Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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she's only 4

deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm brand new to this group and am looking for any and all constructive wisdom or thoughts on where I go from here. My daughter is 4 and my youngest, her brother is 6, their father and I were married for 3 years. Last week she came to me two days after a visit with her dad, with whom i have shared parenting and told me daddy touched her. we were in the er that night, they didn't find any evidence of anything, yesterday she talked to a dectective and cps, she talked but wasn't graphic, (in my mind it seems normal she's only 4 what did they want her to say) they will be taking ehr dad in for questioning in the next 24 hours, but said that short of a confession they can't do anything it's his word against hers. I believe her, i have to i'm her mom if i don't protect her who will, but i don't know what to do. she loves her daddy and my son idolizes the man they are happy well adjusted kids. there are no court papers i can legally keep the kids from him till such time that he takes me to court for visitation, but should i? if they can't prove that this happened is it fair to keep the kids from him? what if it was something inicent and not sexual and she just said it and we all jumped to conclusions? she's 4. she won't talk to me about it but i'm a mess, she has told my boyfriend more than me but she has never actually said anything more than dady touched me there, with his finger in his room and she was dressed, that's all we have. she seems fine though she hasn't slept well since the hospital visit, but i have no desire to tramtize her anymore than she already has been and i don't know what the right thing to do here is. and do i keep them both from him if i do keep them from him? i don't expect him to confess who would really? so i'll never know not for certain, not unless it happens again and she tells me right away and i have proof, but i would really rather that didn't happen. she's my baby i want to do right by her but i don't want to take two happy kids away from a mnan they love if he didn't really do anything wrong and i don't wnat to let her go back and have something happen to her if he did, so i guess i'm jsut wondering what to do from here. what's teh next step for me to take, tehy already missed one visit and i lied to him because it was over the weekend and we were waiting on cps and the detectives and such, and hell i wans't about to tell him what was up, but the kids were devistated, he lives jsut a few blocks from me with his parents and they know the schedual and look forward to seeing him. so anybody, what do i do? i feel like i really am between a rock and a hard place and i have no way out and i need to get my head out of my ass so i can help her but i'm so confused, i jsut want to do teh right thing by my kids and i have no idea waht that is in this situation so if any of you have any advice or whatever i would love to be able to talk, i haven't told two many ppl i don't wnat to ruin him if he didn't do it and we have a lot of mutual friends and i'm jsut not comfortable talking about it, not to mention that the few ppl who know act like i'm going to have a breakdown if i even begin to bring it up. it sucks i'm not even angry yet, it'll come later if he admits to it i'm sure but i'm jsut desperate to do the right thing for my kids and that doesn't leave room for anger, i walk on eggshells with her waiting to try to see f there is some sign that it happened so that i know waht to do but there isn't anything she's the smae little girl she always has been, she's my angel, the only reason i have three kids, my first two were boys, lol. but i guess that is it i'm sure i'll have more to say tomorrow but sleep is good and i need to try to get some, thanks in advance.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The best advice I can give you if this little girl's father is indeed molesting her, look for suttle clues. The biggest is she if four and four years old don't usually lie about these things but by no means does this mean he is doing anything to her. If he is doing anything she will start to cry if she has to go with him and will start acting afraid of him if this is happening. Becareful also that you aren't giving to much attention to her about this either. Kids will sometimes do anything if they get alot of attention. I'm not saying this is what it is either. Trust you instinct always it is hardly ever wrong when it comes to your kids. Make sure you take her to a child counsler and they are tained to tell if she has been and that is your best option. Be proud of yourself if for nothing else you listened to your daughter and are protecting her. Also if she starts crying wanting to see her dad this could be a sign to that he didn't but a counsler is for the best and good job looking out for your four year old. Best of luck and I hope for your and her sake it turns out her dad did do something innocent and she just missread because there is enough of this crap out there as it is but if he has than you aren't alone I promise you that and I will talk to you anytime. My oldest son was molested. I really hope things work out in the good for you and your little angel.
deleted_user
deleted_user
hooray! your daughter told you something happened and you took immediate action to protect her and her brother!!! Sounds like you really love your kids and are trying to do what's best for them. I was abused at four, and five, and six, by my dad. That doesn't make your ex guilty, but until the abuse started I was daddy's girl, I worshipped my dad. He ended up hurting me beyond description. No one stepped in on my behalf.
Please get professional advice. This decision will likely affect the rest of your children's lives, you owe it to them, especially your daughter, not to send them into danger. Spending time with a dad they love is great, but above everything else they deserve to be safe. As a parent that is your first responsibility. Make up something, or be brutally honest, to tell your ex and keep the kids away until this gets resolved. If he's innocent and really loves his kids, he should understand and try to help. If he's guilty he can go rot with all the other molesters, and good riddance to him.
Just a note - you mentioned waiting for a sign to see if it really happened - your daughter saying it happened seems like a pretty clear sign that something is wrong. All this is just one person's thoughts, though. A professional would be able to help you put together a plan for dealing with this.
You're in a rotten situation, I'm sorry.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's nice to sit here with tears in my eyes for something other than my own frustration and confusion over this, thanks a lot, it occured to me to put her in counseling jsut to see if maybe that would tell me what really happened but no one else here agrees with me, they think it will tramatize her over something that so far hasn't seemed to, but again i worry that 10 years from now nomatter what i do i'll be the bad guy regardless though i feel so much better just having someone to talk to, so thanks to you both. the little angel in question is waiting for her breakfast, and actually slept through the night last night and seems to be in a typical wonderful mood this morning so i should get her fed. final question though is it normal that she won't talk to me about it? we don't bring it up or haven't at first because cps said no to till she talked to teh detective and tehn because i jsut want it to go away, but at her age is it better to talk to her or jsut try to pretend it didn't happen and everything is normal? i mean in a way it is she's still teh same little girl, to me at least but.....i don't know it's to early and i'm jsut rambling, thanks again to you both it's nice to feel i did something right in a situation where that doesn't seem possible.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The same thing happened to my daughter, she too was 4, there was no evidence of any abuse but I was able to get my ex husband to confess by tricking him into thinking I would come back to him if he told me everything he had done. That might not work in your case but my daughter is now 16 and her father is still locked up. Did the police bring a social worker with them? They should, they should use dolls and ask her to show them...that will make a big difference as well. I know at her age she can not stand up in court, but if they get great detail from her then maybe. It is a hard spot to be in, I know, for now just love her and support her, and never doubt her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I dont really kow what your going through but I know what your daughter is going through. It was really hard for me to tell my mom anything when I was 5 cause I didnt understand I didnt even know it was wrong. Stay stong! no matter what happens.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Counseling doesn't have to be traumatic for your daughter. A good counselor should be able to talk to your daughter about her dad and anything that might have happened without upsetting her too much. Again, this is just my opinion, but it seems to me that addressing it openly and matter of factly has the potential for being the least harmful down the road. Just let your daughter know that she is loved and accepted no matter what and that she didn't do anything wrong.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I went through something very close to what you are going through...my lil one said it was daddy...and we had evidence that something was wrong...she had an infection..she said over and over it was daddy...only to discover it was not daddy..it was a care taker that perhaps told my daughter to say daddy touches you there...her being so young she repeated over and over it was daddy...her father was quite innocent in this whole matter...The other posters are right...you did the right thing...and perhaps a bit of counseling is in order...they are trained in this field and can perhaps figure out whats going on..in the mean time as sad as it is...I would be educating your daughter on good touch and bad touch and reassuring her that she can come to you no matter who touches her....I had to do this with my daughter and then my second daughter at a very young age...for their own protection. Taking her to counseling for a few sessions to make heads or tails out of this is not a bad thing...they are not going to focus right on the topic...but are skilled enough to get the information they need and that you need to make the right decisions here as a parent. It cannot hurt anything and will not traumatize her any more than I am sure she has already been at the hospital...I know what she went through at the hospital...and counseling may help her deal with that aspect as well...that can be an awful thing for a child.

