Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

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My husband is a porn addict AND gay? HELP ??!!!

I'm not sure if I'm at the right group but I really need help and can't process anything that's going on right now ):

My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. 2nd marriages for both of us and a blended family of 7 children. 5 are grown adults.

I first learned of my husband's addiction to porn about a year after being together. I was in shock and really didn't understand the dynamics of addiction at the time. It wasn't surfing for porn online....it was really hardcore porn sites that required money to be a member. He would go on one specific site where he could cybersex online and chat with the women, tell them what to do.

Once I found that, we had a long time and I bought the story of being curious.

A few years later, I found that he did it again. And then another year later.....same site and thousands of dollars later.

My newest discovery is that HE is now on sites where adults can entertain their fettishes and fantasies. There's so much more to this. When I found his profile ....and what he would like, want, willing to try or absolutely needed, he had filled out sections that he "HAD to have anal sex and had to give anal sex".....!!!! Some of the profiles that were added as ones he was interested in were men's profiles. Other ones were couples.....

The past 2 years my husband has slept in a different room from me. We've became friends more than anything but when I've tried to initiate sex or any intimacy between the 2 of us, I'm rejected with different excuses. The 3 times we've had sex in the last 2 years, have been different than normal for us. He seemed to have no interest in me or us being together, he seemed shy, reserved and def not interested in being with me.

Considering the last time I caught him with the porn, I did tell him that I couldn't deal with the addiction anymore and that he and we needed to get help. He refused and I've gone to counseling on my own ever since.

Now....2 days ago I see profiles that he's willing to participate in "anal sex" with men !!!??? I can't process this at all and nothing makes sense. It's hard enough to try to understand why he would turn me down for sex, sleep in a different room, and spend money watching porn of women online. It totally stripped me of my dignity, my self esteem and my self worth ): Completely !!!

I have no clue if he's gay or why he would entertain the thought of being with a man !!! Please help ! I'm so desperate and any advice or opinion would help ); Please !

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi, my story is quite similar to yours. My partner used to be an exhibitionist years ago but after being arrested twice he stopped the flashing and substituted it with phone sex. He has run up 1000's of pounds worth of phone bills and had numerous secret phones which I have found some of. I found out about it in the first 5months we were together but like you, did'nt realise he was addicted. He lied and squirmed his way out of it every time I caught him and it was only last year when I realised it was an addiction.
He too, progressed from phonesex with women to phonesex with men but he says he is not gay!
I think it i because they have gotten bored with women and want to try something more exciting and new. It is a progression of their addiction.
After the last time I caught him out, he promised he would do something about it but it has been 6 months now and he has not done anything at all to convince me he wants to stop. So now I am at the point where I don't know what to do for the best. Leave him or carry on as we are not communicating, silence and deceipt and me always worrying if he is up to something when I am on nightshift.
He also had an account with adultfriendfinder but swears blind it was only for phonesex but I am not convinced that he hasnt met up with someone for sex. He has lied so much I guess I will never know the whole truth.
Until your partner hits rock bottom, he is going to keep doing what he does. Nobody can make them stop this addiction, they have to want it themselves. Believe me, this has nothing to do with you, he was like it before you met and none of it is your fault. Remember that.
You can also get a lot of support from the group on here called Spouses of sex addicts. You will find this group very helpful. I hope things get better for you soon, you are not alone x
deleted_user
deleted_user

I've just found this passage in a book that may be of help.

"Mending A Shattered Heart" A guide for partners of sex addicts
By Stefanie Carnes Ph.D..............................


What does it mean when men seek sex with other men?

Page 163

Not all men who have sex with men are gay - in fact many or not. There are many reasons men have sex with other men, only some of which have anything to do with homosexuality or bisexuality. These men will be called SMSM ( Straight Men who have Sex with Men). Just because a man is sexual with the same gender, doesn't necessarily reflect sexual/romantic orientation. He can be hetrosexual and enjoy the act of sex with another man. There is a difference between sexual identity, orientation, fantasies and behaviour.
It's not up to a therapist or a spouse to make a judgement whether an individual is gay or bisexual - it is up to each man to identitify this for himself. Personal judgements and feelings too often enter into the marriage in a rush of reactivity and complicate the situation. What follows is men lying to and cheating on their wives rather than being able to talk it through. The shame of homosexuality causes these men to not even tell their therapists, so they work on it alone. Honoring the fact that this is an individual decision process is difficult for the spouse but is really the only course of action.

