Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Hi Group,
I'm male, age 55. Sex addict, me? I think more of myself pathetically as a "gender addict" as I haven't had sex in many years, don't miss it that much (lately doubt that I could perform anyway, especially with a condom), but I am terribly cuddle-starved (I know, pathetic).
I used to date a lot in the early and mid 1980s, plenty of girlfriends, plenty of sex. That period included two girlfriends in 2-3 year relationships, and a few others in shorter relationships. Then from 1987-1995 I was in a monogamous sexual relationship. But when crunch time came, I found myself unable to agree to live with her, let alone marry. She accused me of using 7 years of her life, and my mother also said I was exploting her. I felt very guilty.
As for the other girlfriends during the 1980-1995 period, there was never a live-together and never a marriage. My last (and only) live-together was 1976 - 1978 (with about 3 separations).
From 1995 until 3/2007 I didn't date or anything at all, feeling I have little to offer, and not missing women that much nor the hassles. Then in 3/2007 while bar-hopping in Minneapolis, I walked into a strip-club, not expecting much (my brother-in-law took me to one a couple of times years and years ago, and I wasn't impressed), expecting to be quickly bored and move on.
But this sweet creature came up to me and asked me if I wanted to lap dance. I said no but gave her a $20 and told her (truthfully) I have not had any relationship or physical contact with a woman in 12 years and hoped she could sit close and talk and cuddle. She did.
Since then I have been spending about a dollar a minute (plus some extra bonuses) for "C and C" -- conversation and cuddling -- with about 3 different women. I go for a "C and C" session about 6 times a month (nearly $2700 spent since early March). Though I haven't been cuddling in full -- mostly she just sitting up close next to me so our legs and arms are touching, occasionally gently rubbing each other's backs and shoulders (caressing), sometimes holding hands for awhile. I have never wanted to, or asked to touch any sensitive areas of theirs, nor them of me. And never kissing. (OK, I'd like to touch sensitive areas and kissing, but its not a big deal to me).
(Once, recently, one did full-scale cuddling (still nobody touching any sensitive areas nor kissing, but both arms around each other, wonderful wonderful, can't wait for Tuesday!!! ).
I'm generally happy about all of this. I am happy to find that I greatly enjoy the cuddling whether partial or full and that a desire for more (i.e. for sex) is not bothering me. I can afford the cost too.
Still, I wish I had someone more like a real girlfriend rather than some make-believe ones that I only see in a strip-club. And even there, I feel like other men think I'm weird paying just to cuddle (so I've been told more than once in so many words. I feel like a "girlie man" and a "PTSM - Pathetic Touch-Starved Male").
But as far as real-world dating, I still feel that, given my history and attitude, I can't realistically offer even a small possibility of a live-together, let alone a marriage. So I haven't tried any real-world dating. Besides, I'm shy, have poor social skills, would flunk the "what do you like to do in your spare time?" question (I don't seem to have much spare time or energy, the question always causes me to panic), and have a little less than average looks.
I've thought of going to a regular dating site like match.com or plentyOfFishes.com and honestly stating my situation -- given my relationship history, the possibility of a live-together or marriage is very remote -- I just want some cuddling and conversation and will pay for it. But I haven't had the courage to post something like that, and probably it would be flagged as solicitation. (If I didn't offer to pay, I doubt I would get any responses -- how many women are interested in a man who honestly says there is almost no possibility of a live-together or a marriage?).
Anyway, that's my situation, if anyone wants to comment.
-Jumiee
I'm male, age 55. Sex addict, me? I think more of myself pathetically as a "gender addict" as I haven't had sex in many years, don't miss it that much (lately doubt that I could perform anyway, especially with a condom), but I am terribly cuddle-starved (I know, pathetic).
I used to date a lot in the early and mid 1980s, plenty of girlfriends, plenty of sex. That period included two girlfriends in 2-3 year relationships, and a few others in shorter relationships. Then from 1987-1995 I was in a monogamous sexual relationship. But when crunch time came, I found myself unable to agree to live with her, let alone marry. She accused me of using 7 years of her life, and my mother also said I was exploting her. I felt very guilty.
As for the other girlfriends during the 1980-1995 period, there was never a live-together and never a marriage. My last (and only) live-together was 1976 - 1978 (with about 3 separations).