I would consider taking her to counseling...what can it really hurt? There may be nothing...but then again there may be something...and a few sessions IMO is well worth it. You are not skilled in this area...and may unknowingly influence her...best to leave it to those who know what they are doing so no one gets hurt any further.

((hugs))

stardust
barbra2
barbra2
Nine times out of ten the authorities belive the kids over the adults and will take tings further
they could take it to the courts, and should but I'd get a restraining order too and make sure the SOB isn't around any of them
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was abused when I was four too. It started with just touching for a while and then when he saw that I wasn't any threat to him he went further. I was so traumatized as a child that I blocked all memories for many years and now going back through them as an adult. I never told anyone as a child. I had several mental disabilities from not telling. Secrets keep you sick- what my counselor always says. Anyways, she did the right thing and told. It may be just a touching right now, but if you let it go and not take her to professionals then it could turn into worse. I know you would never wnat anything to happen to your daughter, so I would get a counselor as soon as possible. Before she starts to block the memories and push them away. It will be hard I know, but in the long run, it will be worth it and she won't have to suffer her whole life. Hope all works out with you.
lani
deleted_user
deleted_user
when i was 6 years old i was molested from my brother and no body belived me , trust me they will remember , it will be with her for the rest of her life, i would believe her , a 4 year old isnt going to make up a story liek that, its not there nature. i feel for you and your darling little girl. keep up the good work with investigations. i know it is a hard thing to go thru but this man needs to be punished! dont let another child molester walk like my brother and many others do!
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