I have been with my partne living together for over 2 years. He wanks or use to wank in the bath from day one. He told me. I wank frequently and have porn. When i ask him for sex and he says no i go down stairs and put on a porn with him upstairs. He goes mad and says i am disgusting etc etc i say well you should be ashamed of your self your the one leaving me desperate. Would you reather me have an affair.

i was raised to believe sex out of marriage and porn, mastubation is wrong well i have done everyone of them and felt guilt for having sex out side of marriage at first for say a year then after that it was fun fun fun.

If you have a partner and they want sex porn and wanking is a poor substitute Because thats what it is in a good relationship I would want my partners body lot more than porn or pardon me my right hand.

You are reacting so badly to it because it is a violation of your relationship. He is, in effect, cheating on you with porn. He is taking another lover and replacing you with it.
How would you react if he was sleeping iwth other people? Wouldn't you feel the same way? Wouldn't you be hurt, angry, confused, etc. by his infidelity? Porn is no different. It is still cheating on you. It is still a problem because it takes away from the intimacy of your relationship with him.
Jag, it's not just about "wanking" being a poor substitute for sex with a living, breathing person, it is about letting porn and masturbation take over a normal, healthy relationship. Any time porn, masturbation, or even sexual thoughts damage a relationship between two people, it is a problem and it needs to be dealt with . Addicts don't think about it as cheating, or about masturbating as a subststute. Addicts are out of control of their actions, hence the addiction. The only way an addict will ever stop is by realizing that they have lost control and are powerless to stop doing it. Until then, I am afraid that the addiction will always come first.

my fiance was a porn addict. i felt some of the same things your talking about here...
for me, i have learned that. if it hurts me, and bothers me i do have a say in it. because for me, a relationship is two ppl, a team...and if we can't work as a team then we're better off not together. So yeah, who am i to say he shouldn't do these things if he wants to? I left him with that thinking, and i still believe he should do as he wishes, i just want to part of it.

this is only my personal choice, everyone is different. But this is a choice that i believe has been good for me.

i hope that you find peace with this issue, in what ever you decide. You deserve good things in life, and happiness.

*i just want no part of it

I felt like you too, for a long time, until my STBX hid a camera in our house and videod me... I am probably somewhere out there on the internet, but I will never know. If it goes on too long, this could happen to you too, or your friends and others who visit your home. Robert and JNDOE are correct - even if you try to believe that it WON'T effect you (I remember trying to think that), eventually it will destroy you, as well as him.

I didn't find the link as helpful in terms of objectivity...thus no better than Oprah and Dr. Phill.

I was bemused by your second paragraph. I used the same arguments and logic. I was successful in getting my wife to see it as "her" problem....not mine (for a while anyway). I was just more "liberated", she too provincial ...her "insecurities" didn't get to automatically define the relationship, she was trying to control me etc etc. Maybe that's not what's happening with you but boy it sounds familiar. I can tell you this, it was all BS. I wasn't liberated, far from it...I was in a prison of my own device. Unfortunately, i had to lose my marriage and another significant relationship before I woke up. She wasn't telling me what I "should" do, she was telling me what she could and couldn't accept in her definition of love and intimacy...I didn't have to agree and in the end I didn't. Turns out she had good right to think my porn usage was a threat to our relationship... sadly when the marriage ended, I was successful in using the twisted logic of an addict to make the failure more about her being controlling and insecure than anything I was doing. I see the world differently now. I think those living with porn addicts should be threatened. I now believe "porn" and love/intimacy are mutually exclusive. They cannot co-exist in the same sentence. Not having "porn" in the equation for love and intimacy doesn't mean the person is "insecure", "old fashioned" or "controlling" in fact, as I see it now...it's the healthy and natural response.
Just one mans opinion.....and I'm sticking to it...LOL

Thanks for your replies..
I am not making excuses for my boyfriend. He had been alone for many years before we were together. So I guess he had the habit to masturbate alot with porn. Five years before I met him, he had stopped paying for sites on the internet.

