I didn't need to do that myself, but I know quite a few people who grew up in dysfunctional families and who have done that. Maybe you could contact your local Al-anon office and see if there are any children of Alcoholics meetiigs in your area. Perhaps you could attend a few and find some support there.

hi,
i cut my dad out 10 years ago. he was my abuser. the rest of my family had cut him out a few years before and had been pressuring me to do the same so that made it easier. it was kind of hard at the time because i still loved my dad but i knew that father-daughter bond had been broken and i couldnt pretend the abuse hadnt happened. plus my dad was still trying to be sexual with me. He was a bit of a bastard in other ways too so i knew it was best for me to cut him out. it took a little while to get used to but then i was glad i did it.
if contact with your family is causing you more grief than benefits and uve tried to resolve the issues with them and that hasnt worked, i would say it would be best to cut them off. Tell them what behaviour you dont like, tell them what kind of relationship you would like. tell them when you can have the kind of relationship you would like with them you will invite them back in your life but the way things are, it is too damaging for you to continue the contact.
Im really sorry for this. I know its a sad thing to do. you must put yourself first though. your health and sanity come first.
take care

Well the problem is they don't give a damn, if i don't call them, them NEVER Call me.
They never called me for 24 years, not even on Christmas or New year.......

So is me that has kept the contact, well they did contacted me after 24 years to tell me my nephew who i only saw 2 times in his whole life had commited suicide.

Then during the funeral, they said we should get close blah,blah and i fell for it.
Now is back to the same they NEVER call me, when i tell them that i think is better for me to cut ties with them, they just say "well do it".They don't even ask why, nothing.......So they do not give a damn, i think is what they want anyway.

My sister is COLD, whenever i e.mail her telling her i don't think i can do it anymore, that i feel like i'm dying and i just want to commit suicide, she doesn't reply to the e.mail.

She only replies to superficial e.mails.

Amiko, I have never had to cut ties with my family. Although there were times that I thought about it ... I realize that my family is spread out across the country and it makes dealing with them much easier. I can choose to call, email, visit or not.

It is definitely up to you as to whether you want to cut ties or not. If you feel they are never going to change and you will always feel dissapointed in them ... that's your purogative.

Just remember that old saying, we can choose our friends but we can't choose our family. With that being said, think long and hard before you make any type of hasty decision.
I think you need to be comfortable with the decision you make before you carry it out.

Crusty had a good idea too. I, myself, attended a few of my local Al-anon meetings. They deal more with the feelings of the person attending and are very nonjudgemental ... simply supportive. They just might have some good advice for you too.

I never thought an Al-anon meeting would be of use to me. It was my therapist who suggested it so, with some trepidation, I went to one. It was a real eye opener for me.

I'm truly sorry you are going through more of this with your family ... especially around the holidays. I'm keeping you on my mind and in my heart.
peace and love ... Kyle Anne

My question with Alanon, is even if your family didn't drink, woould it be helpful?

I have not find a support group here for adult survivors of abuse.....I know Alanon is every where.I'm sure i find those.

Hard to believe but my family is THAT dysfunctional sober!imao.

In regards to Alanon, I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics way back in the beginning of going to therapy. In some places they are called ACOA meetings.Those meetings were a lifesaver. Since I lived with alcoholics in my childhood and was abused by some of them, it was the perfect meeting for me to vent, cry, and get support. There were people in these meetings who did not have alcoholism in their families but came from dysfunctional families.
For me I found just staying away from my family , no calls, no visits was good for my healing. What I have also realized by all the rejection I got from my foster mother when I did call, was I needed to go to a place of ACCEPTANCE. I would never get the love, the understanding, the consideration from this woman. That was a bitter pill to swallow. That my foster mother just did not care about my recovery, that I was a threat to her bringing up sexual abuse, when she also was sexually abused by the same father. I grieved the loss of her love in therapy. When I was finally able to cut the ties I found that I no longer cried at the end of a phone call, that I felt better about myself because I was protecting this hurt little child inside of me. I cannot make someone care for me, nor love me. That is the work I am must do for me. it's working!!!!!!

I think deep down in each of us is this sort of homing device that pulls us towards our families. When that kicks in, you act from that yearning. It is a most difficult thing to reach out for love and not have it be there. Obligation is another reason we try to "make peace." It's just a myth. Obligate yourself to yourself, eh?

Look for places you know love will be returned, based on previous experiences, and practice loving yourself as your first priority. You are worthy of love, amiko.

Alanon may be helpful i've been to meetings b/c my husband is an alcoholic. you don't sit around and complain/bash those people who cause you pain, instead Alanon believes the focus should be on YOU--making you a better person. Really this is helpful for anyone.