What is the difference?
There is a difference between sexual behaviour, sexual fantasy, sexual orientation, and gay preferences. How does one know ultimately whether he is hetrosexual, gay or bisexual, SMSM, or something else? Sexual preferences takes into account the desired actions and fantasies with a partner. Sexual orientation encompasses a sexual identity - with all the feelings, fantasies and emotions that excite us sexually. Thus, there is a distinct difference between a gay man and a 'male seeking male'.
A gay mans sexual orientation is characterised by lasting attraction to, romantic love of, and sexual attraction exclusively for his same gender. On the other hand, an SMSM might consider sex with a man for sexual gratification. But at the seashore, he would be ogling women. Most SMSM's are left in the cold, even turned off by images of naked men, but get sexually aroused by women.
These men typically want to bond with - and get affection from - other men. Their behaviour may also reflect a desire to experiment, or to express conflicts with their sexual feelings and desires, which have nothing to do with being gay.
deleted_user
deleted_user

@ TrinaOz...I appreciate the input but that sounds gay to me !!! Men having sex with Men is GAY ! Regardless, it's the fact that my husband is addicted to porn and interacting with men on porn sites. It started out with women and chat on webcams.

I will judge my husband and I'm not sure who the author is of this book but it's bad enough to try to comprehend WHY a husband would lie, betray and hurt his wife. Sabatoge his marriage, his children, spend thousands of dollars on porn when children should be eating. We went through that ordeal 4 different times when I caught him. Throw in gay porn and woooowwww.......that's a way totally different feeling.

I'm not text book material and I never claimed to have a cookie cutter marriage but since I caught my husband on porn the last time....we separated and now the gay porn, young guys ? Seems border line illegal to me. Enough is enough and I have 4 daughters of my own that I really want no where near my husband.

Therapy, couples counseling...everything. THis is no different than the cycle of abuse, they do it, they're caught, they make promises that they'll stop---never do it again.....and then the honeymoon phase where everything is sunshine and roses...and then they do it again. It's just a big circle and it's not a healthy marriage NOR a good example to set for my daughters to be around with such a dark and dirty side living a 2nd life that I'm not a part of.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I understand your anger and grief.....all common stages a spouse goes through when Sexual Addictions is playing havoc in their relationships.
Sadly SA is progressive which leads the addict to act out further each time to reach his sexual high. This has nothing to do with the partner. You are worthy and this will have happened whether you are a stunner or not. Again, i understand your angst.

It is a shame that you are not text book material because educating yourself against Sexual Addictions is one of the best tools you can have to help you heal from this trauma and help you recover from all of this. This has really helped me.

About the author......
Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D. is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an AAMFT approved supervisor. Her area of expertise includes working with patients and families struggling with multiple addictions such as sexual addiction, eating disorders and chemical dependency. Dr. Carnes is also a certified sex addiction therapist and supervisor, specializing in therapy for couples and families struggling with sexual addiction. She presents regularly at conferences at both the state and national levels. She is also the author of numerous publications including her new book, Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts.

Take care xxxx
deleted_user
deleted_user

@ TrinaOz....Sorry...to clarify, I meant not text book material meaning what you typed out of the book doesn't necessarily apply to all of us. I do read a lot of self help books and as the day has gone on....there's more to it.

Anger, betrayal, resentment, just to name a few. Now fear and panic as I find out more and start piecing things together thinking that I contracted a STD from my husband...maybe even HIV?

