
Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

deleted_user
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He was never honest about porn. Let's say I caught him being subscribed to a porn site. He told me about his habit but said he changed (as if it only belonged to his past) I did not believe him and he knew it. We argued alot about it. After a whole year after finding out, he finally told me the truth.
For the first time, he was honest. Should it change anything in his habit, in his feelings, in our relationship ? I hate it that everytime I go out, he watches porn and of course I don't feel desired. I don't dare to seduce him thinking that what really turns him on is porn images.
To tell you honestly, he is a bit obese so a bit lazy to have sex with me. (I think that is part of the reason) However, he does to please me. I wish he did it to please himself too.
I was very happy that he told me the truth, but I still feel that his true desire is through porn (which hurts me).
Have you any ideas how we can deal with that.. without discussing (he hates that).. I can't say "It's me or porn"- I know it does'nt work that way. One thing for sure, I want to keep the honesty. It hurts less.
Thank you.
For the first time, he was honest. Should it change anything in his habit, in his feelings, in our relationship ? I hate it that everytime I go out, he watches porn and of course I don't feel desired. I don't dare to seduce him thinking that what really turns him on is porn images.
To tell you honestly, he is a bit obese so a bit lazy to have sex with me. (I think that is part of the reason) However, he does to please me. I wish he did it to please himself too.
I was very happy that he told me the truth, but I still feel that his true desire is through porn (which hurts me).
Have you any ideas how we can deal with that.. without discussing (he hates that).. I can't say "It's me or porn"- I know it does'nt work that way. One thing for sure, I want to keep the honesty. It hurts less.
Thank you.
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I can relate to you too. I think your husband and my boyfriend are both working on their behaviour, wanting to gain our trust. Which for me is alot. Of course it still hurts to feel unsexy when in the beginning, he was very sexual with me. I think after the conquest, he sat back and relaxed (so to speak - because it has not been relaxing with all my inquiries and doubts about him). I feel now that I have a responsibility - I see that his honesty is some kind of sign of him wanting to work on something, and I feel I have to acknowledge that - without applause but by showing some respect and trust.
I do not think that your husband is cheating because of his desire for other women - It seems to be a "sexual issue" - a habit, a bad one when in a relationship.
If I can allow myself, it's not by calling them names that we will get them to desire us.. I have done my share of calling him a selfish pervert - it leads to nothing but more anger, because it just creates a wall.
Maybe your fears are coming back because you will get the net in January - I wonder if there could be such a thing as "You and me and our sexuality" and "ourselves with our own private time" - If the first is respected, there may be a chance of developing a healthy sexual relationship as a couple.. maybe the hurt will go away..
I wish you luck and calm in dealing with this.
Thank you
It's sounds as though he is in denial. Discussing it IS the only way to deal with it, and if he isn't willing to discuss it then he isn't being honest with you and he isn't willing to work it out.
Hiding behind obesity is a copout. I am a very large man myself (6'4" and 335 lbs.) and it hasn't stopped me and my wife from intimacy. She has dealt with my SA for 20 years, and after we dealt with it in our lives, things have gotten much, much better. We have a sexual relationship now that far surpasses anything we ever had with porn involved. He's using his obesity as an excuse for not being intimate with you, and that needs to stop.
You need to confront him with your feelings and he is going to have to choose either you or his porn. If he can't choose you, then it may be time for a change.
He is very affectionate with me but he does'nt look at me much, he likes to talk about very serious topics, and not much romance.. He buys me gifts but it's as if he compensates. I want more sex.
He says I'm beautiful.. gives me compliments.. but still,seems to prefer porn.
He is not treating me bad - but I take it like "bad treatment" - him not wanting sex with me and enjoying porn.
I have been reading the forum and it seems like there are women who cope with much more than me.
Maybe my boyfriend is not addicted - I dont know anymore. All I can say is that when I am not home, he watches porn. When I am in the house, he does'nt. He does'nt leave the house, work late..to watch porn. He is just not interested in sex with me - and he happens to love porn.
I believe if a man wants to save his relationship and attend the SA meetings he can get help. But the honesty and trust may never come back in a relationship. That is what the lies do. And feeling ugly and not enough is exactly what it does to the woman you are with. If a man is doing that to you he should be sensitive enough to understand your feelings and stop. Maybe have him look at the SA websites and see if he is interested in getting help. If not...I agree with Robert. Make him choose.
