My husband is currently in the military and currently overseas. Since his departure (3 years ago) I have lived with my mother. We bought a house last year and now my mother lives with us. I have tried numerous times with my mother just hoping she would talk to me about all of the abuse and such. Now living with her sometimes triggers flashbacks, recently this occurs almost daily. I love her on one hand and absolutely despise her on the other. Then I feel guilty for hating her. My father was the abuser (sexually anyway) but I also feel like she participated. We fight among ourselves quite often and I find the more memories that get triggered the more I can't stand her. I have tried so many times to get my husband to just listen to me. I have asked friends to just listen to me. I need help. I am so angry and so hurt and so frustrated because it seems like even years later nobody will talk to me about it. THey just say get over it. Well I can't without help if I could believe me I would do they actually think we enjoy feeling this way? I feel like a volcano ready to erupt and not one person in my life will help. I have been begging people to just listen to me let me get some of this anger out. Not one person in my family or friend network will do it. Including my own husband? What's wrong with me? Do you have to attempt suicide to get help? (I AM IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM SUICIDAL, I wouldn't mind if the good Lord struck me dead but I am not going to be the one to do it. ) I feel desperate, needy, why is this so tabu to discuss? I just want to get better. I get so angry and blow up at everyone for no reason. When I ask them for help telling them why I am so angry (trust me living with my mother has not been a good expeirience.) I thought living with her would allow us to become closer. I have just come to accept that she will never be the mother I want. So stop trying, she will not change. My mother has always been more concerned with her men than she was with her child. I just got in the way. She actually told me that I screwed up all her relationships in her life, and I must have enjoyed it cause I didn't say anything. I WAS 10 years old for Goodness sake? Is it really this hard to find someone to just hold you let you get angry and listen to you? I feel if I could just let it all out I would feel at least a little bit better. Do we really have to depend on strangers to help us rather than our own families including spouses? I thought for sure I could have at least found one person in my friends and family that would listen. One friend told me that she was sorry what I had to go through but by talking about it I was making her live it too? And that was not okay. (I wasn't trying to hurt her or make her live it with me. Shouldn't we be able to talk to at least our spouses? I just feel like there is not one person out there willing to help. It is frustrating and it hurts which makes me angry. I am just lost. Any advice. I know you people will at least hear me out. I just find it very hurtful that the people who are supposed to love you the most take off when the going gets tough.