Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

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/ Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Husband

deleted_user
deleted_user
Hello. I am new to this discussion group. I am writing b/c I am a little worried about my relationship with my husband. My concern is brought about now since we are getting a new computer in a few weeks. We were without one for a year, and to be honest I would be without one forever. A couple years ago after we had our first child, my husband was wrapped up in porn.It was the worst times. I cried all the time, and the time I could have spent loving my son, I wasted on being hurt. My husband would be on whenevr he had a chance. He made up stories. I learned to check his history, and he learned to erase it. Every night he would be in there. I hated walking into that room, b/c of the memories it brought. Our carpet was ruined by him, in that room.( That may be a little too descriptive, but I have to be honest.) Soon I got a filter, but he fouund his way around that also. I was always physically sick, b/c I new he would be on that while my innicent son was in the other room. I told him that we are getting rid of th internet, and he agreed. We also begin seeing a Christian counselor. During this time, he went on a business trip with his laptop. When he returned, I checked out his comp., and was devastated what I found. Files of 13-14 year olds having sex. My heart collapsed. He was in denial, but admitted to it and wanted to kill himself. Now he is supposed to be Christian, yet he never acts like it. He told me he only viewed this type of material a few times. Once is enough. I want to work it out. He says he knows how wrong it is. I just feel like we truly never resolved the issue. I got pregnant a few months after. We have a beautiful boy and baby girl. He is upset with me that I have to worry about protecting my kids. He understands everything else but that. Our marriage has gotten better, b/c we have become more involved with church and such. But I am extremely worried about his problem putting him in jail someday. Do you think it is possible to view my husband as a normal person, and not some psycho person? I want to be able to erase images, but it's hard. And what it has done to me, is amazing. He is very overweight and I am not. Now I use that as a weapon. Please give me some advice, especially those that have dealt with this problem specifically.
sadave46
sadave46
Hi...I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I didn't read anything in your post that was encouraging. I think it's great that he's become more involved in the church and that the marriage has improved but what I didn't see what any acknowledgment by him regarding his addiction or certainly not at the level it needs to happen. God helps those who help themselves...unless the Christian Counselor has real expertise in sex addiction, I personally don't think you (or he) should bank on that taking care of his addiction. He needs to take full and complete responsibility and admit that he is powerless over it....and saying it and truly believing it are two separate things, believe me I know. Part of that commitment is seeking out the appropriate resources to assist. You haven't described someone who has done that. I don't know how to respond to the child porn. You're right to have concern. Having that on his computer doesn't mean he would necessarily perp on a child but just the interest in it should give you pause. You don't really know what he's capable of and until you're completely confident he is actively and aggressively dealing with his SA, you should remain cautious. Given what you've written, my recommendation is suggesting to him he involve himself in SAA or a service like Recovery Nation that can be done on-line and that you can be involved too. Personally, I think sitting with other Sex Addicts helps and makes in much harder to hide...if he's unwilling to do that...it would bring up red flags for me. I'm just saying I personally don't think the Christian counselor unless they are experts in SA is sufficient in his case. I question the advisability of getting the "new" computer as well. Hope this helps some.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm in agreement with dave....he needs to get into a program such as SA or a similar type of recovery program. If he is Christian, let me recommend Higher-Calling.com, a great Christian recovery site. I am a member there, and would be glad to talk with him about this. Get in touch with me if I can help.
A counselor is not a bad idea, but Christian or otherwise, make sure they specialize in sex and porn addiction. Otherwise, their counsel will be useless. It takes knowing this addiction to treat it.
If I can help, let me know.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i have been with a guy for 5 years now that has a similar problem. He used to have a newsgroup site that he went to and looked at very, very questionable things. he has cancelled this subscribtion but recently found that he was 'googling' very questionable things. I have not married him yet and we don't have kids, mostly b/c of this, and his excuse of not asking to marry him was not to have money to buy a ring......which stems from lack of work and energy in porn...i am so sorry for what you are going through and please talk with me if you's like. I understand how hard it is to erase images as i'm dealing with that now. i don't know what to do!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow. You've got some interesting times on your hands. I agree with Dave in the fact that getting involved in the Church can be very helpful, but stress that you MUST get professional help with a counselor who specializes in Sex Addiction, especially if you're concerned about the child porn. Most certainly, jail would concern me, too.
If you aren't ready for or can't afford counseling with a certified Sex counselor, I would recommend finding a local Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meeting in your area and encouraging your husband to attend. I've been attending for 8 years and it's amazing how much better you feel when you know others have the same addiction as you do. (I am a love and sex addict.) There is so much support at SAA for him - the shame will eventually dissipate and he will make bonds with others there that will continue to help him in his recovery. Really, sex addiction is just as powerful as an illegal drug addiction. He needs support.
You may also consider looking into your own support group (like Al-Anon) for spouses of sex addicts. They're available, too.
Truly, best of luck to you. God bless you and help you find the right path to recovery.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hallow,
Have you considered getting into a group for the spouses/loved ones of addicts?
I can recommend a couple if you are interested.
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