I feel like a stupid child who should have the emotional strength to just get over it. But I am still racked by uncontrolable feelings of guilt, shame, self-loathing and hate. I want to take him and beat him until every ounce of pain his actions put me through are repaid in full, but I know that I shouldn't think things like that. Hating him is more detrimental to me than it could ever be to him. When I look in the mirror all I see is this disgusting person who was too pathetic to help herself, I should be stronger than this. My family has no idea I feel this way, no one but my boyfriend does and he doesn't know what to do with me. He tries so hard to help and I just find myself pushing him away. Someone finally loves me when I can't even love myself and I'm pushing them away.
After nine years, half of my life, I thought I had the majority of my issues under control at least I could talk to a male stranger with going through a mini-panic attack, but then we had to go and invite my demons to dinner. My cousin is coming for Christmas. I'm going to see him again after six years and I'm scared to death. I was sexually abused by my older cousin the summer before I turned ten and I don't know what to do. I don't think I can handle going home for winter break knowing he'll soon be there.