Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I have not talked to anybody about this ... NO ONE KNOWS THIS except me and the people i am talking about!!!
I know it doesn't say anything on my page about this ... of fear that it was all my fault & that no one will understand.
to make a long story short ... (which will still be long)
my mom left me and my half brother (he is 2 years older) when i was about 1 year at my fathers house and took off for almost 5 months. MY FATHER HATED MY BROTHER because he wasn't his. So he would scream at him and raise his hands on him. One day he pushed him down the stairs and they had to bring him into the hospital where he had to stay for almost 2!!! years. My father went to jail for attempted murder.
My mom was back with me then, took an apartment, wouldn't even care about my brother. My grandmother went to the hospital every day.
Then my mom met another man and just took off again, left me in the apartment (in a house with no other tenants in!) in between dogshit and garbage. My grandmother hasn't heard from her so she decided to visit out and she found me in the apartment left alone. So she took me with her.
After my brother got out the hospital my grandmother took him too, so we three lived together.
My mom would come and live with us every now and then, but as soon as she had met a man she would leave until they would break up again.
some of the guys she has been with didn't had a problem with us as her kids ... so sometimes she would take us with and then we would live with her and her boyfriend for a few months. they would have parties at night, get drunk, and sometimes the guys that she was hanging out with ... well, she would just send them into our bedroom and have them sleep there.
I don't know if she didn't wanted to know or if she really didn't know or if she just didn't fucking care what was going on then?! and when they broke up, we would be going back to grandma again.
My grandmother tried to not make a difference in us children but it was hard for her. She knew what my dad did to my brother and she saw him every day at the hospital struggeling for 2 years to survive. So I don't blame her.
But As we got older (I was around 7 years)my brother started becoming mean and angry at me. When we were outside playing around with friends, climbing on trees or something like this he would just throw things at me. If we were standing on a wall he would just push me down. He would always try to intentionally hurt me somehow. He told his schoolfriends to scare me and push me around.
I started talking to my grandma but all she said was that he is having a hard time and i shouldn't be so hard on him. I should always remember what he has been through.
The house wasn't big so my brother and I shared a bedroom.
sometimes he would stay up at night and when i fell asleep he would kick me out of bed. Or he would bump my head against the bedframe until my nose were bleeding.
One time he did that right before there was a photo shooting at school. So the teachers saw my nose and the blue marks on my face. They talked to my grandma and she said that we were just playing rough and i fell against the bed.
when i was 10 years old ... one night he started touching me, I told him no but he told me to shut up or I will fly out the bed again. So i shut my mouth. He would touch me all over and it felt so bad, sickenend. And he stopped again. But the next time he went further, he would reach under my pyjamas, and between my legs. I told him no but he didn't stop. Everytime he would go a little further with his touching until one night he made me take my clothes off in front of him. I was so embarassed. And when i said i don't want to do that, when i asked him to leave me alone he told me that he will do something so that grandma will kick me out and get rid of me.
a few times a week he would do that at night, have me take my clothes off and stand naked in front of him, and he would touch himself ( i didn't really know what he was doing ... now i do hm) ... and then he would tell me to sit myself on him. I didn't know what was happening. That just felt so wrong but he would frighten me again by saying i will be kicked out of home, or that he'll beat me if i don't do it. so i did it ... i just let it all happen.
He kept doing this until i was 13/ 14 years ... then he moved out and moved in with our mother. I kept living with my grandma cause my mom told me there was no space for me.
I didn't even try talking to anyone anymore ... I figured that this is just the way it is.
when i turned 16 i had to move to my moms too, started a school there.
My mom and her husband had a little truck company (food transportation) ... the house was on the company complex, the living apartment upstairs, and downstairs were the bathroom for the truckdrivers, the office, the cantine and my room.
those truck drivers would all find me a little cutie, a little doll.
One night someone pounded at my window ... a truck driver, totally drunk, i told him to go away but he got so mad at me he broke the window and he rushed at me, saying that he wants me and that he always gets what he wants.
I was screaming but NO ONE would hear me. The next day my mom got mad at me when she saw the window was broken and i told her what happened, so she called that man and invited him over, and when he was there (god he still smelled like alcohol disgusting!) she asked him if he was there last night and she told him what i said. HE DENIED EVERYTHING AND SHE GOT MAD AT ME AND HIT ME FOR ACCUSING A MAN OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT
2 years later i decided to pack my stuff and moved out over night. stopped every contact with my family.
