I dont think you should say anything and this is why. Your hypersensitive because of your abuse. I am that way too. I am a male who was abused by my brother. I am very protective of my kids, to the extreme. I have had to do a lot of praying about this and seek counseling. I projected my feelings from the abuse on other people. The behavior sounds normal, especially for a 10 year old. That is how little girls are. Have you sought counsel for this? I will always be looking out for my kids, but at the same time I have to ask myself if I am overreacting.

I know I'm asking for advice and I appreciate yours. I understand that I am hypersensitive to the subject. However...is it really ok for her at 10 to be laying on the couch...his legs open and her laying on his thigh/groin area? Or am I really just that messed up that this is normal and bothers me so much?

Let me begin by saying that was a very cogent and well articulated question. You seem to have good insight..I would be curious as to what makes you believe your niece is struggling with the shared attention...since you state that as a fact, it suggests she's doing something that leads you to believe that something "different" than before. Have you seen a change in her behavior (or his for that matter) since you came into the picture? Has your boyfriend noticed this as well? I assume there has prior discussions with your BF about his relationship with his niece? Is the closeness and affection you're witnessing something new or have they always been affectionate? If they've always been affectionate with one another, then what's changed other than your niece is beginning to develop? I guess I'm not sure what the new "boundries'" would be you're referring to...no more laying next to daddy on the couch? Why if it's non-sexual and normal affection? What do breasts have to do with that? I do understand your question and your confusion...all I can say is, I trust my instincts. Coming from a home without appropriate boundaries, I'm hypersensitive to the issue. The more I try to answer your question the more I realize I would have to see the interactions to know whether I think it's something that needs to be addressed or whether it's your own issues getting projected on to a normal, natural non-sexual affection going on between a little girl and her father. Regardless though, the fact you've sought out this forum to ask the question means it's something that needs to be discussed with your BF. Again, I assume you've discussed your past molestation with your BF? Whether warranted or not, it is concerning you and thus something to be discussed with him. It doesn't need to be accusatory at all...something as simple as just mentioning to him that seeing the two of them being affectionate especially now that she's close to the age when you were molested brings up painful memories. That's just the truth...it can open up an avenue to at least get his thoughts on the matter and perhaps have him reflect on his interaction with her...all I can tell you is in my life I have seen similar interactions between fathers and daughter that "felt" normal (no red flags come up) and completely appropriate while others have made me uncomfortable like you. While I didn't necessarily think anything necessarily inappropriate was going on consciously but I sensed some "sexual" overtones to the interactions. I genuinely think my history makes me pick up subtle sexual things that may go unnoticed by someone who comes from a more normal background. Sorry I don't know how helpful this is...as like you, my background didn't allow me to see "normal" affection between parents and their children as they approached puberty...so I really dk how to answer in a way that's really helpful...other than it's something you need to discuss with your BF. The rest is a judgment call.

I have to say that I would have loved having an affectionate father that I could lay on the couch with. The distance between myself and my father has made natural affection difficult for me with men. Unless there is an undercurrent of a sexual type - I'd let it go. You don't want to create a problem where there is none. And you don't want to create resentment in this situation. I come from sexual abuse and I too am hypersensitive to anything that appears sexual and inappropriate. And maybe it does make you a litttle jealous seeing their closeness - it might bother me if I was in your position - but I'd leave it alone unless something gets strange. Good luck with this. Lindajean

I'm really not sure what to say. I never grew up in a home where I thought that closeness was appropriate. I was abused since the age of 5 and have always grown up thinking even kissing your father on the lips was inappropriate. I believe that I am hypersensitive to the subject too. I would think though, that closeness WOULD in fact be normal for a father and daughter. If it doesn't look overly suspicious, I don't think that I would say anything, just watch things. I will soon have to deal with the closeness a child and father should have, I have my own on the way. I'm sure that if it is a girl that I would be extra watchful, even though I couldn't imagine my boyfriend doing those things....but who really can? Anyway, I wish you luck and stay strong. If you need to talk, I'm here for you.

for myself not having a father around much growing up I understand what you talking about because I was abused by my stepfather when I wa 15 and it finally got to a point where he and my mom went to jail for it with this being his neice and she has known him since she was a baby just keep an I on her and or him and not say to much at this point but hopefully you have talked to him about what happened to you and if this keeps bothering you if you trust him enough dicuss this concern with him.

Thank you all for your advice. I decided that whether I was being hypersensitive to the subject or not, it was important for me to talk to my BF about it due to the way that it's effecting me. I started by mentioning why I was feeling this way and how the abuse in my past causes me to be hypersensitive to issues that are "normal" to others. I asked him at what age he thought it became inappropriate. He didn't have a real answer however agreed if I were to do the same things with my dad or if my 14 year old sister were to that would not be appropriate. I think we agreed that when develpment starts occuring is when new boundries need to be set. However, I don't know what he really thinks about it cuz he wouldn't give me an opinion or communicate with me about it...he just agreed with what I had to say, which honestly irritates me and makes me feel disconnected from him. He did however completely agree about the pj's. I am very discouraged though, cuz I didn't feel like I could really talk to him about my abuse. He told me last night "I thought you were over this" which sent me into a huge emotional downfall. I am calling a counselor from my church tomorrow and beginning to meet with her. He isn't exactly for counseling either. In the end I asked that he would no longer have her lay between his legs and he asked about her head on his lap...I said I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it, but I know it would make me feel better if there was a pillow on his lap in such a case. I understand a good majority, if not all, of this is due to my past, but at the same time I don't need to have intense triggers of what happened to me. I will keep you all updated and thank you again for your advice.

Parenting is in my opinion one of the hardest jobs you will ever do. There is no hard fast manual to go from and every parent holds different values and morales which they pass on to their children.

Most young children are fearful that they will not rcv as much attn when a baby is due on the way and some tend to become quite clingy or act out in the bids of retaining that attn.

Victims of sexual abuse become more attuned to body language of others I think and so they more readily spot behavior that is likely to be inappropriate as is the case with you I suspect.

Perhaps when you talk to your BF you could discuss some boundaries on what you each define as appropriate and inappropriate behavior, that way there is no doubt.

I had that type of relationship with my dad. I used to go under the cars help hm fix them. I would sit on his lap until i was like 13 or 14 when i needed to sit on his lap (aka when i was getting a needle). my dads the only male that can actualy give me a hug, i still flitch and pull back and dont like it, and i let him hug me when im turned side ways. But other men no way even females i hate it, my mom hugs me but i pull away with her. I think its normal for little girls to be close to there dad IF the father hasnt dont anything to her, my dad never hurt me and im glad that it wasnt my dad me and my dad are really close.