Honestly, my husband would have no reason to go outside of our marriage for sex as I was always a willing participant. Weather it's a man or woman, it would still be cheating. Plain and simple and like I said, this isn't the first time that I've unraveled the mystery of porn and him hiding everything. The gay porn ??? Totally different monster with totally different feelings.
ChooseThisDay
ChooseThisDay

I am not gay at all. I love, adore my wife, AND my primary acting out behavior is anonymous oral sex with men. The primary reason is the sexual abuse and porn I was exposed to as a child set up my addiction and arous template. I know so many addicts who have suffered through dealing with same sex issues who not only stopped these behaviors and saved their marriages.

I know this may not be something you can hear from a male sex addict, but God does not measure how "bad" certain behaviors are by how disturbing those behaviors are. In fact I have become so much less disturbed by others behaviors after recovery. The reason is that I do not have any stones to throw.

All of this is in no way to suggest that your feelings are not real, legitimate and accurate. They are yours they are important messages for you. And you must listen to them.

My message is that the solution to your relationship with your husband lies within you, not with him. If you want to hear the solution to your problems from someone more credible than me, read page 417 of the alcoholics anonymous big book.
wolfiepa
wolfiepa

angel,

You said, "Men having sex with Men is GAY !" I would like to interject here, to bring up a crucial fact, what I see here of your husband's behavior is one of escalation.

It happens when a form of sex addiction no longer pleases the addict, it escalates to reach the level of excitement, the previous ones did.

Now, while your husband is exhibiting gay behavior, and while he also states a preference for anal sex active (giving) and passive (receiving), those two factors do not mean he is gay.

I know lots of married and single men who would like their wives to partake in anal sex yet their partners either find it repulsive or simply do not care for it. Also, anal sex stimulates the prostate gland and enhances sexual pleasure which is probably why your husband is seeking it because as I stated, his addiction has escalated.

Now, if he were to tell you that he has fallen in love with a man and is wanting a divorce to set house with him, that's a different story. That may mean that he is gay or, at best, bisexual.

In other words, having sex with another man for the sex it does not mean he's gay. Being sexually and emotionally attracted to men since he is also married to you makes him, as I said, bisexual, at best.

Lastly, let me interject that his addiction has nothing to do with you. Your self-worth, dignity and self-esteem does not depend on what he does or does not do. It had to come from how you feel about yourself from within. Perhaps, a period of professional counseling may be in order for you to heal the wounds of your husband's betrayal.

Many hugs to you.
Wolf
deleted_user
deleted_user

My story is also similar. I have been in a relationship off and on, and about 6 months into the relationship I caught him on my computer sending messages to other men for oral sex. He is addicted to masterbating and online ads.. he goes to
therapy, but there has never been a long term solution to this. Its dangerous because at times, he will seek out young women. Some are addicts and he will trade his valium for sex. I am not having sex with him at this time, because he placed a CL ad saying he was going to start a hexad for sex partners and sent out my photo without my knowledge or consent. We spent a year apart because he went from person to person engaging in sex. Lately he does use a condom but also needs viagra because he cannot maintain a good erection during normal sex...he is too jaded....he is also well educated but unemployed. He pretends to be spiritual and is able to lure some women in that way ...I must love him since I stick around. We do not live together...this relationship sucks my energy many days
deleted_user
deleted_user

If I spent my time fantasizing about women and hoping to have sex with a woman, I would consider myself gay!~
Learningskills
Learningskills

Maybe using the term "gay" is inaccurate? However, using the term homosexual, or maybe bi-sexual, isn't?

Homosexual: someone who practices homosexuality; having a sexual attraction to persons of the same sex
sexually attracted to members of your own sex

I think one does have to have an attraction to same sex...to engage in same sex? So, it seems that "love" "gay" isn't the issue? Because the one engaging in the sex doesn't have to love to lust? But, infidelity is a problem in marriage...period. And, how one feels about sexuality personally comes into play. Sex with others outside marriage is the main issue, and then compounded by homosexuality, or bi-sexuality.

So, a person who is heterosexual has difficulty in accepting that their mate goes outside the marriage for "unloving" purely sexual activity "lust." And to add to that problem, is homosexual or bi-sexual by definition? Double the problem? There is NO way I can see that a homosexual, or bi-sexual person is going to be sexually satisfied in a heterosexual relationship? Or maybe any "relationship?" That's my "personal" feeling.

