I think the answer to your question lies in whether your husband will admit that he has a problem or not. Seems like those on this message board who are trying to work through the problem (and admit they have one) are a different breed than my STBX, who still maintains that he doesn't have a problem even though he is under investigation by the police right now! If he won't admit it and get help, then get out and don't waste the rest of your life like I did!

man i dont know what i would do if my husband didnt amit to having a problem,you must be hurting bad right know,frist thing dont blame yourself,i feel if you told him that you cant do this no more he might wake up and if he dont you can not go threw life like this there is so much more to life than this.please seek help yourself,you have to talk to someone that you can trust. ill pray for you.

I'm not giving advice but I think I can relate to your hubby.

I'm new to this forum but I've been looking at porn online ever sense I was about 15. I've been, ( this is embarassing to admit ) been masterbating since I was about 12-13 y/o.

Me personally, even if I had a g/f, I would most likely continue to look at porn even after we get together.

If he's anything like me, I have no idea about sex addiction. I'm new to this and just found out that I a sex/porn addict.

All I can really say is, he might be a nympho and if you want him to stop looking at porn, have a lot of sex with him. I'm not sure if that's good/bad advice but if I were dating a girl, it would keep me from looking at porn.

You say that now NoName26 but if you are truly addicted and in a relationship, that wouldn't matter! In fact, I think more sex only seemed to hurt me more in the long run as now, thoughts fill my head almost every time! And even though he was getting some as much as he wanted, he still turned to porn! That is the addiction!
He has to WANT to stop.. realize how you feel.. He needs to admit he is actually addicted and seek help of some sort if you want it to stop. Until he admits it and starts help hun.. it will only go on..I hate to say that, but it is the truth. He has to understand how this has effected you in order to get the trust and love back. It took me a year (I moved in a year ago) of nothing but lies and pain before I heard those words. Not to mention the.. I can't live like this anymore and seriously thinking of leaving him! I am not sure how long you two have been going through this together, but you need to talk to him and let him know just how serious you are and how it is effecting you. It is a LONG rode with many bumps and only you can decide if you can stand beside him through this or not.
I know the best thing for me was to know I wasn't alone in this long rough.. so many ppl are just so full of anger and will only tell you to leave.. I wasn't ready to give up just yet so I started a free online workshop to help me understand what he is going through, what I am going through and to heal. You need to think about something like that now hun.. or this will follow you for the rest of your life! The more I learned, the more I knew he was addicted.. the more I realized it wasn't him.. but the addiction that was hurting me. It took a year of hearing.. I am not addicted because I can stop anytime I want to.. and so many more things before ours came to a peak.
I am not sure if I helped, or made things worse but I do wish you the best of luck in decided what for me what the toughest question yet! Peace, Love and Light, Libelle

Honey I have been there !!!! I know exactly what you are feeling and how horrible you feel. Men who are addicted think only of getting high on porn. If you are in the way of his getting that porn satisfaction he will be angry. I was virtually invisible to my husband for years. The only time he noticed me was to be angry or annoyed. We have managed to make it through but, It took a lot to get where we are today. I left him one night, Tried to commit suicide, and then almost died from a stroke. The stroke turned out to be one of those mild ones with no noticeable after effects but when I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance and spent time in the hospital I think it was the jolt that brought my husband around. We are so much better now but, The same trust will never be there again, sex will never be the same again..... You will need to decide how much your willing to take. He has to WANT to stop before any progress can be made....... My heart is with you. I know your pain !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Not really sure what to tell you. I find myself in the same situation. About 3-4 years ago I figured out my husband was looking at internet porn (I found his clean up supplies he left near the computer and so I perused the computer history). At the time I was thin but a new mom so I figured because I was busy with baby he was looking for a little fun on line. We had a good sex life and I watched to see how often it was occuring and did not see it again for a long time. Well.... now he has a subscription (which he hid on a credit card I don't use) and he is watching it a lot. Then... I found him looking through personal adult ads. That pissed me off because I thought we actually had a pretty good marraige. When I talked to him about it he admitted it and said he goes in waves where he gets into it for a while and then out of it. I told him it made me feel bad and that since our sex life is down to once every couple months it also made me feel insecure. I asked him "What the hell are you doing shopping personal ads?". He said I am not searching, I was just curious. Whatever, I told him this repeated behavior (I have talked to him about the porn before) made me wonder what else he was doing. I have thought about putting a GPS tracker on his car to see if he is visiting anyone from these ads. He's pretty open about this issue and assures me I have nothing to worry about. He says the reason we are not having sex is because I have gained weight and he is visual (Thanks hon !). He's the type who needs me to look perfect. His actions have upset me so much I feel depressed and low self esteem which in turn makes me EAT !! Such a catch 22. I can't really talk about this to my friends or family it's a dirty little secret for me. We were thinking about having another child and now I just don't know about him. He's a very strong personality, very successful and I can't imagine he'd ruin his marraige with this smut and by meeting women but ........... but I can't be niave can I? The personal ad shopping really bothered me alot more than the porn. How would he feel if I did this. In a way, I would like to start doing naughty things on line just for him to catch me and hurt him or make him wonder but.... this is childish behavior. I feel upset but more distrustful than tearful.

