Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
First I would like to say that I am so glad I found this website, I am so happy to know there are so many people out there who have gone through and deal with the problems as me. I think this site is a great place for hope and support.
I am having an issue with past sexual abuse so I will give a little background on what has happened and what is happening today...
For as long as I can remember, all I have known is sex. My parents have been divorced since I was 1 and me and my brother would always go and stay with my dad on the weekends (as long as my parents weren't fighting) My father owned a pornography store and on the weekends that is where we would spend most of our days. One of my earliest memories is of watching a pornography and knowing I shouldn't be watching it but not being able to take my eyes off of it. My father was always sexually innappropraite with me, my whole life, he is a very sick man. He never touched me though, it was always just comments about how sexy I was and specific things about my female parts. Also he always had pornography around the house and women were always around and I could always here them having sex. As I got older I was molested by a friend of my dad's (I was 13 or 14 and he was 30 or 31) my dad was upstairs when it happened, the man was supposed to be watching me, because I was extremely drunk and my father wanted to go have sex. I was raped right after my 14th birthday by my brothers bestfriend and then again when I was 14 by my boyfriend who I had just broken up with, I never considered either of these two rape because the first one I was blacked out and stilla virgin so I figured I just denied it happened and the second one was done by the person I had given my virginity away too so I just figured that he was aloud to have sex with me even when I said no and faught him. Finally I was raped one more time when I was 15 by a 25 year old and this was the only one that I did something about, I went to the police which I almost wish I didn't do because they made me feel like it was my fault and the guy only got 10 months in jail. It really upsets me that someone can rape a young girl and get less than a year, but if you sell drugs you can get 25 years, doesn't make sense to me. So anyway that is a little of the history here is my problem.
I have a boyfriend who is the nicest guy and who will never hurt me or force me to do anything I don't want to do. I enjoy having sex with him and that is a first for me. Recently, however, when we have sex I get these really bad images and thoughts in my head that I am actually having sex with my dad. It freaks me out! Most of the time I can block them out and just remind myself that it is my boyfriend but last night, I had a break down. I don't know what to do about this problem and I am wondering if Anyone has had a similar problem and if so what have they done about it.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I look foward to any support you can give me.
I am having an issue with past sexual abuse so I will give a little background on what has happened and what is happening today...
For as long as I can remember, all I have known is sex. My parents have been divorced since I was 1 and me and my brother would always go and stay with my dad on the weekends (as long as my parents weren't fighting) My father owned a pornography store and on the weekends that is where we would spend most of our days. One of my earliest memories is of watching a pornography and knowing I shouldn't be watching it but not being able to take my eyes off of it. My father was always sexually innappropraite with me, my whole life, he is a very sick man. He never touched me though, it was always just comments about how sexy I was and specific things about my female parts. Also he always had pornography around the house and women were always around and I could always here them having sex. As I got older I was molested by a friend of my dad's (I was 13 or 14 and he was 30 or 31) my dad was upstairs when it happened, the man was supposed to be watching me, because I was extremely drunk and my father wanted to go have sex. I was raped right after my 14th birthday by my brothers bestfriend and then again when I was 14 by my boyfriend who I had just broken up with, I never considered either of these two rape because the first one I was blacked out and stilla virgin so I figured I just denied it happened and the second one was done by the person I had given my virginity away too so I just figured that he was aloud to have sex with me even when I said no and faught him. Finally I was raped one more time when I was 15 by a 25 year old and this was the only one that I did something about, I went to the police which I almost wish I didn't do because they made me feel like it was my fault and the guy only got 10 months in jail. It really upsets me that someone can rape a young girl and get less than a year, but if you sell drugs you can get 25 years, doesn't make sense to me. So anyway that is a little of the history here is my problem.
I have a boyfriend who is the nicest guy and who will never hurt me or force me to do anything I don't want to do. I enjoy having sex with him and that is a first for me. Recently, however, when we have sex I get these really bad images and thoughts in my head that I am actually having sex with my dad. It freaks me out! Most of the time I can block them out and just remind myself that it is my boyfriend but last night, I had a break down. I don't know what to do about this problem and I am wondering if Anyone has had a similar problem and if so what have they done about it.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I look foward to any support you can give me.
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Kayla
You were thrown into an adult concept at such a young age..such trauma to a young developing mind of a child. Your father made himself a sexual being to you instead of what a father is supposed to be...a picture of security and stability, protection and reliability.
I can see how sex would be intertwined with your dad for you. He threw you into that world and then neglected you, allowing you to experience even more trauma.
I'd say that you might consider journalling. I'd try to find a correlation between what you are feeling during sex now and when you have these images. Is it when sex gets hot or when it is more trusting, etc. You might find yourself suprised to find a link between these images and the times when you are actually feeling love and trust with your boyfriend. It could also be during times of being just outside your "comfort zone". Start jotting down thoughts, feelings and see what you can figure out.
Acknowledge the struggle, accept the hints (images during sex) as a way to better understand your process and as a way to help heal.