Thing is...that those practises are unsafe for the offensive partner, and unsafe for the injured mate too...both physically and emotionally. Also, we each embrace our own sexuality, our own beliefs, our own morals. And, when a partner dishonors those, there is only one who can decide what they want to to do about it. The person who is hurt by it. And whether or not one sin is worse than the other is in the eye, or feelings, of the beholder at that point? Life is for the living? Final judgement for the dead?

I can understand where it is FAR more difficult to accept homosexual behavior than heterosexual behavior. But, then, that' "my" personal feelings. And "I" am the "only" one who can decide how "I" feel about that. And only "I" can decide whether or not I want to be involved with someone...on any level at all who is either homosexual or bi-sexual...or for that matter....sharing sex at all.

So, I have to make decisions about the quality of "my" life. Is there some things in the relationship that are attractive to me personally? If so, what are they? And does that attractiveness outweigh my personal morals, values, and life satisfaction overall? For instance, I found that there was "nothing" attractive about living with a man who was attracted to men. I have no place in that scenario. So, I chose to divorce him. Probably the best decision for both? He didn't have to hide his attraction to men anymore. He could do as he wished without distraction. And, I didn't have to feel I was compromising my personal standards. A win...win.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I appreciate all of the advice and kind words. I'm still not able to grasp the entire situation. I was upset when my husband was online and using cyber-sex. The sites aren't cheap at all and while we lived comfortably, he always seemed to complain about money. We would cut back expenses and I have NO idea that we were cutting back expenses so he could continue his addiction and chat online.

I don't get it.....the past 2 years, he slept in a different room and always had some excuse, a lie, a story. I can see it now, but couldn't then. I just knew that I was lonely. He never wanted to get intimate with me and I was crushed. I had found out 4 different times that he was using cyber sex online and it has seem to escalate from him chatting to a girl and telling her what he wanted to watching couples online, men and boys. It's completely disgusting. Addiction or not........absolutely disgusting !!!!!!

I haven't been in the same home with him for about 8 months now and since my latest discovery over the weekend of viewing boys and men online, I can see how truly sick my husband is.

This isn't the same as picking up a playboy magazine and looking at centerfolds. This is cheating....to me. Cybersex is cheating and I have children that I won't allow around him right now. I could honestly say that the man I was with for years would never hurt my children but the thing is, I've lived with a total stranger for the past 2 years. Taking time to reflect, I guess there were red flags along with catching him cyber-sexing 3 times and he knew how I felt about it. Betrayed, sad, depressed, lonely, rejected, hurt, and cheated. He told me he loved me enough to respect how I felt about the porn sites and would stay off of them.

I still can't grasp the fact of him willing to participate and receive anal sex. I really can't. Again, it's cheating !!!! Going outside of our marriage to engage in sex with anybody is cheating.

I'm really struggling with the fact that my husband was willing to jeopardize our family, our children, our marriage and everything we had together so he could "get off" ?????

I've never claimed to understand addiction or anything about cyber sex and staring at a computer screen while a woman masturbates instead of being intimate with someone who truly loves you. A live person right next to you !!!!!!! Who shatters an entire family for their own pleasure ?????

Can someone help me come to terms with this ? If I stayed with him, I would be just as sick if not sicker than him and I'm not. Everything about this addiction is sick to me and I don't get it. My husband has put me through so much and is still doing it behind my back.

Even choosing to move on isn't helping. I have never hurt like this before. Honestly hurt ): and I don't know how to move on or if I'll ever trust anybody again );
deleted_user
deleted_user

I was devastated when i found out the things my h had been doing while acting out, just devastated. I felt so betrayed.
All the time he put into his activities, all the time hiding, lying and managing the activities....was time he was not putting into our marriage and family. I felt cheated and certainly felt i had been disrespected.
I was angry, i was mean, i was self imploding thinking i was at fault somehow or lacked something to make him not act out this way. I would bust him, have a shake down, shame him into not acting out again, he would suck up, be great for 3 for 6 months and things would start to go crap again. And that was our cycle for years.

