Not that this is much of a comment, but my husband's in like, exactly the same boat. He was masturbating sometimes every other day, sometimes two or three times a day. Even when he was with someone and the relationship should've been great. The masturbation will become a problem, because it will be a shameful secret, and it will block true intimacy, even if not sexually, emotionally. Have you sought a therapist, or something else to fill your time and self with? Biking, hiking, reading, etc?

I'm sorry to hear that your husband has a very similar struggle.
I have tried distractions of various kinds, but after while i become totally preoccupied and absolutely MUST get relief.I think that with some help, I might be able to break this adddiction, although I am not much on therapy. My experiences thus far have not been very positive.
I do appreciate your input; I think it is important for any of us affected by this to talk about it.
Thank You!

I think the ultimate solution is 'reprogramming' my mind, both mentally and emotionally. This is far easier said than done. As I understand it, that 'reprogramming' is largely accomplished through new experinces that foster genuine closeness and intimacy with others. Also, experiences where I see what healthy sexuality looks and feels like. Ihave no deep internal model for healthy sexuality--Mine was formed around svere shaming, name-callng, and being the butt of dirty jokes my father told. When my youngest brother was about 18months old, I was accused of molesting him, eveen though I had never even thought of such a thing. The whole masturbation thing was new to me at that time and it simply never ocurred to me to do something like that. With that and hearing that I was a fag, etc. until I left home, AND the sexual abuse AND the severe physical abuse, I left home a wreck. It's a wonder I saw 30, let alone 41. I don't ave any clear solutions, but I hope sharing my experiences and pain with others will help in some way. Iknow I'mnot alone.

My ex-husband had the same problem.. which had a huge factor in why he is an ex. Because of this problem he had.. communication was nothing.. BUT.. everything happens for a reason.. Now, I am in love with a recovering SA/PA/LA. I do believe all addictions are pretty much the same. What my love and I have talked about just the other night was the fact of what he did.. and how it made him feel especially after words. He too is in the process of reprogramming his mind. I am noticing the triggers aren't as big anymore. And he just has a peace about him.. FINALLY. He did this by realizing that just because he had a problem..an addiction, didn't make him a horrible person. That EVERYONE has good and bad within them.. that is just how the universe balances itself out. He has came to terms with this. He has met his "bad" or unhealthy side if you will.. and is now accepting it is just a part of him. He is becoming friends with this side so to speak. He now understands HIMSELF and is able to reprogram his thinking. I know they aren't exactly the same problems but I know for him, reading and reading.. taking workshops at www.recoverynation.com with an open mind and finally understanding he wasn't alone out there gave him the strength to visit a therapist (which they really haven't talked much on the subject to be honest..I believe it was more the fact that he actually came out and told someone and that professional reassured him he wasn't a horrible person). All this together has given him the strength he needed to start to reprogram his mind and find peace within.
I am not sure if this helped you or not but please know, you aren't alone here!

Thank you for your reply. I'm pleased to hear that your husband is making pogress with his addiction. the approach sounds somewhat Buddhist, although it [robably isn't. I accept this part of me more than I used o, I just haven't made friends with my addiction yet. I have done some similar work through Buddhist study and practice and have to say it was truly helpful. My big issue now is finding the time for me to meditate and do this work. I wrok extreme hours amd often run on little sleep. I am woking in how to address that issue. Thanks again!