Our sexuality was not doing good after a few months in the relationship.. I therefore approached him with the porn issue.. I had my doubts.. He lied and lied and finally decided to talk to me. Since then, we went through rough times, but since three weeks, our sexuality is much better and our relationship is stronger. More intimacy, more closeness and more fun sex. More compliments.. which makes me more confident to approach him.

However, I wonder.. Is porn addiction a bit like alcoholism.. In the sense that with moderation, it makes no harm ? Is it when it makes sexuality almost non-existant with your loved one that it becomes a problem ?

Do you find it a problem if a person watches porn from time to time .. when it does not affect the relationship you are in ? Because it seems like my boyfriend has decided to be very present sexually with me, affectionate also.. But I am sure that if I'm away, he might enjoy watching porn.. Is it necessarily "porn addiction" ?

From what I understand from "RoberT.." it seems like when the porn is controlling the man's sexual life, that is when there is a problem with addiction.. But as I understand it, a man who enjoys watching porn once in a while does not mean there is a sexual problem in the relationship.

If my boyfriend keeps being like he is with me at this time - We have sex regularly for one thing.. and I feel he is expressing his masculinity with me (not with porn), and I am expressing my feminity with him.. which makes our relationship much more vivid and passionate... I don't see a problem with him watching porn once in a while.. giving you a number (let's say once a week).. which I call it "moderately".

I hope we are on the right track. I am sure that he made a decision that makes him much happier.. and me first. We have been together for 2 yrs and a half and I feel we are just starting to be "loving" in all ways. He gets more respect from me because he respects me more.

marelly,
If it has no longer become a problem between you, then it becomes a matter of morals and what you can live with. If you're Ok with it, that's between the two of you. All I would say is to use caution and proceed carefully. Porn addiction is an ugly animal that will bite the hand that feeds it.
Be careful!

Robertbishop,
Thank you for your comment. I will be careful but I also have to work on my trust in my boyfriend. He is really trying to change things.

When I leave the house, I don't feel entirely free.. I often think that he chooses to watch.. but when I come back home and feel his presence and his affection.. I think.. well if he did.. it can't be that bad. And when he makes love to me the same night (that i have been out of the house) I see it as a sign that I must trust him - that he is "working" on us. Before, he would never have sex with me if he had watched porn - He had no interest.

He is a man in control in general. No drugs, no alcohol, no rage, but as he said, "I liked watching porn just like some men like to watch cars when they have nothing to do".

About morals, I am a bit confused these days.. Sometimes, I think it's ok.. as long as he lives his sexuality with me also.. and other times, I feel that if he still watches porn, he is not in a relationship with me.

This seems like a subject that i'm well suited to answer. I'm addicted to sex ,porn ,masturbation, etc. I have been like this from as long as i can remember. Hell ,i don't clearly remember my first kiss as much as i remember the first time i satisfied myself to orgasm. All i know is that it felt good so i continued to do it. it has never hurt anyone in my life that i do it. I make sure that i had complete privacy and time and now that i have kids ,it's not done while they are in the home and they have zero access to my porn. My wife knows i do it, i have told her and she knows where my collection is. Hell, she even knows when i do it and i have told her WHY i do it. I've even been honest when she asked me if it was her i fantasize about and i told her not every time. I forget who said it on here , but i also asked her if she would rather that i have an affair and that i only use it when she doesn't want to have sex , like when she's on her period for instance. I'm a trucker and i told her that i also do it while i'm on the road. She knows very well that when she DOES want to have sex , i am there in half a heartbeat !! But when she is not ,i do what i need to do. It's only a problem if you do use it INSTEAD of actual sex with your mate. As far as comparing it to alcoholism....in my opinion that's ridiculous. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I have drank since i was 16. )I have one dui to my record and countless times when i couldn't remember how i got home, who i slept with ,etc. I have been jerking off since i was 13 and it has never affected my driving, ended a relationship ,given me a headache, etc. But like i said in another thread ,it's only a problem if it's kept hidden and it's used INSTEAD of intimacy with ur partner ,it keeps you from or affects ur work ,family life ,etc. Again , just my opinion.

Marelly you talk a lot of sense in a non judgemental. practical and pragmatic.