Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

3,019 Members

16,179 Posts

1 Online

deleted_user 10/18/2007

I'm pasting part of my journal entry here because I would really like support. Here it goes:

"I need to know that I'm really not going to "get in trouble" or go crazy from admitting that my dad, whom I love, sexually abused me in brutal ways during his own flashbacks and drunkenness related to his own issues. When he wasn't doing that, he was loving, charming, and fun--and I loved him. I related to two different dads as a kid. As an adult, I have to accept that he was both. It doesn't add up. It hurts a lot. When he was dying, I chose to forgive him. I promised (myself more than him) that I would continue to forgive him. I need to for my own healing and spiritual recovery. I need to so that I can more fully relate to God and my husband and son (and daughter, for that matter).

I also have this "crazy" fear that somehow, even though my dad has died, that he will somehow punish me for believing that he abused me (even though he admitted it before he died) and for remembering and grieving what he did. I'm also grieving that he's not here to continue the healing journey which he began.

I need to fully accept the abuse for what it was so that I can finish "growing up" and move forward. I've squandered so many of my gifts because I've been hiding for so long. I've been afraid to live fully. I choose to do this. I could keep limping along, but I don't want to live like that any more. I'm a bright person and gifted in many ways. Instead of striving to grow my gifts, I've strove to hide them. No more. I don't know how I will grow them, yet, but I will no longer pretend to be less than I am so that others won't notice me. I want to use my gifts for my family and for others. I'm not out for glory, but I'm not doing anyone any favors by pretending that I'm "no good." That comes directly from my dad. I may have to accept that the part of him that I loved may have been just as harmful as the part of him that hurt me."

deleted_user 10/18/2007

I haven't been in your situation, but I am definitely sorry for the way you are feeling. I think it is good that you are honoring the truth by acknowledging the good as well as the bad things your father has done. It's your right to grieve, you are a human being. Loving your father is good. However raping you was absolutely horrible and heinous. It would be very hard to understand how he could be nice to you and rape you at the same time. It would be extremely confusing for anyone. Therapy would be good for you. It's very helpful. I would say that maybe it could help you understand why your father was the way he was. But in the same token there is no excuse for violently violating a person in that fashion.
Rape is bad enough, but to be abused by someone you trust, a parent....it's almost unspeakable. It's okay that you love him. That is the good in you. At the same time it's more than okay to hate what he did.

deleted_user 10/18/2007

Thank you for your thoughtful post. Hating what he did won't necessarily cancel out the love I've had for him, but I think it will definitely lead me to rethink whether it was truly love or if I was trying to get him to love me.

deleted_user 10/18/2007

Oh my goodness. I totally understand about living life instead of just surviving!! For the past few years I have felt exactly the same way. Ive been so scared to step out into my gifts and just be me. I have been scared as well. Of what? I think for me it's failure. I am terrified of failing. Which is why I rarely ever do anything that I think will be too hard.

Your dad did hurt you and obviously it was confusing to live with someone who could be so loving and so hurtful. Youre not alone in the way you feel about your dad. I'll not tell you I feel the same because I DESPISE my abuser. I do know that forgiveness is for our benifit. If we do not forgive then it will stand between us and God.

deleted_user 10/18/2007

I am glad you are willing to work through this. Though, I don't think you need your father here to continue your healing journey. Your Journey to Heal is all about You, IMO. You have to focus on Your Needs and Your Mental Well-being...and not be dragged down by others that might be in denial...that will just keep you in bondage, and keep you from fully being set-free.

In my Journal, I am posting some info on Healing from SA. I have posted the stages of Healing from SA from the Courage to Heal book. I will continue to post other healing info as well, so if you're interested...check back often!

Good Luck on your Journey to Heal! It's important to also move from Survivor to a Thriver!

deleted_user 10/19/2007

For me, other's denial has been so powerful a force in my life. For years I chose to go along with their denial. I'm not sure how to break free of that. SafeSide, I think I'll check out your page. And by the way, I've destroyed 2 copies of the Courage to Heal. I tore apart the first one. I threw the second one in the dumpster along with the workbook. I might give it another try, lol!

deleted_user 10/19/2007

It sounds like you have recognised what a wonderful gift you have and i think this is true of people like you and me we have that extra something special.

deleted_user 10/19/2007

omigod... i 100% relate to your journal it kinda scares me. I was mollested by my grandfather and despite the pain of what he did. I forgave him and still today eventhough he died cannot find the inner strength to hate him. I feel sometimes because of my abuse i have hid from the world afraid to fail because i feel that i failed as a grand daughter i wasnt good enough for him to love properly. Im only 19 but often i feel like im still that 6 year old girl who grew up hiding a secret that has changed my life and even though i know our wounds will turn to scars im afraid they might never heal :(

deleted_user 10/19/2007

Thank you for your sharing your strength. It seems like the more I write here and talk to my therapist, the harder it is to remain in denial.

deleted_user 10/20/2007

Wow you are so courageous and strong to write this, and like you to i am on a healing path as i wanted my life to change i no longer wanted to play the victim role but be the surviver instead... I'm reading a great book its called YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise L. Hay, I'm finding it a great healing book, its helping a lot with the way we critisise ourselves from our up bringing of being critisised by others and helping to move out of the victim role and into the now / present... If anyone is interested... I can relate to what you mean about the gifts, i too have supressed these but no more shall i enough is enough... I wish you well in all you do you are a surviver of the strongest kind many good blessings ... xxxoooxxx luv lesley

deleted_user 10/20/2007

Both my parents have had tremendously abusive situations in their own childhoods .I don't respect the way my father has handled it and I feel very bad for my mother who has stockholmes symdrum.They have been married 53 years and I can't stand to spend any time with them be cause they are so abusive.How can I still love them, I do. I know my ptss is from the violence in my life but did they know any better.I also new my grand parents so I understood where there pain came from

deleted_user 10/23/2007

Thank you all for your comments. It has helped to post here. I am feeling more confident about acknowledging that my dad was both terrible and loving. I'm grappling with the feeling that the terrible things negates or at least cheapens the good in him. I don't think I can really trust that he was as loving as he was. I think he was trying to make up for the vicious behavior. He never acknowledged his other side when he was in one of his modes. I embraced his loving when I was young because I longed for it and it helped me survive. I no longer think that it was entirely genuine. I can think of a handful of times when he was genuine, but usually it was all a result of a drinking binge.

Join the Conversation

Posts You May Be Interested In

come unwind in the bp lounge

Posted by: irishwriter

Last Reply: irishwriter 12/26/2019

7916

theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
Walk a Day

Posted by: Rizen

Last Reply: mujicaptsd 01/17/2020

1872

I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...

come unwind in the bp lounge

Walk a Day