how long will he be staying? you can always stay at a hotel or on a small vacation with your kids...tell your family that you and your family have been planning it for a long time now...

sorry if that suggestion didn't help...

I'm struggling with a similar family drama. The feedback I've been getting...and I agree with....is that we have to put ourselves first. You have dependent children who are counting on you to make sure they're safe. Most child sex abusers do re-offend multiple times! Most likely there are other victims in your family who haven't disclosed it or are in denial about it.

Your kids will be at risk if you stay, make no bones about it.

We owe no explanations. So, you don't have to tell your family if you're not ready to.

I disclosed to my family about the incest when I was in crisis, and it was a horrible situation. They were NOT supportive and I wasn't prepared to deal with their rejection and cruelty. So, I would seriously ask yourself if you are prepared to deal with your family's response, whether it is supportive or not. If the answer is no, then perhaps you can just make your excuses. Say you're sick and have to go home.

Are you getting some counselling? I hope so, because I know how devastating these flashbacks can be.

You take care of yourself...and remember, you have done nothing wrong.

OK. Yes I am getting counseling. This guy is very much perverted, probaly an offender hes an asshole. Hes gone through a divorce and the family feels bad for him. Gimme a break!! If they only knew! Im not trying to tell them or get sympathy, be embarrassed, or any of the feelings or drama that come along with telling the big family secret! Mom and gramma are controlling and are gonna be pissed that me and my kids arent thayrer for thanksgiving. Hes staying till Dec. # Why is he coming and for so long? And will he figure it out when I m not there? Excuse me but what an ASShole!!

Sorry, Hes staying 2 weeks, till dec. 3. Im definetly going to be gone for part of the time. But I have a life. And i only live 20 min. from where hes staying and my moms the type to stop by with him!!!

That would be really awkward. I wouldn't answer the door, to be truthful. I'd pretend I wasn't home or didn't hear the doorbell.

I agree with bato - don't answer the door - or if you feel brave - answer the door and tell them you are busy. We really do not owe anyone an explanation for anything when it comes to protecting our kids or ourselves. If they do not understand they need to deal with that. I have spent a life time explaining myself - I have stopped for the most part and the interesting thing is that people don't seem to notice a difference. I think often, if we start explaining, we are putting ourselves in a victim mode - I don't know how else to describe this - but that is my experience. Just say no - I'm busy - I have other plans - I cannot do that now. You have the right to say those things to anyone without explaining further. Believe it or not - they usually accept that.

My mom just told the rest of my family last wk. that my older cousin abused me when I was 8 and they are on my side. I have not had to face him yet since the cats been let out of the bag so to speak so I don't know for sure how I will react. I know in the past I have avoided him and the family always asked what was wrong with us and I never gave them an answer. Well now they know so their will never be that question again. My family has disowned him as of last wk. so maybe I won't have to see him again. Time will tell. I hope and pray that you will eventually get the support of your family I have but I know every family is different and it's not always the norm. for familys to be supportive right away. I count my blessings thats for sure.

This is "do as I say, not as I do" advice because I'd most likely hightail it out of town too. But it was the first thing that popped into my head, so here's my suggestion.

If you don't want to tell your family about the abuse AND you still want to join them for the holiday celebrations ... then you could make your cousin cancel.

Call him and tell him that you remember what he did to you and that you're not going to keep quite anymore (he doesn't have to know you won't tell anyone). Tell him that if he comes, you'll tell the whole family. Inform him he needs to make up a good excuse to NOT be there and NOT to come. Family celebrations are for loved ones ... and he's not welcome.

You can also write it in a letter if you don't want to speak to him directly. Make him own the shame for what he did ... you shouldn't have to!

I like the idea of telling him to stay away. What kind of person is he? Could he be dangerous? I guess what I'm trying to state is that he could be unpredictable, so, be careful about confronting him until you have a support network in place.

Have you considered telling the police and looking into having him charged? This is an option, if you think you can handle it.

I guess the most important thing here is to...as others have said...not carry his shame.

I've been in this same situation. I was raped by an older cousin as well. The only difference is I finally pressed charges and the whole family hates me, not to sound discouraging.

I did, however, have to see him recently because my grandmother passed away. It was extremely hard to see him and know that he was there and most likely watching me. It made the situation a thousand times worse. If you can avoid it, the I'd do so.

Im going to sound like the bad one regardless, my grandma is so excited for him to come down. If he said he wasnt and then had to make some excuse or said because of me. And the tickets are baught, not that I care about his loss or anything, Im not sure how this is all gonna go down. We are going to get to get together for my bday on the Sun before he comes.(Just me and the fam not him) They are trying to pin me down to all kind of things like going to the zoo with the kids. I refuse to see him. I will leave. Untill the I have not been able to eat or sleep Im so glad I can see a counselor. Im a mess. Im compulsive about working out. I guess I could lose about 7 more pounds! this is controlling my thoughts. I hate it.

go to your families before he gets there or after he leaves. but don't put yourself out. have you told anyone in your family about this? You can always get the sudden flu that will keep him away from you and a nice big sneeze on his food will do the job. or spit in his drink when he is not looking.

Hey brknhart, I am sorry you are going through this. You can't think how bad this will make you look. You are not responsible for how other people feel. You have to take care of yourself, what's best for you. This is difficult stuff to deal with. Stay strong.

I know you guys are right. love the idea about spitting in his food. Id like to do alot worse!! No none of my family knows that I no of. I do have younger cousins. How do I know it didnt happen to. However I was closer in age he is 5 yrs older and my mom took him in alot. How could she not know?? Lots of ques. on my part. Sorry Im getting sidetracked, part of my personality. Thank all of you for being so caring here!

I know you guys are right. love the idea about spitting in his food. Id like to do alot worse!! No none of my family knows that I no of. I do have younger cousins. How do I know it didnt happen to. However I was closer in age he is 5 yrs older and my mom took him in alot. How could she not know?? Lots of ques. on my part. Sorry Im getting sidetracked, part of my personality. Thank all of you for being so caring here!