I was nine years old when it started happening. my mom decided to hire someone to clean our house, so she hired a man and his wife to do it. his daughter would come over too, so I would play with her while they were busy.
I was embarassed that people came to do this--I was raised cleaning my own room, making my own bed, keeping my own things neat, so I told them to not ever do my room. one day, I went in there, and the man was in there anyway. I don't exactly remember what happened the first time, or the second time, or all the times for three years. I remember that he used to corner me and grab me while my parents were out, and make me do things. One day he almost pulled me into his car, I don't know where he would have taken me.
It stopped when I was 12, because I told my family. My parents split up and I moved in with my mom. When I was 15 I went to visit my father, and the man was still working for him. He cornered me again, in our living room, but my father walked in. Three years after I told my family what happened, he was finally fired.
I wonder all the time if I did enough. What if he was raping his daughter, my friend?
My junior year of high school I went to a party. I had quite the reputation--after being sexually abused, I reacted in a way that I think lots do. I started not caring about my actions, and getting involved with a lot of guys, never seeing them again, never caring, nothing.
At the party my junior year, a friend of mine tried to rape me. He held me down, ripped my shirt, grabbed my throat, and wouldn't get off of me. He shoved his hand down my pants, and was about to start, when I finally got him off.
It was what happened during this that scared me the most. I remember having a completely sober, conscious thought, a thought that said I was a woman, and I would never be able to stop anyone from taking from me whatever it is that they wanted. I wasn't as strong, and I just couldn't stop them. I was willing to give in, I didn't even care anymore.
In a lot of ways, over the years, I separated myself from my body. I would let people do what they want, and I would just block it out. Now, I get so scared around men. I get scared if I begin to care about them. I get scared if they seem to care about me. I don't even know how to begin dealing with it.
I know I have trust issues from this, as everyone does, but I don't want to go to therapy and talk to someone. Every time I have, it's been a man, and he's been innapropriate. I'm just done with it.