Again, I have to say little about this subject as it has many variable opinions according to one's environment from an early age, and the influences that some have learned early on to influence judgements on this sort of thing. It's a private matter for individuals. I find myself unwilling to talk about it due to the likely unfavorable replies I'd get. I have enough problems, and avoidance is sometimes the best answer. Try some SSRI depression meds, and that may end these thoughts if your numb enough. And pray if your very religious.

i consider myself a dedicated daughter of the Lord, but i know that if everything that the Bible said was God's Law, there wouldn't be enough time between now and when the earth blows up for me to redeem myself. from the Bible, I gather the lessons that it teaches about life and love and take the rest as antiquated social norms.

i can relate to the build-up that you experience before you masturbate; I also suffer from compulsive masturbation and can get turned-on from any number of things. no matter what I do i can't escape it. the only thing that has worked for me so far is to wait it out and pleasure myself as little as possible while going to therapy and talking about it. it's gotten better; before I started dealing with it, I would have to masturbate a few times a day, in any way possible. not necessarily to climax, but close enough to hold me off until I was alone. in classes, at work, almost every night before I went to bed. I would look at internet porn, fantasize, read erotic stories, look at pictures, anything, and it was all so secret and shameful. I kept everything stashed and also felt that my being attracted to someone was wrong.
since I've started dealing with it, though, I've realized that I may feel sexual towards a person but may not necessarily want to be in a relationship with them, and that's the key difference for me.
Keep your head up.

WEll, I guess I've had a real problem since puberty then. I still love porn, and developed what I'd call obsessive pleasure from experimentation masturbation. It was for all these years the only way I felt intense pleasure that I could never find anywhere else. Some people need more than what might be called "normal,,or what I call Whambam, Thank You maam" quickies. Sex to be enjoyed seems to carry the constant judgements of others if one dares exceed what others consider excessive needs. Most feel that routine sex is only for the purpose of having babies, and to find actual enjoyment of it on a regular basis, when possible, is like a sin. I have trouble sorting out just what contitutes "abnormal sex". I personally think it's beyond what society dictates as "normal". A lot of guilt seems to dominate this world where enjoyment of sex is concerned. Who is to judge those who are consenting adults who want more than what is considered the "normal" routine? To label it as some form of sickness is only true to some extent in the eye of the judge. But what goes on behind closed doors I would think should be mainly a very personal honesty with any mate before entering into a marriage that later fails due to too little discussion of sex before committing to what each really desires in that regard. I'll stop here. It seems most feel this is more an obsession when carried to almost any modest limits, and somehow becomes a religious criticism about what is "normal" vs just plain old prudeness preferred by some. No doubt if it's harmful, one must be very careful as to how far they go in sexual pleasures. It is thus very much a subject that has to be kept within one's private domain rather than open oneself up to wrathful condemnation of ALL socially accepted sexual established mores that run very short of some individual needs. Thus they are ridiculed, and stymied by even a slight excess of sexual enjoyment. Many things enter into this condemnation, but to be sure, it is a highly variable need that may well be carried out to excess, and the accused then feels absolutely filled with guilt by the naysayers. It's all about who is being destructive, and just who is justified in labeling a sexually active person with scathing criticism? If it involves destruction of a marriage, for example, the sexually active may well be hurting their lover and partner too much, or the reaction of a partner to more variety in a negative rebuttal causes equal harm in the relationship. The whole thing is very complicated, but inflicting harm is very much a thing to be avoided. The question may then arise, just what contitutes "harmful sex" and at what point is it truly a harmful deviant behavior? Many may argue all day about this sensitive subject. But if one truly becomes so filled with negatives about themselves, the obsession may well be a search for relief from the criticism. All this is very complicated IMO.

Goliad, you make several valid points. I'm heraing a lot of anger in your words....have you been harshly criticized/judged for your private sexual practices? This is a very complicated topic and I am actually surprised that there is this much discussion on it. You are happy with your sexual practices and that is fine. I make no negative judgement about you concerning this, period. prudes are goin to be prudes. My aim here was to open a discussion for others who were struggling in way similar to my own. Much of what you said in your last post directly addresses the very issues I struggle with. I don't know your sexual background(nor do I need to), but some of us had our sexuality shaped by criticism and judgement passed by parents and others who said that sex ws a 'sin' and that feeling sexual was wrong. Never mind that those who were saying this were gettin' it on just fine....Hopefully, through this discussion, each of us learns and grows in a way that is helpful to us. Take Care,

