I can relate to you. My husband and I went through an ongoing battle for a couple years, until I decided the computer should go. But of course now we have a new one and will get the net in January. My husband is also obese, and I'm not. It angered me and still does. I use his weight against him so much now. I know this is wrong. I just felt so worthless for son long. I thought, "how can he look at other women." He always preferred himself to me. I blamed that on his obesity, and laziness. I have to realize that I am attractive, no matter how he makes me feel. He never seemed to get that point, and we would go without sex for months. I was the only ne upset about that. I set him clear to him that if he crosses the line this time, I am gone. This is hard for me to say. We have two little ones, and have been together for 9 years. But I want him to know I am serious this time. Giving him chances did not work before. He would deny, than confess, then continue. It was ugly. I do not want a divorce. But I have to let my husband know that I also deserve respect. If he glances at another woman, that's find. But when he was constantly imagining other women and viewing, and so forth, I believe he was cheating in his heart. My battle now is to stop being bitter. I need to try to be positive, and hope that my husband will be a stronger man. If not he will be on his own until he gets the help he needs. His porn viewing was more than just every once in a while. It was a complete addiction. His mind was always somewhere else, he paid less attention to our son, and none to his wife. Anyways, your boyfriend may hate discussing, but he has to understand where you are coming from. It shouldn't be about his feelings right now anyways. He's hurting you. If he cares for you, he will try to listen and be up for suggestions. That's one thing about my husband. He will do whatever it is to gain my trust again. Even if he doesn't want to or not.

Thank you for sharing Wenjoy.

I can relate to you too. I think your husband and my boyfriend are both working on their behaviour, wanting to gain our trust. Which for me is alot. Of course it still hurts to feel unsexy when in the beginning, he was very sexual with me. I think after the conquest, he sat back and relaxed (so to speak - because it has not been relaxing with all my inquiries and doubts about him). I feel now that I have a responsibility - I see that his honesty is some kind of sign of him wanting to work on something, and I feel I have to acknowledge that - without applause but by showing some respect and trust.

I do not think that your husband is cheating because of his desire for other women - It seems to be a "sexual issue" - a habit, a bad one when in a relationship.

If I can allow myself, it's not by calling them names that we will get them to desire us.. I have done my share of calling him a selfish pervert - it leads to nothing but more anger, because it just creates a wall.

Maybe your fears are coming back because you will get the net in January - I wonder if there could be such a thing as "You and me and our sexuality" and "ourselves with our own private time" - If the first is respected, there may be a chance of developing a healthy sexual relationship as a couple.. maybe the hurt will go away..

I wish you luck and calm in dealing with this.

Thank you

I completly understand where you're coming from. With my ex husband I had the same problem. When I left the house I thought about what he would be doing while I was gone. I would even come home early to try to catch him. Which I did. I always felt like I wasn't enough. I constantly changed my hair color or style hoping to draw him to me. In the long run all the problems turned out to be his. I don't know if you are uncofortable with porn or not. But with my new boyfrind I sit with him while he looks. It makes him be able to look but keeps me the one he "comes home to" Sometimes we forget they spend their lives with us, always. Looking is ok as long as everyone is still gettng what they need. When it becomes something that has to be done theres a problem. But my advice just spice things up. He may be the obese one but you both take part in what your lives are like. You want him to desire you? Give him some new reasons.

Really nothing you can do will make an addict stop and not look at porn until they are ready to stop by themselves. They/we will deny it all and will lie about it and try to cover it up and do all kinds of crazy tings to just keep the addiction and lust alive. It isn't just spicing things up. I have been with others that are less attractive then my wife. It is the lust not the look that is the addiction.

No offense, but yes you can say "It's me or porn." He is choosing porn over you, and you have the right to say "No more porn" if it is something that is bothering you.
It's sounds as though he is in denial. Discussing it IS the only way to deal with it, and if he isn't willing to discuss it then he isn't being honest with you and he isn't willing to work it out.