I started going crazy ... I would have sex at every opportunity I could get. INSANE! ... i didn't even enjoy it ... it was more like proofing to myself that I can do it.
and to this day ... i still havn't figured out what really happened ... with the guys my mom has been with, with my brother, that truck driver ...
i just started thinking that somehow it is me ...
don't know
every day i wonder what people will think of me if they knew, will they hate me, will they distance themselves from me, will they blame me for this?!
i just don't know anymore
all i know is that every day i have those memories ...
and i can't get them out my mind ...
thanks for listening/ reading
Mandy
I know it doesn't say anything on my page about this ... of fear that it was all my fault & that no one will understand.
to make a long story short ... (which will still be long)
my mom left me and my half brother (he is 2 years older) when i was about 1 year at my fathers house and took off for almost 5 months. MY FATHER HATED MY BROTHER because he wasn't his. So he would scream at him and raise his hands on him. One day he pushed him down the stairs and they had to bring him into the hospital where he had to stay for almost 2!!! years. My father went to jail for attempted murder.
My mom was back with me then, took an apartment, wouldn't even care about my brother. My grandmother went to the hospital every day.
Then my mom met another man and just took off again, left me in the apartment (in a house with no other tenants in!) in between dogshit and garbage. My grandmother hasn't heard from her so she decided to visit out and she found me in the apartment left alone. So she took me with her.
After my brother got out the hospital my grandmother took him too, so we three lived together.
My mom would come and live with us every now and then, but as soon as she had met a man she would leave until they would break up again.
some of the guys she has been with didn't had a problem with us as her kids ... so sometimes she would take us with and then we would live with her and her boyfriend for a few months. they would have parties at night, get drunk, and sometimes the guys that she was hanging out with ... well, she would just send them into our bedroom and have them sleep there.
I don't know if she didn't wanted to know or if she really didn't know or if she just didn't fucking care what was going on then?! and when they broke up, we would be going back to grandma again.
My grandmother tried to not make a difference in us children but it was hard for her. She knew what my dad did to my brother and she saw him every day at the hospital struggeling for 2 years to survive. So I don't blame her.
But As we got older (I was around 7 years)my brother started becoming mean and angry at me. When we were outside playing around with friends, climbing on trees or something like this he would just throw things at me. If we were standing on a wall he would just push me down. He would always try to intentionally hurt me somehow. He told his schoolfriends to scare me and push me around.
I started talking to my grandma but all she said was that he is having a hard time and i shouldn't be so hard on him. I should always remember what he has been through.
The house wasn't big so my brother and I shared a bedroom.
sometimes he would stay up at night and when i fell asleep he would kick me out of bed. Or he would bump my head against the bedframe until my nose were bleeding.
One time he did that right before there was a photo shooting at school. So the teachers saw my nose and the blue marks on my face. They talked to my grandma and she said that we were just playing rough and i fell against the bed.
when i was 10 years old ... one night he started touching me, I told him no but he told me to shut up or I will fly out the bed again. So i shut my mouth. He would touch me all over and it felt so bad, sickenend. And he stopped again. But the next time he went further, he would reach under my pyjamas, and between my legs. I told him no but he didn't stop. Everytime he would go a little further with his touching until one night he made me take my clothes off in front of him. I was so embarassed. And when i said i don't want to do that, when i asked him to leave me alone he told me that he will do something so that grandma will kick me out and get rid of me.
a few times a week he would do that at night, have me take my clothes off and stand naked in front of him, and he would touch himself ( i didn't really know what he was doing ... now i do hm) ... and then he would tell me to sit myself on him. I didn't know what was happening. That just felt so wrong but he would frighten me again by saying i will be kicked out of home, or that he'll beat me if i don't do it. so i did it ... i just let it all happen.
He kept doing this until i was 13/ 14 years ... then he moved out and moved in with our mother. I kept living with my grandma cause my mom told me there was no space for me.
I didn't even try talking to anyone anymore ... I figured that this is just the way it is.
when i turned 16 i had to move to my moms too, started a school there.
My mom and her husband had a little truck company (food transportation) ... the house was on the company complex, the living apartment upstairs, and downstairs were the bathroom for the truckdrivers, the office, the cantine and my room.
those truck drivers would all find me a little cutie, a little doll.
