answer to the last question: who the hell knows what is a happy relationship? is it one where you don't feel like you have to look perfect to get your morning coffee at the wawa cuz you don't care if you catch some random person's eye? if that's the case, then i've had only one "happy" relationship and he dumped me flat.

DuckandCover,
I guess the simple answer to your last question is when you have found someone with whom you are comfortable enough with to tell them anything and share everything with. One who makes you feel great morning, noon, and night.
As far as the porn concerns, it sounds like more of an issue with wanting gratification more than a relationship. Porn, hookers, "fuck buddies", whatever the term you use, it all leads back to one thing: no committments. The guilt? Probably something that was drilled into you at a younger age about how "bad" you are by doing it. Are you a religious or a spiritual person? That might explain a lot of the guilt.
I know that, for me, porn became an obsession because I didn't feel like I could ever get enough sex. Even after 16 years of marriage, I wasn't getting enough, and we had sex regularly. If I'd had a bad day at work, or we had a fight, or the bills were too high, I used porn as a way of making it all "better". When I was done, I felt terrible, but then I'd do it again the next time, and feel worse. Pretty soon I was feeling so bad that I could use porn and feel so bad I would do it again. It became an all-consuming obsession that almost took everything and everyone away.
You have to decide what is so important about porn. Are there other ways to "medicate" than using porn to feel better?
You have to decide what is important to you in life, my friend. Porn and hookers or finding that one special someone to share your life with.

Happy relationship is different for everyone - but what you are describing is not a relationship. It is just sex. Sex with talking is still sex - not a relationship. In a relationship there are 2 people getting their needs met - not just one.

The question is: Why do you want no strings attached?

Wouldn't you rather have a friend to talk to and interact with instead of going to your computer to look at porn because you aren't happy?

Based on what I've learned about psychology while dealing with this same issue myself... here are some questions that you don't have to answer :) :
Do you feel that you are unworthy to have a relationship because nobody would want you if they knew the real you? Do you have that "toxic shame" feeling about yourself somewhere down deep in your psychology (parents are really good at screwing their kids up, BTW).

Or have you simply had bad relationships so that you don't want another?

Being single again, my porn collection definetely has it's place. I have had my share of partners since my seperation and i simply use it as a tool (no pun intended) to self release and have pleasure when a partner isn't available. It's perfectly healthy. Sure, everyone here SHOULD know that if your watching porn while you're working or INSTEAD of work or around kids, etc, then you got issues.

As for relationships...that is completely up to you to decide what you do or don't want. Like i said, i just left the stbx in May and have enjoyed 8 seperate partners since (safely of course). Am i looking for Mrs. Right ? Well, if she happens to show up and we click, then so be it. If not, then Mrs. Right Now has been great. I have had friends with benefits and they are great, if that's what you're looking for and know what you're doing.

You also don't have to pay for hookers to get uncommitted sex when you need it. Go to craigslist.com and check the personals for casual encounters with D&D (drug and disease free) people just like yourself. It's called NSA (no strings attached)

In the end, it's simply realizing what you want to do and then enjoy doing it

Even though this thread is over a year old, I'd like to chime in on this one too.

Robert, I have felt like you felt before. For me, I believe the root of it was not that my ex was not a good relationship, it was. For me, the root of the problem was that I was unhappy in my job and marriage and didn't do anything about it until it was over. I don't regret my marriage, and I still consider it a successful relationship, even though we are no longer married.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. And while I think anything can be abused to aid escape, I think the escape is a symptom of the underlying problem. I'm trying to be completely honest with myself and others about who and what I am. And hopefully someday I will find someone with whom I can have a great, healthy relationship.

Good Luck to all of us!

sax

longhaul who are these crazy women that are so far in the fox hole that they need YOU to save them from their sexual listlessness! sounds pretty desperate to me, and skanky too! you always have interesting things to say most of it is antagonistic and sarcastic, but on the sleeze end of things you know your ish! whether that is something to be proud of i guess is between you and God. but honestly you like to be real and you want others to return the favor,,,, so hear it is,,, i think your insecurities know no ends, i think you are heavily compensating whether that be in the plumbing department or just emotional/psychological or both who knows all i know is what ever you are feeling or trying not to feel, well... we all see it and we all have your number so i dont know if it is as obvious to you as it is to those around you in here but you have a problem a big one and im willing to bet youve spent so much time covering it you dont even remember the initial impulse to do so, look in the mirror and figure it out, because coming here and giving sex addicts a tool to release and manifest their problems further is pretty shady!