From 1995 until 3/2007 I didn't date or anything at all, feeling I have little to offer, and not missing women that much nor the hassles. Then in 3/2007 while bar-hopping in Minneapolis, I walked into a strip-club, not expecting much (my brother-in-law took me to one a couple of times years and years ago, and I wasn't impressed), expecting to be quickly bored and move on.
But this sweet creature came up to me and asked me if I wanted to lap dance. I said no but gave her a $20 and told her (truthfully) I have not had any relationship or physical contact with a woman in 12 years and hoped she could sit close and talk and cuddle. She did.
Since then I have been spending about a dollar a minute (plus some extra bonuses) for "C and C" -- conversation and cuddling -- with about 3 different women. I go for a "C and C" session about 6 times a month (nearly $2700 spent since early March). Though I haven't been cuddling in full -- mostly she just sitting up close next to me so our legs and arms are touching, occasionally gently rubbing each other's backs and shoulders (caressing), sometimes holding hands for awhile. I have never wanted to, or asked to touch any sensitive areas of theirs, nor them of me. And never kissing. (OK, I'd like to touch sensitive areas and kissing, but its not a big deal to me).
(Once, recently, one did full-scale cuddling (still nobody touching any sensitive areas nor kissing, but both arms around each other, wonderful wonderful, can't wait for Tuesday!!! ).
I'm generally happy about all of this. I am happy to find that I greatly enjoy the cuddling whether partial or full and that a desire for more (i.e. for sex) is not bothering me. I can afford the cost too.
Still, I wish I had someone more like a real girlfriend rather than some make-believe ones that I only see in a strip-club. And even there, I feel like other men think I'm weird paying just to cuddle (so I've been told more than once in so many words. I feel like a "girlie man" and a "PTSM - Pathetic Touch-Starved Male").
But as far as real-world dating, I still feel that, given my history and attitude, I can't realistically offer even a small possibility of a live-together, let alone a marriage. So I haven't tried any real-world dating. Besides, I'm shy, have poor social skills, would flunk the "what do you like to do in your spare time?" question (I don't seem to have much spare time or energy, the question always causes me to panic), and have a little less than average looks.
I've thought of going to a regular dating site like match.com or plentyOfFishes.com and honestly stating my situation -- given my relationship history, the possibility of a live-together or marriage is very remote -- I just want some cuddling and conversation and will pay for it. But I haven't had the courage to post something like that, and probably it would be flagged as solicitation. (If I didn't offer to pay, I doubt I would get any responses -- how many women are interested in a man who honestly says there is almost no possibility of a live-together or a marriage?).
Anyway, that's my situation, if anyone wants to comment.
-Jumiee
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
I'm glad you came here. Your problem doesn't seem to be hurting or should I say involving anyone but yourself. Have you considered trying to discover why you feel the way you do? I think that night be useful and may lead to something more fulfilling than just trying to bandaid the immediate need.
That's my comments.
If you're getting what you want at the clubs and can afford it, the girls are certainly getting what they want - money from you.
If you're worried about performance issues, get some Viagra or similar drug - it works for me and my gfs over the years (you and I are about the same age).
Touch is very important and, if you prefer to pay for it in this way, its your choice, and its legal. I could make the argument that having a gf is more expensive than paying a dollar a minute for cuddling six times a month, but I wake up next to her (when I want to) she's enjoying our relationship and we're both enjoying the intimacy that we missed before we met each other.
I don't see you as addicted. I see you (forgive me here) as lonely and in search of intimacy. You've taken the easy way out so far at the clubs. Maybe its time to kick it up a notch. You might be surprised.
good luck to you
Sorry to add on to such an old thread, but this way it is all together. I had so many other threads and activities going that I couldn't get to this sooner. But I am still very much bothered about this problem.
Thriver } Have you considered trying to discover why you feel the way you do? I think that might be useful and may lead to something more fulfilling than just trying to bandaid the immediate need. {
Sorry, I don't know what you mean "discover why you feel the way you do". I very much want some physical contact with women (as well as conversation and friendship) and that is just plain normal for men (and for women too in regard to men, and for that matter gays and lesbians with the same gender, in other words most adult humans).
On getting it via the strip club $1.30/minute route, yes, that is pathetic, but I don't know how "discovering the way I feel" applies. I'm not trying to be disagreeable, and I really appreciate your response, I just don't know what else to do. See my reply to ChicagoDave just below for more on why I feel I can't conventionally date successfully without being dishonest and mis-leading some poor woman who thinks I might be a marriage prospect.