The thing about porn, it is addictive. The imagery can flicker hundreds of visuals causing the brain to have a rush of dopamine chemicals over and over, all in one sitting. This rush is what the user gets addicted to, and goes in search of again and again to make themselves feel better. The problem is, over time the brain gets descentatized to what they are viewing, so while looking for their high they will move the goal posts and look at more and more riskier stuff. This is the escalation.
I believe your h has escalated over time.

Recovery can only be sought by the Sexual Addict if he is ready to admit he has a problem, is ready to release its hold over him, be ready to be honest about it, and be ready to face his demons.

It is clear your h has a problem, it is time for him to decide to stay in addiction or fight for recovery. He has to want to do it himself.

While he is acting out, he is not committing to your relationship and for your own mental sanity and physical health, then it is understandable you want to leave the situation.
If he finally admits he has a problem and wants to fight for recovery, then you have more of a choice to make regarding a future.

Now recovery is not an easy road and there is alot of hurt before healing can begin, for both of you....but it is possible. My h and i hit rock bottom and have been in recovery together since May 2008. There have been many ups and downs along the way....but possible.

Only you know what you have the strength to do, but for there to be a future he has to choose what he wants.
Educating myself on all this has helped me understand so much more, and has helped me equip myself with the knowledge and tools to heal and love again.

I hope you find healing and love again also.

Peace and strength xxxx
Learningskills
Learningskills

Angel: I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I lived in a situation like that and it's devastating. I tried so hard to understand what drove my Xh. I did come to understand the initial cause of it...the history. I understood the why. However, understanding his history had little affect on my personal feelings or my life. Like you, I found his behavior disgusting. And THAT was the only thing I could personally deal with...my feelings. I found that I was very unhappy living around him. I couldn't relax. I couldn't live that way. I had to do what was best for me. I came to the conclusion that I have only one life to live, and attempting to live it with something I found disgusting wasn't good for me at all. So, I quit trying to do what is impossible for me to do. I sent him on his way. I couldn't help him...though I tried for a while. I found like Trina said, that HE had to want to change his life. And, I also found that HE had no intention of doing that. He wanted to continue...so he would only lie. And, that left only my decision, about my life. I was ever so relieved when I was free of it...of his life...and his choices. I know what drove him...and what he struggled with...but it wasn't my history...and it wasn't my struggle...and there was nothing that "I" could do about that...ever.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I haven't read all the posts on here. But, from what I have seen and learned, a sex addict will do it with anything and anyone pretty much. Men or women. It is shocking, and I can't say for sure my husband has been with men, but i suspect he has done something. He says he is not gay, and is homophobic. But a guy that is an extreme homophobe tells me there are underlying issues there.

Blame it all on the parents. In my case I do. Bad childhood, and everyone pays for this.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Angeleyez- First off, It's okay to be disgusted. Sexual Addiction is disgusting. And if you haven't started your healing journey it is WAY too early or you to be able to separate your partner from his actions. That comes later.
I will agree with all of the others on here, acting out with men does not mean he is gay. Some SA's act out with men because it is easier access, and cheaper. Often it is reciprical and does not as many dangers as getting involved with a female. Another reason SA's act out with men is because they were abused as children by men. By acting out that cycle with a male as an adult they are now the one in power and it is a way for them to deal with the pain. And finally, the plain and simple fact is that SA is progressive. My H started out with porn and M. Then cyberchat/sex, porn and M. Then escortporn/cyberchat sex with escorts and M. Then on to the real deal. This took over many years. Finally the Escorts didn't do it anymore so he added the trying to trick the into getting it for free. IT's guaranteed it's going to progress, just to what and where if they don't stop...
Bottom line, you may think your first need is to grasp the entire situation but it's not. There isn't any way to understand what they are thinking because the addicts mind isn't rational. Instead I encourage you to shore up yourself! Work on your values and boundaries. Figure out what relationship if any you want to have with him. Help heal yourself because it will follow you if you don't! Have you read Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens? It is written to us, the disgusted ones. I wish you well, and hope that my words don't hurt - just wanted you to know it's not really about the male sex, or that you were available right there. He has an addiction, it's not rational!