bfranc, there are a lot of guilt factors that drove you to what I think are relief methods that cause you to seek SOME kind of pleasure, and in many cases, stress relief is found in masturbation. Sex is one very enjoyable form of obtaining that relief and also for a short period of sensual enjoyment in a brief fantasy too many members of society would deny you. Who are they to fault you for your private needs that, when exposed, only gets you grief from any admission of what a prudish society has decided is a psychological "fault"? And, worse yet, label you as a "sinner" due to fanatical believe they seek allegedly from some scriptures? All this is subject to the biased interpretation of what society expects of you even in your own personal private life. Thus, the porn lovers out there, and those who might, God forbid, be allowed some physical relief from stress by an orgasm by hand, or other methods within the confines of their own private rights, in fact have their rights violated by all the judges out there who would condemn you with THEIR own beliefs. The truth is, IMO, that society is very biased againest what contitutes normal needs in those who have this inner drive to perform sexual acts that are not hurting anybody in the privacy of consensual sex that takes into consideration the actual CARING of a partner who might just need the same thing. Or if you find it through the sexy picture and fantasy of a harmless self induced orgasm to help relieve the stimulation of an active self-satisfying moment of stress relief, who is to judge you as somehow immoral in that act? I think it's very complicated, and compulsive sexual outlets have to be one method many find to give them satisfactory relief of stressors ever present in life. But there are some who would put you on a big guilt trip, and have you ingest daily amounts of psychotropic drugs which may well be far more harmful than a brief private sex relief, so as to numb your senses and risk the side effects of long term use of such drugs. Counseling a sexually active person to persuade them of the "wrongful" act of self indulged sex, and adding psychotropic drugs to the picture are just another form of biased society control.
They thus succeed in making your thoughts and needs for sexual release in an appropriate manner privately driven by their own demons of denial. Drugging people with active sex drives is NOT the answer nor should one feel compelled to seek drugs, and re-orientiation as demanded by a fanatic society bent on regulating your personal sex activity. Only when it is harmful to others, or somehow destructive to you in your own sense, is it proper to expose such an activity to the alternate ideas of others to rid yourself of perceived wrongful sex. But any discussion of this perceived "wrongful behavior" should be assessed by a professional and sympathetic healer with the caveat that such a "healer" is indeed possessed with his or her own ideas of what constitutes "normal" or "abnormal" sex drives, and just how much are these judges justified in making it wrong? The key here is just how much are you self-destructing or actually causing real harm to yourself or others? Many people have obsessions all their lives, without it necessarily being destructive to anybody. This is what I emphasize. The mores or morals of others may simply differ from yours, and to take away simple sexual pleasures that are not harmful is the big question here. To label anybody who masturbates as "sinful" is a great injustice in the name of those who would place and demand judgement punishments againest you that are uncalled for, and sinful in themselves. So each act you perform within the structure of your highly individual rights that pose no actual harm to a relationship, or yourself is a call YOU have to make without allowing the bias of others have it's own destructive effects by some other means of control. Control is a very devious thing, and you must be careful not to let others with ill will toward your needs force you into what is only THEIR satisfaction and their own hang-ups as to what you should be doing. That then only frustrates you into doing what others demand as more meeting THEIR perceived needs in controlling you. Who is right? Somebody else to control your emotions by in inquisition, and use of drugs to deny your normal instincts and needs, or you determining what is right for you? Guilt is the biggest used trip in life others would have you feel crucified for.

You have two issues here.
1. YOU see masturbation as bad.
So - you have a high sex drive - nothing bad in that. A purely physical thing is that the testosterone drives a man to want to release sperm. If a bloke does not have a woman to deposit it in, then masturbation is an options. It makes the physical release and causes the body to think it has done what it needs to do. Actually, you may be physically healthy.

