Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
My husband cheated on me and in looking back at our 12 years together I can't help but wonder if I made this possible or not. We met when we were both young and as most of you know some young women can be demanding and overbearing. I grew up and grew out of that a long time ago. I became the wife who understands that a man needs his "man" time.....playing poker...going out for a few....spending man time with your friend. I don't always have to tag along when he goes out or call the bar and check up on him. All I ever asked was that he let me know if he was going to be out late...so if I woke up and he wasn't home I would not worry about his safety. Which by the way was not always done, because he would conviently forget. About 6 weeks or so into our relationship, I found his box of porn and forgave him. I myself enjoy looking at it or watching it once in awhile. A year or so later I heard the rumors of hime cheating and confronted him only to hear ...I did not..and believed him. A few years later I found him chatting with women on-line and confronted him. He denied it untill he found out I had proof, then apologized and said...I don't know why and I won't do it again. A few years after that I found some more chatting and pictures being exchanged...with the same excuses. A year or so later I found out about his phone sex partner and the same results followed from both of us. A year later I found out he made out with one of our friends after a night of drinking....again the same thing. The final straw for me was that I found out about an affair he was having. He denied it untill faced with the fact that I had proof. This is where we are now. My question is did I allow this to happen by forgiving him. He has told me he has a addiction to sex in alot of different forms. So is it possible for a person to learn to control this addiction or am I just kidding myself? Please be honest!
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A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
I also forgave my h after each discretion, not knowing to power of SA/PA, and he meant his apology, he just lack the education each time to fight it. My h's addiction also escalated over time.
Your forgiveness did not allow him to continue, he just lack to skills to fight this on his own. You can't just turn it off, it takes much work.
Firstly you both need to educate yourselves on SA/PA, is there a support group he and/or you can attend or therapy. He needs to learn why he seeks this kind of behaviour, he also needs to learn the triggers that urge him to act on SA, and he needs a plan for when the urges to hit, so to fight it.
It is possible to fight this, if he is ready to stand up and fight this. He has to be ready to let it go, not even hold onto a little bit. It will be tough, but achievable. My h hit real recovery in May 08, it has been hard but worth it.
Now if you need some extra support for yourself, there is a Spouse Of Sexaholics group for you here at DS too. Many others spouses like us going thru similiar things.
Best of luck, and be strong.
Here is an example. You process through the betrayal of him masturbating to pornography. But you are not completely committed to the fact that porn is very districtive to true intimacy. So your willingness or better said your acceptance of that behavior as OK, leaves the door open in your relationship to tolerate pron. Well take it from a recovering SA, porn is not good for anyone. From a spiritual perspective, porn incites lust which turns us inward into our own fantasy which seperates us from the true reality of our selves, or relationships and especially our sexual relationships with our wives.
If you are not a sex addict yourself, then you will proably have no problem putting down porn forever, and expecting and supporting his avoidance of it as well. This "leaving the door open" for him allows a great deal of insane rationalization to keep him trapped in his addiction. The cycle of addiction will always escalate farther. This is because of the brain chemistry (not the morality) behind the addiction.
So, please do not accept the insidious lie that your forgiveness allowed his addiction to progress. Other elements that you bring to the table like denial, the lack of ability or compassion for yourself and him to set and enforce boundaries, and your lack of education about the addictive process helped enable and support BUT DID NOT CAUSE his addiction to progress. His addiction was there long before you were. Your job is your recovery as a co-addict and to decide if you want to stay in the relationship and if so, what the boundaries that will have to be followed in order for you to do so.
My personal belief is that divorce is never what God wants, but if you can not soften your heart to HIM then it is permissable in the case of sexual immorality (or adultry), (Matt 19) But it has also been my experience that if you truly learn to depend on him for your needs, he will show up with healing and true freedom from this insidious painful addiction, for both you and your husband. This is because he is far more committed to your marriage than you or your husband are.
Hope some of what I said helps.
Last thing,
I read a survey of 250 or so wives of Sex addicts and this is what they said helped in order of how many used each.
1. Reading about sex addiction, recovery and communication.
2. Confiding in close family members.
3. Private therapy.
4. Couples therapy.
5. Prayer
6. Support Groups.
I would move prayer up on the list. I find it hard to believe that most women going through something like this with their Husband does not spend at least a little time praying "God help me, why is this happening to me." So I would say God answers those "quickie" prayers by putting good books, and trusted family in the path of those women."
Not trying to proslatize, just telling you what I have experienced.
The second stage is a distancing stage. During this stage you will notice that your SO will want to be by themselves more. During this stage you will see men escalate to verbal stimulation or other types of interpersonal relationship through communication with other people. The verbal stimulation usually comes through phone interaction. The other communications are going to be through chatting or video chatting. Both of this types of stimuli are usually attached to the masturbatory release.
You can see that porn is a base for other types of stimuli and is completely unhealthy and not fit for human consumption.
If youve read anything that I posted on this bored or any others previously. You will see that I always have to introduce the only factor that is helping me to fight this problem myself is my faith in God. God sent his Son to this earth so that we can be free from sin. This is sin and because Jesus already died to forgive of this sin, we can defeat this and go on to have healthy relationships and marriages.
The first step in this is to ask Jesus to forgive us our sins and to come into our hearts and lives and begin a personal relationship with Him. If we ask he will do it. This will put you a path of richness of life and enjoyment like none other.