Yes, you can say "me or porn". Or, you can wait and say it after a few more baby steps. I agree with the others in the fact that you should suggest SAA meetings to help him get on the right path. Take baby steps together until you're comfortable giving an ultimatum. Many addicts are egomaniacs with an inferiority complex. (Describes ME to a T!) Understand that giving him an ultimatum right now might just get you the answer you want, but create a lapse back into silence and dishonesty from him. He's talking to you right now about his issues. Keep doing things if they move in a positive direction. Remember that you weren't in this predicament over night. It took baby steps to get into this problem, and it will take baby steps to get out of it. As long as you're committed to doing it together, have faith that all will eventually be well. I took me years to be completely faithful in my relationship (no porn, no anonymous sex...) but I had support from a great partner (like you) and we're stronger now than we ever were.
I wish you luck. Hang in there.
Admission makes things very different but, doesn't help the addiction.
I go to sex and love addiction meetings for help and my husband goes to sanon. If your husband actually wants to stop, check out these meetings in your area. Most couples who go to meetings, also go to therapy.
In this last week.. since I wrote this post, we played yo-yo with honesty. Once he says yes he does, once he says it's just that specific time that he did it.. - In other words.. has a hard time being completely honest.
Bottom line, I cannot control anyone.. All I want is a fulfilling relationship both emotional and sexual with my boyfriend. Seems like the sexuality problems made me forget the good in him - not our relationship because I hung on to the bone (porn).. letting go of it seems to do a better job. It is hard and it takes alot of control but that is what I have to do.. I am sure of it.
Ok.. I told him I did not want him to do that.. than, I said how about you nourrish our sexuality parallel to things you do on the side (as long as it's only on the side). Without checking if he does or not.
Well, I had a great week end with him.. I dont want to get into details.. lets just say he gave me the kind of attention I needed for a long time. I wish we could keep it that way. He seemed happy for "giving" me.. It probably does'nt mean he will drop porn just like that, but maybe he will know another way to be happy.. because I am happy also.. so we smile and have fun.
One thing that helped me is through meditation. I just started that. It just brings me back to myself - not him. Instead of saying I want sex.. I want him to stop porn.. I want him to desire me.. well I change my speech into something in which I have more control - I have sex fore I am sexual - I am desirable .. anyways, it's been feeling like I give myself more love and ask less of him. Which makes me more in control of my life..
Maybe the distance - the detachment makes him want to come closer. I hope we will both have the strenght to continue and make it better with the new path that I discovered for myself, but of which he can benefit.
I understand better from reading alot of some honest and helpful people on this forum.
Your comments help me alot - through other posts as well.
For instance, correct me if I'm wrong, but as it's been said, people who have a tendency towards porn tend to love the lust it creates watching it. For that reason, maybe it is not a bad thing to create a bit of distance - or does it only act as a plaster - some sort of patch.. underneath which the problem is still there.. Or does it give the "porn addict" a chance to see and feel that he can have the same "lust" and pleasure with his loved one ?
I hope you understand the way I structure my sentences.. It is much easier for me to write in french.
Thank You
The lust is certainly a part of the attraction for some. The problem lies in lusting for the wrong things, the "unhealthy" side of lust. In a relationship, replacing lust with passion helps a great deal. Lust is something that creates unrealistic expectations in a healthy sexual relationship, especially when porn is involved. Passion, on the other hand, is shared by two people and can very well be more powerful than lust. If you can redefine the passion between the two of you, there is a good chance that he might be able to deal with his porn issues and move past them.
It needs to be stated over and over and over...it's not about you whether your a hottie or something less...it just doesn't matter. SA isn't even really about sex as strange as that sounds. It's about controlling feeling. So please, please stop taking this on yourselves. The problem for you is hard enough without thinking you can "fix" it if you could just somehow catch his attention. Your attractiveness or lack of has nothing to do with the problem. It's his problem and his alone. You only have control over how you deal with it. Thinking it's somehow caused or contributed to by you only serves to lower your self esteem. It doesn't change anything.