2. Self hate. Seems to be a trait aggrevated by parents. Sort this out as a separate issue.


Lastly, IF you are in a relationship and you masturbate, and it distresses your partner, then you have a problem, and so does your partner. Big time. Some partners don't mind. some love it. I would not love it, but that is Me (and you don't have to put up with me and my likes and dislikes).

If you masturbate just before your partner wants sex, then she won't be right pleased. Promise.

But - all the lovely men I know masturbate. And they seem to think I want to know about it. (Why I would n't know). Hallelujah.

I don't see masturbation as fundamentally wrong or bad. I do feel I have an unhealthy relationship with sex and my own sexuality. I was sexually abused from the time I was eleven or so until I was well into my teens. My entire sexual identity was formed around this. For several years, I have been working at healing this part of me, but it seems like I have healed about as much as I am able. I cope the best I can.
I think I do have a high sex drive, and that is a complicating factor for me. I would rather just be done with the whole sex thing anymore. My circumstances are unlikely to yield any potential life partners, so I feel like "what's the point" anymore.
For me, masturbating is a necessity. it brings release, but it's an empty experience.

As for self-hate....You have a point. I have been working on that, but it is also difficult to change. It would help if I had a few friends, but everyone is so paranoid here in the US that it seems like the average women fears every man is a rapist and unless one is into sports, making male friends seems pretty much out of the question.
So, I guess I'll just keep yankin my crank and fantasize about how I would like my life to be.

Hi, look as embarrassing as it is, it is natural to feel aroused or "horny" 6 weeks is a long time to go without a (for want of a better word) wank. If it is really becoming a problem for you speak to your GP there are meds that reduce libido, HOWEVER, I would strongly recommend you see a mental health professional as you should not feel like masturbation is a sin and truth be told if it is, im going STRAIGHT to hell masturbation is a normal part of growing up and tbh just a really good way to pass the time and put a smile on your face at the same time :D in all seriousness I do suggest you see a mental health professional as I think that theres more than just 'that' is causing you a problem

Hi again, you have been through a rough upbringing, and I know exactly where you are coming from with the; "When I was a kid, I was taught that sex was a sin and that masturbating was an 'abomination to the Lord'. " Things we are taught as a child stick tight.

And no-one talks about it.

But I can assure you - I have a lot of male friends and two teenage boys - that every single bloke I know masturbates, and for the most part finds it an absolutely normal ordinary everyday thing and also stops them sleeping around with unsuitable partners.

You'll burst if you don'! I guess when you meet the right ladyfriend, and treat her right(gently does it) and enjoy sex (YES - ENJOY IT!!! Wheee!) the need to masturbate will almost disappear.

And here's another thing I've learnt - blokes - the majority - will still masturbate even in a good loving relationship. It is impossible for two people to be in the right place, at the right time ALL the time to satisfy their desires. So again, a release is natural normal and healthy.

Having said all this, if it goes on to the exclusion of sex in a relationship and gets between people, or you make it public in front of your partner when she is not comfy with it, or you use porn to get off.. then there will be big trouble ahead.

Good luck - but stop condeming yourself so much. And I think you absolutely right to explore the topic here and get other's opionions. They'll all be different, and hopefully the differences will show a wide picture and help.

Hi, Keziah--
Thanks for your input. It does help to get the opinion of others. Just talking about this here has helped. It has also helped a lot for teens to respond--I don't feel like I was the only one who had strong sexual urges and masturbated to relieve them when I was young. I lived in relative isolation when I was btween 10 and 17 years old, so I didn't have the experience of coming to age with peers. Talking here with the number of teens who responded with their own stories went a long way toward reshaping my own ideas about masturbation, sex drive, etc. I have appreciated the input of other adults, but it's the kids that have truly helped me without them even realizing it. My perspective is now much more like your own. It's not such a big deal anymore. I have other related issues, but even they are losing their power over me. That feels pretty good!
Thanks again:)