I've a got a joke. lol... it's in bad taste but it's funny if you're like me and over the hell you've been through. well mostly over at least.

How many lawyers does it take to put a pedophile in jail?
more than one otherwise we wouldn't of lost.

lol it's bad I know but think of it like... wow at least nothing other than that went wrong.

That's a good start CALLME.. We need to claim this site and run with it.

Im desperatly trying to think of something funny, minds gone a blank, but here's what I say to myself it might help....

" Right now, I am dealing with the ashes; messy, filthy as they are and even sometimes get right into my lungs .., the FIRE is OUT and can no long BURN me. "

So slowly I clear up some more ashes, go away for a while and come back and clear some more, there might always be ashes. But like I say they can no longer burn me and increase my pain.

Come on guys... lets pull out the positive stops !!

Is that why it's so hard to hold a discussion? I keep logging in hoping to connect with someone. ANYONE. Instead I settle, offering comments to posts that are hours old. When I read "SURVIVOR'S Guide" does that mean "surviving" the something we underwent or surviving the community, as in enduring the pensiveness?

I like to write, that helps. But I also feel good knowing that I can connect with others. That really helps. Believe me.

I have found that, in the years of seeing COUNTLESS therapists, doctors and counselors, only one helped me.

She broke it down for me in a way that I see as "stepping stones," 1) I had to survive while running away from the abuser (but that was a long time ago, wasn't it?) 2) I have to fight through the mess in my life (only one thing remains...the nightmares) 3) Sifting through the other two, I've become this "warrior," able to reflect, try to impart wisdom (this one's harder, because the only way I can is through writing).

I like quotes. I come across some really good stuff, and one that captures my attention is something I read at my last job, posted on the wall: "Tough times don't last. People do."

I like your mind NavyBlue. It would be good to encourage others to chat in this place. Maybe we need to put the word out. We could post a SEXUAL ABUSE PARTY... OMG... I cant believe I just wrote that...!! Seems perverse, but I guess I am qualified to write it if I want, right?!

I have 2 questions and I kinda even feel weird asking them.

I am not sure how far along in the healing process I actually am because I am dealing with more than one rape and rapes of different kinds.

I woke up this morning after yet another night of little sleep. I feel like I have more control over what is happening to me...but I also feel like I am at a point that I have to define if I am in control of it, or it is in control of me.
Does anyone feel this way or have felt this way? I feel like I am questioning which side of the coin I am on each day.

I never really gave myself time to be upset about any of this. Everyone keeps asking if I am depressed or someother emotion I can't identify. I sometime think something is wrong with because I am not. I get on here and read your struggles and consider myself lucky to only have small bouts of I can't handle this. I keep waiting for some impending doom. When does the bomb actually fall?

i almost left this site several weeks ago when there was some drama that made me uncomfortable. i'm so glad i didn't! for me conflict of any kind has always been extremely threatening - it always ended in either physical or sexual abuse or both. so when i felt it here, i was ready to run. instead i backed off for a week or so and let things calm down. i realized that with anything like this site there are going to be some downfalls. the positives though (chatting with some wonderful, caring people who know what i am going through) have so greatly outweighed the negatives. seems to me like we all have to approach this site with an attitude that allows us to rake in the positive effects but let any negative stuff roll off our backs.

i copied this from the ptsd discussion board...

This is reprinted from the Sidran Foundation for Trauma Education and Advocacy which can be found at www.sidran.org

Trauma Survivors' Bill of Rights

By Virtue of Your
Personal Authority
You Have the Right to . . .

Manage your life according to your own values and judgment.

Direct your recovery, answerable to no one for your goals or progress.

Gather information to make intelligent decisions about your recovery.

Seek help from many sources, unhindered by demands for exclusivity.

Decline help from anyone without having to justify the decision.

Believe in your ability to heal and seek allies who share your faith.

Trust allies in healing so far as one human can trust another.

Be afraid and avoid what frightens you.

Decide for yourself whether, when, and where to confront fear.

Learn by experimenting, that is, make mistakes.


To Guard Your
Personal Boundaries
You Have the Right to . . .

Be touched only with, and within the limits of, your consent.

Speak or remain silent, about any topic and at any time, as you wish.

Choose to accept or decline feedback, suggestions, or interpretations.

Ask for help in healing, without having to accept help with everything.

Challenge any crossing of your boundaries.

Take action to stop a trespass that does not cease when challenged.


For the Integrity of Your
Personal Communication
You Have the Right to . . .

Ask for explanation of communications you do not understand.

Express a contrary view when you do understand and you disagree.

Acknowledge your feelings, without having to justify them.

Ask for changes when your needs are not being met.

Speak of your experience, without apology for your uncertainties.

Resolve doubt without deferring to the views or wishes of anyone.


For Safety in Your
Personal Dependency in Therapy
You Have the Right to . . .

Hire a therapist or counselor as coach, not boss, of your recovery.

Receive expert and faithful assistance in healing from your therapist.

Know that your therapist will never have any other relationship with you business, social, or sexual.

Be secure against any disclosure by your therapist, except with your consent or under court order.

Hold your therapist's undivided loyalty in relation to all abusers.

Obtain informative answers to questions about your condition, your therapist's qualifications, and any proposed treatment.

Have your safety given priority by your therapist, to the point of readiness to use all lawful means to neutralize an imminent threat to your life or that of someone else.

Receive a commitment from your therapist that is not conditional on your "good behavior" (habitual crime and endangerment excepted).

Make clear and reliable agreements about the times of sessions and of your therapist's availability.

Telephone your therapist between scheduled sessions, in urgent need, and receive a return call within a reasonable time.

Be taught skills that lessen the risk of re-traumatization:

containment (boundaries for recovery work);

control of attention and mental imagery;

systematic relaxation.

Enjoy reasonable physical comfort during sessions.
Posted on 04/26/07, 12:04 pm

shyleigh, i'm gonna post this on my blog. IT's great. A reminder of who I am, and who I was and who I want to become.

Because one day I hope to become a father.

Thank you. Really. I love this!

WOAH! Thats a lot of very useful stuff Shyleigh..., might take me a while to digest it all. It is ESSENTIAL though as boundaries are often an issue for me as a result of the abuse and boundaries that were overstepped.

Its easy to let people creep into areas that they have no right to be in...! It can be subtle, but not good for me and I may not acknowledge it until some further damage has been done.

I should stick these up around my house to remind me... (probably the back of the bathroom door is a good place!!!). Hx

HeleneDM how about calling that a survivors party, and we each help each other, celebrating the fact that we are one day at a time over coming the pain in some small triumph that each one of us has been dealt.

i think meow posted the original bill of rights on the ptsd board. i loved it and thought it would be helpful.
dotsuwa - i love your idea and i think i'm going to start a special calendar dedicated to celebrating anything positive that i am able to do for myself each day. i think that will also help to remind me to DO something for myself everyday. seems most days i am at the bottom of my list and often get skipped.

Shyleigh, Im not even on the list, let alone at the bottom...!

Thank you for this. I don't really have any survivor thing to post, other than a quote that is responsible for some new thinking in my life. I do not know who said it so I cannot attribute thanks to them.

"If you do what you've always done,
You'll get what you've always got."

I am also interested in your survivors party. I too wish others were here to talk to when I am. I am in Australia however, so sometimes the time thing is an issue.
All the best to all of you, and thank you.

If you don't mind ITSMYTIME I encourage people (partiuclarly incest survivors) to read your journal today (Monday 7/3) and the comments thereafter... They speak volumes about us.... You did good!