As far as family goes, i some who are helpful and some who are not. My mom was very emotionally and physically abusive growing up, and to this day is not supportive. I've made the mistake in the past of calling her in the past when i was having a rough time, crying out for a mother. I'v learned that what I WANT her to be and what she REALLY is are 2 totally different things. So i do believe distancing yourself from family is sometimes the best thing you can do for your mental health. It sucks yeah. But honestly you sound more put together than your family. Create a support system of your own: friends, church members, therapist, coworkers, etc. Find people who are POSITIVE and you can rely on. They will be your surrogate family. And of course us here at DS!!

i'm so sorry that your sister was not there for you again. i also have thought about cutting ties with my parents and brother. they only cause me grief most of the time. and i have been there for them SO MUCH, but when i truly need them, they are no where to be found! i called my mom last year and said i wanted to kill myself and she hung up on me! how nice! but yet when she would call me and tell me how much she hates having sex with my dad and that she is having an emotional affair with her first love when she was young and so much more, i listened. my family also just acts like they don't care when i say that i will cut ties with them...it's like they dare me to do it and then ignore me and see who contacts who first and it's always me...but not this time...at least not yet, but if i make the first contact this time, it's gonna be with a letter stating everything they did to me and they won't like it. i say for you, for now, stop contacting your sister...she only makes you feel bad afterwards and you don't need to feel any worse than you already do. you don't need to state that you are cutting ties if you don't want to....just let the ties unravel and no contact. sometimes i want it to be black or white..you are in my life or not...but there is lots of grey area and if you just let the ties unravel, then there is still room for the future if you still want a relationship with them. but i would just not have contact with her for awhile. i know it's easier said than done. good luck!

I'm very close to cutting my parents out of my life. My brother has already done so. You need to do what's best for you, no one can tell you if you do. Weigh the pros and cons of keeping them in your life. And if they are nothing but a drain, it might be best to just put a stop to it.

Thank you everyone for your replies, they're all helpful.
Thanks for the reference to Al-anon, i found some meetings not too far from my house which is good because driving anxiety is another of my issues.

Sorry for rambling but right now is very hard because i'm closer in distance of states to my family, my father lives in another country, although he's from this one.

He's here in the US because he's going to have surgery at the Veteran's hospital (he's a vet).He wants to see me but it causes me extreme anxiety, last time i saw him was about 14 years ago.
Before i started having triggers or putting two and two together and having a little bit of memories, and before i was told by a rape crisis center in HI, that i most definitely was sexually abused, that i'm not crazy.

I'm not sure i can forgive my father and it wouldn't be so bad on knowing what to do if my sister wasn't there.
She's a control freak and has always been there trying to control what everyone thinks and feels like is her responsabilty to "unite" everyone..........
She doesn't believe that my father molested me, and she wants me to go see him.

Part of me IF my father was really sorry and i could FEEL he was sincere, not fake like my friggin sister, perhaps i could forgive.

However with my sister in the middle of everything as always, i'm NOT giving her what she wants, i went to live on the streets picking food off the floor on her account before.
She had a family she was sent to college by my father she has had a good life, partly on my account, she ran me out of not her house but OUR house.
This time, i'm not going to DENY what i KNOW is true and do what she wants again.

I have had to cut myself off from my family many times although mostly it has been for only a couple of months. The longest time was about 4 years where my Mum & I didn't speak. Ultimately, even though this still upsets me, it was for the best as she had seen a psychologist in this time & things are better now than they were. We still have disagreements especially with what happened before I was kicked out of home but I'm learning that some people will never admit that certain things have happened, even when it's your own family. You can't change that. People will always believe what they want to. But if you know that something did happen, then you're NOT crazy believing that.

I certainly know about people not calling you. It really makes you feel like shit. That's really cold what they said to you too. You would think that opening up & telling them how you feel would help them to understand. Well, that's what I thought about my family & it didn't work for me. Good on you for standing up for yourself. You certainly can't live for other people. The phrase "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" is so true. And you know, they will be the ones to miss out in the long run. I wish you all the best!!

Hi,
i no longer see my mother she is very abusive and has blamed me for everything. it is the hardest thing cutting ties with your family. i have no other family either and have never met my dad. But it is so important to look after yourself. my mother doesn't care and i kept running back to her for so long. I'm here if you need to talk. TAKE CARE

I made it a goal here on DS. So I had that in front of my face even when I felt so guilty for cutting my mom out. It's a little bit different situation than yours cause she was abusive but way invasive so it was alwaysher calling me.

For me, It's more that I've come to realize that there's no way I can relate to them and them to me in a healthy way. They will always sponge off of me and try to manipulate me into taking care of them, and putting my needs last. And I will always feel that it is my responsibility to make sure my mother feels like her life is worthwhile, etc. I don't think they'll ever change. I can change, but still would rather not test myself in fire so to speak.
I'm not sure if I've made the right choice still, but at least for the next few years I'm going to cut them out.