I really need to find a way to deal with all the memories that are coming at me lately, and i have to find a way that won't kill me. i drink, which is dangerous because i'm on medication, one or two drinks is one thing but just today i have gone through almost an entire 12 pack of Smirnoff, i'm basically flirting with death with that much alcohol, and cutting, and drugs, i go to the extremes with all of them. i don't really have any good coping mechanisms that actually work, i love to write, but it doesn't help enough, sometimes it just makes things worse, i used to exercise a lot, but i even took that to the extreme, i did it obsessively to the point that i hurt myself. plus my asthma makes it extremely difficult. so what other kinds of things can i do instead of the destructive things? i guess i just feel like i'm not equipped to handle all the memories that are being thrown at me right now and it is driving me to the edge, i'm severely depressed and i'm just tired of everything, tired of fighting. i just want to quit sometimes.

casey