One night someone pounded at my window ... a truck driver, totally drunk, i told him to go away but he got so mad at me he broke the window and he rushed at me, saying that he wants me and that he always gets what he wants.
I was screaming but NO ONE would hear me. The next day my mom got mad at me when she saw the window was broken and i told her what happened, so she called that man and invited him over, and when he was there (god he still smelled like alcohol disgusting!) she asked him if he was there last night and she told him what i said. HE DENIED EVERYTHING AND SHE GOT MAD AT ME AND HIT ME FOR ACCUSING A MAN OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT
2 years later i decided to pack my stuff and moved out over night. stopped every contact with my family.
I started going crazy ... I would have sex at every opportunity I could get. INSANE! ... i didn't even enjoy it ... it was more like proofing to myself that I can do it.
and to this day ... i still havn't figured out what really happened ... with the guys my mom has been with, with my brother, that truck driver ...
i just started thinking that somehow it is me ...
don't know
every day i wonder what people will think of me if they knew, will they hate me, will they distance themselves from me, will they blame me for this?!
i just don't know anymore
all i know is that every day i have those memories ...
and i can't get them out my mind ...
thanks for listening/ reading
Mandy
-
I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
-
I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
I really appreciate it.
any advice on how I can deal with those memories coming back every day?!
Mandy
None of that is your fault and I think you did the right thing ingetting out of the situation.
I was highly promiscuous for a while (didn't enjoy it, though) too. I don't know what to tell you about dealing with the memories, though. They come, and you just deal. You deal or you go crazy. BUT JUST KNOW THAT NONE OF IT WAS YOUR FAULT!!! You might want to find a therapist or at least start a journal to put your thoughts in. Consider buying the Courage to Heal or something similar. I wish I could help you more, but there is no magical cure for dealing with such things. Just the stregnth we have within ourselves (which is usually enough, even if we don't know it)
As for other people, you have to tell someone, be it a significant other, a therapist, or a trusted friend. You're off to a good start telling other survivors, but you should find someone who can comfort you and help you immediately, instead of waiting for a reply. Someone you can call or meet somewhere.
Again, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!! THE PEOPLE WHO DID THIS TO YOU ARE THE ONES THAT ARE SICK!!!!!!!!
thanks for your reply.
I tried to talk to people, but it just won't come out ... its like a wall building up right in front of me that won't let me speak ...
and now, there is really no one around to talk ... then what???
i just don't know
NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, IT WAS NEVER EVER YOUR FAULT.
Because if it was your fault, than it was my fault for being abused when i was three, and again when i was seven. And every other person who is abused.
So if i'm not supposed to blame myself then neither are you, even if you're caught in a full blown flashback, just remember it never was and never will be your fault,
even if those feelings never go away, and your "parents" tell you it is, IT'S NOT
YOU WERE THE VICTIM, and you survived
remember that
I HAVE DONE THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT I AM NOT PROUD OF, I HAVE SLEPT AROUND LOOKING FOR LOVE AND ALL I WAS GETTING WAS SEX...ITS A CAUSE THAT EVERYONE WOMAN GOES THRU AFTER THE TRAUMATIC LIFE AS HAVE HAD...SHAME, DEPRESSION, HATRED, BEING ANGRY ALL ARE PART OF WHAT WE GO THROUGH...
i know how hard it is. You definitely are not at fault though. You didn't cause this. Your family members are to blame-the ones who hurt you, didn't believe you...
i know it's so hard. You're in my thoughts.
I went through the same thing with proving to myself my own control with having sex. I didn't even enjoy it most of the times. It was a way for me to take back what was taken away from me when I was so young. Don't look down, keep your head up! (((( HUGS ))))
I just wanted to thank everyone that has replied to my post.
To an answer that has been made here ... I look at sex as something that is aggressive ... and the only purpose is the satisfaction and pleasure for the other one. I can't allow myself to feel pleasure. If I do I find myself feeling guilty and ashamed for feeling pleasure.
I think it was a big step for me to finally open up and let it all out. For years now I had been keeping all those memories to myself ... and i think speaking out here was my first step. The next step for me to take now is i would think to allow myself to let others know the real me ... not the me that's holding everything inside with a perfect mask on.