Hi Gidzmo,

You are experiencing that awful shame cycle. Here is a link to resources:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-from-sex-and-love-addiction

I did porn and prostitutes. Everytime I acted out I felt awful and asked myself why on earth was I doing this? Towards the point where I hit rock bottom, I was thinking of how much better things would be if I died in a plane crash. No one would ever know about my activities. I had thoughts of "making it look like an accident." Had I not entered recovery, I'm sure I would have done something awful. The only thing that kept me alive were my kids. So I do now how it feels to think you deserve the pain.

Talking about this really does help, wether on this site or on a support group. I am going on 3 years sobriety now but it does not happen overnight.

Glad you are here and hang in there.


Soberone.

Welcome Gidzmo. Glad you are here as well.

Shame does come along with this addiction, like Sober said. And then usually, we just act out more to run from the awful feelings of shame and guilt. It's a vicious cycle.

Please don't hurt yourself though. You are in a good place here. Stay for awhile and check it out. Do some reading. There are people here that care. In time, you will see most of us have stories of shame and pain and acting out. And we all strive to get through this. You are not alone. And you are NOT a bad person. You can get to the bottom of why you are doing this.

(((HUG)))

Gidzmo,


Welcome to the group. As other pointed out, there is no reason why you should injure yourself. It's the nature of the cycle of porn which shows that it's done what it's supposed to do, making you feel awful about yourself and keep at it believing you'll eventually feel better, not even.

So now, you need to join a recovery program and follow it until you get the life back. Before you know it, you'll have it and never look back.

However, you also need to follow the suggestions of recovery and use the tools, they offer. Have faith that it will pass and with effort and determination, you will be free from porn.

Last but most important, I know you feel bad right now, but shame and guilt thrive on negativity and make matters worse. You need to dust yourself off and see yourself as a victor, not a victim and know that you are more than capable of overcoming this addiction.

You are not the first or the last. Many of us have been where you are right now and are enjoying the fruits of our work towards sobriety. Love yourself but do not ever hurt yourself, there no reason for it.

There is more to this addiction than what I wrote but I feel that at time, you need to get a grip on yourself and see that all those bad feelings are just that feelings and they say absolutely nothing about you or even who you really are. They are just thoughts, and those too can be changed. Take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Wolf

Gidzmo it is terrible that you were raped. I was to. I understand shame and guilt. I also understand wanting to be loved and looking for love in all the wrong places. Lots of people watch porn some have an addiction to it and some don't. If watching porn makes you feel bad about yourself than don't watch it. Porn doesn't control you it is how you think about porn and when you let it have the power to make you feel bad about yourself that it becomes a serious problem.

What I want to say to you is are you sure you are directing your anger to the right place? Why are you angry with yourself? You were a victim and you were taken advantage of. That is no reason for you to be ashamed of yourself and angry with yourself.

You know there are 2 sides to the porn industry. On one side you have people that are raped and taken advantage of while the camera is rolling that are humiliated and degraded for money. On the other side you have consenting adults that do sexual acts on camera for money. That get paid to entertain people.

Watching porn doesn't make you a bad person that is deserving of pain. Are there better things that you could be spending your time watching? of course there are. It is good that you are reaching out for help. I am here for you. Healing and Hope Hugs...Art

Shame is not helpful - guilt might be a little helpful, but I suggest you focus on the cause of your acting out, whatever the cause is. A trained counselor in sexual obsession is your best bet, IMO.

I believe that women who were raped in early years are more likely to be raped as an adult, which is particularly sad. Perhaps you would feel more secure if you took some martial arts classes...

You want to be loved... I completely support you and wish you the best with that. Love is a basic human need and a right. Please try to find a suitable partner, not a fellow addict.

Perhaps there is a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) group in your area. I found SLAA helps me a lot in dealing with my obsessive behavior.

Best wishes - be strong!

Bos--you're somewhat right about the adult rape issue. I'm not ready to talk about that yet, though.

I did take some self-defense classes after I was attacked and learned some self-defense in high school. However, at the time of the attack, the mind worked and the body didn't (I froze).

I'm looking into the group, but I'm not currently in a relationship.

Sliding backwards...as Soberone mentioned, acting out and wondering why I'm doing it. I no sooner realize that I have a problem than I'm feeding the energy creature.

I don't need to be heading down this path again....

Noticed that what I am dealing with is more computer-based. Online, not the usual form of the problem.