As for whether I'm "taking the easy way out" as another poster suggested, no, rather I very strongly think I'm taking the high road. I frankly think the majority of men would just go ahead and conventionally date and not tell the woman that their prospect of a live-together or marriage is dim, at least not until she brought up the issue 3 months or 6 months down the road.
It bothers me that in all of the many discussions I've had on this issue, nobody has ever said, "that is good of you to refuse to be dishonest (by withholding key information), and thereby missing out on a relationship that you wish so much to have." Rather some people react like I'm some kind of nut, which I guess I am, but why is it so nutty to want to live alone and why is it so nutty to be honest?
But oh well, I am clear in my own conscience that what I'm doing is right.
ChicagoDave } And don't assume you know what every woman in the world wants in a relationship...let them tell you! {
First, I'm sorry to hear you are leaving the S.A. community. I hope you see this before you leave, I will also email it to you. I really appreciated your response and your posts to others.
Anyhow, I don't assume that EVERY woman wants a marriage or some-sort of live-together (as I said in my original post, I like living alone and have a zero track record as far as marriage, and zero track record on live-together since 1978).
Its just that, way back when in the early 1980s when I last dated, I had a very hard time of attracting any women (see my original post about all the things wrong with me -- looks, low energy, poor social skills, not a fun guy, would flunk the "what do you do like to do in your spare time" question, etc. -- ), and that was when I didn't have any restrictions on the kind of relationship I was looking for (i.e. I actually thought I wanted to be in a live-together and just maybe marriage, and would have settled for something less than that too, in other words I was entirely open to anything and everything as far as relationship type).
Now that I have this major handicap issue -- I feel that I want to live alone but still want a regular relationship otherwise (well, probably much less time spent on it than I think most women want) -- I am cutting my chances by probably about 90%. With only one exception (K.a.t), every woman I've talked to about this, and who wants any involvement at all with a man, says they hope for at least a live-together, and think the number of women wanting close physical involvement and relationship with a man but not wanting at least some possibility of a future live-together or marriage are relatively few.
Anyway, I could hunt and hunt and hunt, but given how much time and energy I spent in the early 1980s on this, and all without being burdened by this key handicap issue, well, I just am not willing to spend that amount of time again on this, let alone several times more time on this which is likely. I have already spent a considerable time fruitlessly on a couple of dating sites (where I'm honest about this issue in my profile, and in my emails).
ChicagoDave } If you're worried about performance issues, get some Viagra or similar drug - it works for me and my gfs over the years (you and I are about the same age). {
My problem isn't erectile dysfunction (which I believe is all that Viagra treats) -- I can achieve and maintain a strong erection. My problem is that I take too long to come (during masturbation), if at all. If I were having sex (which I haven't had in 13 years), I would almost certainly become physically exhausted first, as that activity requires movement of much of my lower body, not just my hand. (This was an issue even way back when I last had sex, and even in my 30's). I don't think Viagra and such drugs address this issue. However, I plan to talk to my urologist about this in a couple of months.
Thanks again Thriver and ChicagoDave, and to those that replied to me privately,
Happy cuddling to those so lucky, and happy honest and safe sex to those yet luckier still.
Jumiee
Glad to see you back. I'm going to try to clarify my question to you. Have you ever thought about trying to get to the bottom of why you do not want to have a close relationship? I'm not saying that everyone should want to have a live in relationship - I for one don't want one, but I know exactly why I don't and I'm happy without it. Do you know why? It sounds like something you discovered during your one long term relationship. Did something happen or become clear at that time?
Thriver: } Have you ever thought about trying to get to the bottom of why you do not want to have a close relationship? {
I want a close relationship, I just don't want to live with a woman, or a man. I've always been somewhat of a loner; I don't think that will ever change, nor is it an indication of something aberrant that needs fixing.
Thriver: } It sounds like something you discovered during your one long term relationship. Did something happen or become clear at that time? {
I think my last relationship -- 1987 - 1994 -- only confirmed the pattern that I should have noticed before: that for some reason I just didn't want to live with someone else. (I had two previous multi-year relationships that ended for the same reason -- I didn't want to live with either one of them). Again, I think that is just the way I am and I doubt that any more psychotherapy will give me any more insight -- lots of people (both women and men) just are that way.
I think there are a lot of people like this, men and women, though I think the number of men who don't want a live-together, but still want a romantic and physical relationship, greatly exceeds the number of women who feel the same way about men. Such is life.
I guess I'm going to have to try to find a cuddle-ostitute on Craigs List.