Like i've said before here Mcfly, if you don't like an opinion, don't read it. However, don't hate just because i'm perfectly secure with my sex life. I was offering the man some opinions. I make no apologies for me sex life either. I'm seperated, and therefore enjoying my own sexual freedoms. It's done safely and noone is hurt or disrescpected. As we say in the healthy sex forum, just cause it's not something you would do doesn'tmake it wrong. A woman wanting healthy, casua , uncommited and safe sex is not a slut or a whore or desperate...they are an adult, and the same goes for a man. My children or family are in no way involved nor are the womens' children or family. As for my insecurities about my "plumbing" or other inadequecies, well, i've been on this earth for 37 years hon and have been exposed to sex for more than 20 of those years. My family taught me right from wrong in that arena and when i came of age, i was free to explore my own desires, which i did, again, safely and have never made an enemy thru a liason. Was i giving Duckandcover a release ? Yes, i was. I was giving him OPTIONS. I've been where he is, somewhere looking at an attractive woman and while she may want more, he is just looking for sex. He first has to decide if he wants just the sex or to be in a relationship with a compatible partner, for example, someone with his same drive. When i left my stbx, i was finally able to explore my needs and desires and i did that AFTER we split. I made a decision for myself

Hit the wrong button. But in the end what i was rtying to say is that people need to know their options and if he decides that casual and safe uncommitted sex (providing he's not married) is perfectly healthy and there are people who simply want the same. OR i suggest he takes the time to look for a good long term match for himself.

Just funny how when a person sees a stong confident person they view them as insecure. Usually because they are themselves.

ha ha tushay, i guess!!! yes i have insecurities some can be my own problems and others created by those around me but i believe i deal with them in a healthy manner. im just saying a sex addict im sure knows their sexual options, i thought people were here to get away from that addiction why would you help give options to send them further into their issues! you dont tell an alcoholic the best liquor store to hit up? or maybe you do! im just not one for the aiding in causing someone to stumble back into their distructive behavior!

Duck and cover, I wanted to say that NSA sex is a lot like masturbating to porn in the fact that is void of real intimacy. Aside from the fact its also much riskier, you must know that any partner you maybe able to meet and share your desire for wanting NSA sex only, will also likely be someone suffering on some level and acting out sexually to escape, their own internal pains. Being someone who has a problem with this for many years I can say that over time I started to entertain the ideas of looking for a NSA partner. Then I even started sending lame responses to some of the ads. "I have a wife at home but we're not having sex so yea this is the answer". That was my flawed thinking. Instead of getting to the root of our intimacy (or lack of) issue's, I was spending time and energy diverting it to fantasy and looking outside for what I thought I couldn't achieve at home.

I think you know this by what you posted but most likely you will still feel emptiness with a "friend with benefits". Real connection and satisfaction will come with healthy intimacy with someone who you find your actually do want to be around and the feeling returned. Years of porn use, rewires our brains and libido's to be lazy, impatient and selfish. It really is so easy to fire up the net or a movie and skip to the "hottest" part and get instant gratification. Compare that to meeting someone getting to know them on a personal level, and working the way through the natural courtship that occurs between two individuals attracted to another. Minutes compared to weeks or months (ouch!) even. It really isn't that surprising so many people fall into the Porn Trap. But imagine that feeling when shared after establishing a real connection with someone. You're not going to be looking for the quickest escape you're going to be soaking up the good feelings of sharing something special with someone special.

Maybe not the input you're looking for but I think it could be revalent considering how you currently feel about sexual activity and what you have used it for.

I disagree with you there big time obsessed. Porn does not rewire or desensitize you, if it does, then it's you. I've used porn since it was still only found on film rolls. To this day i still only use it for when there is no partner available and in no way do i ever expect my partners to either act or look like the actors in them. As for filling the emptiness....some people simply don't want a committed relationship and are happy with simple, casual sex. It doesn't sound like he's "addicted", which is a label that seems to be thrown around rather loosely. He may simply be horny and confused as to what he wants. In that case, then yes, i'm giving him options. Safe and healthy options.

So we disagree and thats fine. Thing is when I read what Duck and Cover has written in the original post he is using porn to "fix" something or fall asleep. He states he feels ashamed and this feeling fuels additional need for more. He's never had a good relationship he also wonders what a happy relationship is.

Its simply my belief that being exposed early on in life to porn and then the continued use throughout adolescenance and into adulthood can and will cause a disconnect when it comes to establishing healthy intimacy with a partner. This is not only my experience but well documented in many books about the issue.

"Addicted", "problems", "issues", "behaviors" what ever term you prefer to address this matter in. The fact is that when sex, whatever form, is being used to mask something, affirm someone's self-worth or causing shameful feelings then its going to cause unhealthy consequences and its a sign something is wrong on the inside.

I felt like D & C came here and posted for a reason an the discussion had gone away from that, maybe offering him a view point about what he feels would bring him back to it.

Maybe he also just hasn't found the right woman lol...may be something just as simple as that.