i get really cold sometimes...when i get sad...it's like a chill only worse i think.
my teeth will chatter....could be hot out even.
so when i can i'll take a really hot shower...turn it up all the way and wait....and like 15 minutes i'll realize it's too hot.

To "lost," no I haven't experienced this but I've heard of others who have. I think it's "normal" considering what you've experienced. Have you tried writing in a journal what you're feeling and/or thinking about when you start to feel "dirty?" Maybe if you could "write it out" it would help you to get it out.

I know writing can be hard ... since when I feel down, I rarely feel like writing. But, that said, based on what others have written here on DS, I think it works. Good luck to you.

And to "Jane," is't weird, the same thing happens to me. I get so cold... A hot shower and warm clothes usually does the trick and warm me up. I wonder what causes it? For me, it's pretty infrequent ... but when it does happen it's so weird.

i have written and I write but it seems that nothing can make me clean...

This may sound weird but bare with me: I had a similar experience, and I not only had to scrub myself but everything I owned, it helped, but the thing that really did it was playing with my persection. I had to say "ok self, I know we feel dirty, but we're not, so I'm going to believe that becasue I know sometimes my persecption is not reality" I know sounds like a weird drug trip, but I just had to aknowledge that because of what I've been through I can't always trust how I see things, so I just told myself I was clean, and waited until I could believe it. Hope it helps...

yes right after i was a wreck and i thought that there wasn't anything i can do i got lost in the reality of what just happened

I understand the symbolism, but you face an impossible task. You can't wash yourself clean when you aren't dirty. It isn't you. You need to recognize that there is evil in the world and there are evil dirty people. They are the ones that are dirty not you. I know how each of you feel. I felt that way for about six years after I found out someone I trusted molested my kids. I blamed myself for what someone else did and not knowing what the evil person did. Please don't waste six years of your life blaming yourself for evil you didn't do.

I wonder if that is why I am always cold? Yes, I try to wash off the "dirt". this sometimes works but doesn't last. I love how poetic your message is.

I am still scrubbing...I am still trying to escape him...i see him in my dreams and he scares the hell out of me

I have felt EXACTLY this way. I don't remember ever feeling dirty from any of the abuse as a child however I have always compulsively showered and I wonder if that has something to do with it because while I was in high school and I started dating I had a bad tendency of not knowing (or being able to) stop things that I didn't want to happen. It's then that I began the ritual of deep cleaning; and I was very aware of why I was doing it then.

I guess the awarness in itself is a feat. I know what has made me feel dirty. but i was so young, that i do not remember ever being clean.

i know what you mean, hon. i have phobias about not being clean...and it is not me, it is the stain on my soul from the dirty deeds of others. I have a suggestion. Why don't you write 'him' a letter and don't hold back anything. Just let the anger and the disgust pour out on the paper. Then read it out loud, as though he could hear you. If he is dead, then read it to his grave. Then burn the letter and take back your power. His is over. You are not a small child in his clutches. You are a woman. Direct the anger to the one who birthed the sense of shame and terror. Ask God to help you, dear. I scream, and cry out to Him because I know, even in the midst of my horror that He is the only one who can make me clean. xoxo, cherie

no i have not done this but still ten years laters at times i feel dirty and i flashback to that moment

Yes the flashbacks are my biggest obstacle to overcome right now, as I am sure they are yours.

I do this too. After "it" happens I take a shower. I either have it on burning hot or freezing cold or switch from cold to hot. I scrub myself all over as hard as I can till I cant no more. I know how you feel

Sometimes I'll spend like an hour in the shower and then I'll come out and feel dirty all over again. I don't know how to make it go away.