I agree, being in an active sexual relationship will not deter the obsession with the porn. My X hid it and lied about it all the time. I finally gave up and just asked that he be honest with me - not good enough. I never realized how deep the problem was and think I may still be in denial about certain aspects. I too checked the computers, pockets, everywhere. In retrospect I don't know why because I knew what I was going to find and it only made me feel worse. It really kills your self-esteem and trust when you are involved/married to someone like this who denies there is any problem. I believe that his addiction contributed to his decision to divorce. I feel he ran away rather than be honest and seek help.

Hi Lilysmum,

I can relate to what you're going through. From the interent stuff to the passionless marriage you describe. You are not alone. The best advice I can give is to focus on taking care of yourself. Several people have mentioned that your husband needs to hit a low and admit he has a problem... There is nothing you can do to make that happen - trust me. All you can do is help yourself to get stronger right now. What helped me was - this site, finding support groups (S-Anon, CoSA - for partners of sex addicts), books - anything by Patrick Carnes, CoDependent No More by Melanie Beattie (among other books by her), and getting my own therapist. Take it one day at a time or an hour at a time - whatever you need to do. We are here for you.

Most of these answer cover mine, but as a recovering addict I can tell you, He doesn't get it. I didn't get it for a long time, I had to be shown exactly what it was going to cost me. As I sit here and type this, I'm currently praying for another chance, for God to heal my marriage. Until he understands those consequences, he'll never change. He may try (or not), but he won't change.

My boyfriend never made the connection between his addiction to all the other areas in his life. It was completely separte in his eyes. It had nothing to do with me. Like two different worlds.
He has admitted it... tried to stop on his own, but every two months I would find something. This broke my trust so harshly after trying to work though it and trust again... only to be repeatedly disappointed. I had asked him to get help and he said he would, but waited and waited...
Unti the last time I found porn (about 2 months ago) was 'IT'. He has been to 4 sessions now, and I've been to one where I discovered that he was leaving out some of the contents of his problem - which was hard for me to admit myself.
Another thing was that at a very young age, he was put in situations with other children by an adult that may have spouted these problems today. He had learnt that this is appropriate behaviour. So, an an adult, he lived in his secret world of pornography.
I almost left many times. It was extremely hard on me... and is still as we are trying to understand various aspects of the whole thing, and heal together one step at a time. I could say the biggest reason why I am still here is that I don't want him to go back to it. I will not cave and allow such disfunctional behaviour continue! It's Not RIGHT! It Has to STOP! He knows it, too.
I am just recently trying to give him more trust. I have been abosulty untolerable at times b/c of my torturous insecurities about things. He has hurt me so much, repeatedly, that I'm always looking for it...expecting it. That's not a good way to deal with it. Doesn't help anything at all. But, when I am being irrational, he needs to tell me instead of getting mad himself - ingaging the situation. I told him that he has to take some responsibility in this. I was never like this before in my life. My feelings are a direct result of his actions.
I need him to communicate with me. He does not do that well, but is trying. I need reassurance from him, especially when we are out. There are many times where he would stare at other girls infront of me with no regard to myself. That told me that he was sexually interested in other women, and made me feel undesirable, not good enough, hurt, angry, depressed.
It's a hard thing for a girl to go through. I know that I have support here, and can relate to many other women. I've felt all alone for so long.
My goals are to function normally again, trust in the progress of healing, and just be happy like we use to be before all of this. Most people may disagree, but I realize that forgiveness is the only thing that will release me of my demons.

My ex is addicted to porn. It did ruin or marriage and I hated porn for a long tim. I hated him. I was an athlete and very active and thin. I was young and had a strong sexual drive. He would wake up in the middle of the night so that he could jerk of in front of the computer. I felt betrayed. I felt that no matter what I did that I coud not satisfy him. I was young and did not deal with the problem I gave up. We also did not love each other enough to support us through the trials that we were facing. I hope that your marriage does not turn out like mine but know that we are here. We understand.