Hiding behind obesity is a copout. I am a very large man myself (6'4" and 335 lbs.) and it hasn't stopped me and my wife from intimacy. She has dealt with my SA for 20 years, and after we dealt with it in our lives, things have gotten much, much better. We have a sexual relationship now that far surpasses anything we ever had with porn involved. He's using his obesity as an excuse for not being intimate with you, and that needs to stop.

You need to confront him with your feelings and he is going to have to choose either you or his porn. If he can't choose you, then it may be time for a change.

We got into a big argument last night. He went away for his job (two days) and I did for the week end (away to my family's). He did say for the first time that he watched porn. He admitted that, which brought more trust in me and brought us closer until... Now, last night, because I wanted to cuddle and have sex, he said I was addicted to sex -he says all I talk about is wanting sex and not making future plans with him. I really don't think I am addicted but it seems that feeling rejected makes me want more, and wanting to talk about it. I don't make future plans with him because I feel we have to settle the sexual issue before. Is that fair ?

He is very affectionate with me but he does'nt look at me much, he likes to talk about very serious topics, and not much romance.. He buys me gifts but it's as if he compensates. I want more sex.

He says I'm beautiful.. gives me compliments.. but still,seems to prefer porn.

He is not treating me bad - but I take it like "bad treatment" - him not wanting sex with me and enjoying porn.

I have been reading the forum and it seems like there are women who cope with much more than me.

Maybe my boyfriend is not addicted - I dont know anymore. All I can say is that when I am not home, he watches porn. When I am in the house, he does'nt. He does'nt leave the house, work late..to watch porn. He is just not interested in sex with me - and he happens to love porn.

Yes he is so addicted to porn that he is living in a fantasy world. I can relate to this because my husband chose porn over me many times. When a man turns down the real thing to go and look at a "IMAGE" on the computer there is something wrong with him. It is never good in a relationship to look at porn whether its with or without them. Porn only leads to isolation and addiction. With the onset of computers I know it is everywhere but it has made this a true addiction that is hard to fix.

I believe if a man wants to save his relationship and attend the SA meetings he can get help. But the honesty and trust may never come back in a relationship. That is what the lies do. And feeling ugly and not enough is exactly what it does to the woman you are with. If a man is doing that to you he should be sensitive enough to understand your feelings and stop. Maybe have him look at the SA websites and see if he is interested in getting help. If not...I agree with Robert. Make him choose.

Honesty is great. I'm really glad that he's being honest with you; it really is a great first step.

Yes, you can say "me or porn". Or, you can wait and say it after a few more baby steps. I agree with the others in the fact that you should suggest SAA meetings to help him get on the right path. Take baby steps together until you're comfortable giving an ultimatum. Many addicts are egomaniacs with an inferiority complex. (Describes ME to a T!) Understand that giving him an ultimatum right now might just get you the answer you want, but create a lapse back into silence and dishonesty from him. He's talking to you right now about his issues. Keep doing things if they move in a positive direction. Remember that you weren't in this predicament over night. It took baby steps to get into this problem, and it will take baby steps to get out of it. As long as you're committed to doing it together, have faith that all will eventually be well. I took me years to be completely faithful in my relationship (no porn, no anonymous sex...) but I had support from a great partner (like you) and we're stronger now than we ever were.

I wish you luck. Hang in there.

I am a sex addict and admitted it to my husband a while ago, when he found my emails and I really had no choice.
Admission makes things very different but, doesn't help the addiction.
I go to sex and love addiction meetings for help and my husband goes to sanon. If your husband actually wants to stop, check out these meetings in your area. Most couples who go to meetings, also go to therapy.

I understand totally how you feel. I have busted my partner looking at porn on the net numerous times, I think he does it on a daily basis and stays up till 5am in the morning. It makes me sick. I have talked to him, he says he is sorry and says he won't do it again. But he never stops. So in answer to your question, it is great they are honest but do not think that will make them stop. I think they need serious help and they have to think that they have a problem. Alot of males think it is a male thing. They do not realise how damaging it can be for their partner. I am currently pregnant with his child and I feel horrible, our sex life is non existant (once a month). Here to chat if you need to.

Thank you very much for your comments, your suggestions, your enlightments and your sharing.

In this last week.. since I wrote this post, we played yo-yo with honesty. Once he says yes he does, once he says it's just that specific time that he did it.. - In other words.. has a hard time being completely honest.

Bottom line, I cannot control anyone.. All I want is a fulfilling relationship both emotional and sexual with my boyfriend. Seems like the sexuality problems made me forget the good in him - not our relationship because I hung on to the bone (porn).. letting go of it seems to do a better job. It is hard and it takes alot of control but that is what I have to do.. I am sure of it.

Ok.. I told him I did not want him to do that.. than, I said how about you nourrish our sexuality parallel to things you do on the side (as long as it's only on the side). Without checking if he does or not.

Well, I had a great week end with him.. I dont want to get into details.. lets just say he gave me the kind of attention I needed for a long time. I wish we could keep it that way. He seemed happy for "giving" me.. It probably does'nt mean he will drop porn just like that, but maybe he will know another way to be happy.. because I am happy also.. so we smile and have fun.

One thing that helped me is through meditation. I just started that. It just brings me back to myself - not him. Instead of saying I want sex.. I want him to stop porn.. I want him to desire me.. well I change my speech into something in which I have more control - I have sex fore I am sexual - I am desirable .. anyways, it's been feeling like I give myself more love and ask less of him. Which makes me more in control of my life..

Maybe the distance - the detachment makes him want to come closer. I hope we will both have the strenght to continue and make it better with the new path that I discovered for myself, but of which he can benefit.

I forgot to say something..

I understand better from reading alot of some honest and helpful people on this forum.

Your comments help me alot - through other posts as well.

For instance, correct me if I'm wrong, but as it's been said, people who have a tendency towards porn tend to love the lust it creates watching it. For that reason, maybe it is not a bad thing to create a bit of distance - or does it only act as a plaster - some sort of patch.. underneath which the problem is still there.. Or does it give the "porn addict" a chance to see and feel that he can have the same "lust" and pleasure with his loved one ?

I hope you understand the way I structure my sentences.. It is much easier for me to write in french.

Thank You

marelly,
The lust is certainly a part of the attraction for some. The problem lies in lusting for the wrong things, the "unhealthy" side of lust. In a relationship, replacing lust with passion helps a great deal. Lust is something that creates unrealistic expectations in a healthy sexual relationship, especially when porn is involved. Passion, on the other hand, is shared by two people and can very well be more powerful than lust. If you can redefine the passion between the two of you, there is a good chance that he might be able to deal with his porn issues and move past them.

Something I see over and over is wives and girlfriends who personalize their SO's addiction. It's understandable and logic seems to dictate and it's DEAD wrong. A SA's addiction to porn isn't about the desirability of their wives or girlfriend. My wife also thought that and she was a stunning looking woman...my problem had nothing to do with her attractiveness or sexiness. It had everything to do with me and my need to control. Often I would masterbate in another room while my wife was lying in bed waiting for me...she was so confused and hurt that I would prefer to masturbate when I had a willing partner who loved me and wanted sex with me. It was insane. I was insane. She didn't understand anymore than the people here do...heck I didn't even understand myself.

It needs to be stated over and over and over...it's not about you whether your a hottie or something less...it just doesn't matter. SA isn't even really about sex as strange as that sounds. It's about controlling feeling. So please, please stop taking this on yourselves. The problem for you is hard enough without thinking you can "fix" it if you could just somehow catch his attention. Your attractiveness or lack of has nothing to do with the problem. It's his problem and his alone. You only have control over how you deal with it. Thinking it's somehow caused or contributed to by you only serves to lower your self esteem. It doesn't change anything.

sometimes all it can be is "It's me or the porn". If you have had the discussions about it, and he knows how you feel and that it is hurting you and your relationship, does he care? Does he lie and hide it like my husband I am guessing? I'm still trying to learn how to talk to and get the point to my H, also.I'm in counceling now trying to learn how to regain my personal power. I really want my husband to want me only and dump the porn. I can't prove anything because I am locked out of my H computer. So, I have to take his word for it for now. But we are married and we shouldn't be keeping anything private and secret from each other. Good luck, sounds awful what you are going through. I wouldn't give in to his sick requests.