I don't think you are over-focusing at all, but you might be over-compensating. Trying to fill what you feel is an inevitable void in your life. You were taught from an early age that sex fills the gap, so you are trying to fill the gap with anything but sex.
Have you honestly looked in to a 12-step type program? I ask because, in my mind based on what you've written, you have not dealt with your own SA and SLA issues. You can't mask one with another. Being co-dependant and addicted is a dangerous mix, one that could cost you in the long run.
Think of his addiction as your "trigger". You can fill the void left in your life from his addiction with many things, but then your own addiction surfaces, pulling you further down. He sets you off, so to speak.
Perhaps it is time to get some type of help. SLAA is a wonderful way to deal with all of this, since they focus on exactly what you are dealing with. Co-dependency groups may help with some of it, but you honestly need to deal with your own addictions first.

Don't focus on him right now....focus on you.

Let me add this...I think that you are SLA (Sex and Love Addicted) based on what you've written. Past traumas can trigger this, and your husband's addiction has brought it back to surface again. Not being judgemental, just trying to be honest based on what you've written.

Robert,
I knew you'd be the one to respond!!! :-)

I've been told before that I needed to work out some workshops on the addiction side. But here's what i don't get. I don't think of myself as an addict as I can "turn it on and off" so to speak. BUT, then again, I do recall myself, early on in my marriage constantly wanting sex, even if I really didn't want it. But he was spent out on masturbating too much (before I found out about his SA) so it was a mess. I admit now, I did think things like I'd just get someone who will fulfill those needs but after I went to sleep the thoughts were gone. I know the thinking alone can be dangerous. My question is, can someone with SA actually turn it on and off like I do? I think most of it has to do with stability in the situation. In unstable relationships, I unfold and lose my morals easily, in stable relationships, I'm perfectly fine, until it goes unstable.

BUT another thought I had. Is my ability to control my thoughts of EA's is my current low self asteem. I think that's what's actually keeping me in check more than anything. So what happens when my self-esteem builds? Am I more capable or am I really just trying to go by my morals right now. So confusing.
I agree though, Having codependency and previous traits that could be (and I'm still unsure of my status as a SA, I guess maybe I don't want to believe it) is really taking a serious toll on me. I hear you say it's a dangerous combination, but how so? I'm a little curious as I don't know many who have both or what happens with both.

if it be the case that I am somewhat SA, isn't that a specific doom for my marriage then? It really lowers chances of either parties recovery I would think.

thanks so much for reading everything, I know, I can type a damn novel sometimes.

Write as much as you like...I'll read it. My own journals get to be extremely long at times.
First, I am no expert on this subject, just an addict who has seen a lot of different types of behaviors over the years. In another group forum, I met a lady who was working through her own co-dependency issues, and discovered that she was, in fact, SA as well as co-dependant. She has struggled with her husband's SA and with her own issues since. That's what I meant by "dangerous". Not physically as much as emotionally and mentally. Being in a constant state of confusion can wear you down quickly, and often your own SA issues re-surface from the stress of it all. I think that is why you have SA-type issues when you are in a bad relationship. The stress of it all brings out the SA inside of you. Addiction is not always constant...it can hide dormant for weeks, months, even years before re-surfacing. Only when you honestly face it and work through it can you finally be free from it.
I was, for a long, long time, convinced that I was addicted for life because of my inability to get free from it. I would go weeks or months without "acting out", but then I'd slip and go back to it again. Only when I made the decision to confront my SA and work through it could I finally be "free" from it. I still struggle with thoughts and desires, but I've been clean over a year now, so it is working.
I want to share more about this and answer your questions in greater detail, but I am short on time right now, I;ll try and post more later this evening.
For now, let me say that I think that you can work through this, you and your husband, He has to be willing to work through his own issues, but I honestly feel that a married couple who works through this togetner stands a great chance of getting past this and moving on. My wife has stuck by me throughout 20 years of my addiciton, and today our marriage is better than ever. It takes a lot of work, determination, understanding, and forgiveness to do it, but the end result is fantastic.

WOW.
I re-read everything and I think you are really on to something here. Stress can stimulate the addiction. I AGREE!! Looking at past patterns here's how sex often fit into my life, especially with my husband. We fight, I want sex, I found out about his SA, I wanted sex constantly in new shapes and forms with him (some of that was to just please him but the other half was stress sex) and even situations like specific porn or people who he would masturbate too, I would stimulate myself to that particular thing as well. The odd thing was that for a while and I still struggle with this, in order to achieve orgasm with him (sorry if this should trigger someone) was to replay situations that hurt me emotionally from him.

I can see how the stress in each of those situations would find arousal in me. hmph.

Now this is where I believe my love addiction comes in. The constant need for that "magical" feeling to be around. Well since the discovery, the "magic" is gone. I don't have that heightened high of "love" anymore. In my eyes, it's gone and not coming back, same with trust and respect so what do I have left in the marriage??? I'm constantly looking and dwelling on/for those magical moments, but that's no longer my reality.
And it makes me think of that craziness I always thought, that making love was this HUGE magical connection (more than the average person makes it out to be) and that we are somehow more connected than any other couple.

But when all the magic is gone, there is nothing left. That's when I usually turn tail and run, falling in love with yet again (the one, you know, the 50th one really) another person I JUST met. It's funny how many "ones" have been in my life, but how many actual ONES really have been.

I can see how sex addiction itself could have worked in my life by the amount of ....unprotected sex..I have had. Thus the sex was obviously more important than the risks. Now I'd like to tell myself I would never place myself in a dangerous situation setup for STDS or pregnancy again, but with the mistrust of my husband, deep down I want to have sex protected now. But I have never fallen thru with that either. So I must still be willing to play with that fire. Which makes me wonder deep down, how many fires am I still willing to play with?

Now the truth is, messy situations arise and I look for a cop out. I look for something else to bring back even a hint of happiness but I'm manipulating at the same time. Such as my husbands attempt for affairs. I can scream black and blue that it's wrong and a violation to the marriage, but the next day while thinking if he would or wouldn't do it again, I'm looking for someone else to satisfy me emotionally. And we all know that works down the line of physical satisfaction eventually. So now I'm no better than him right? But that's not my natural state. Prior to the discovery of his SA, any thoughts of infidelity I may have had were like quick seconds and then gone. Not thought about again. Now, it's a serious battle, whether it be retalliation, the need for emotional involvement, real unhappiness or really needing that "magic" from somewhere, I have no idea. I'm just worried that one day the possibility of a real affair may arise. How many times can you just "think" about something until something clicks and you do it?

Right now I'm just a disaster, between the sex/love issues, co-addiction, co-dependency and depression, I've fallen into a completely numb state. I've now developed a dependency on food to make me feel better. My kidney went a little haywire on me for 3 days, and my hairs been falling out.

Talk about going to the hole.

And to think, I laughed when they said health problems can arise with all these.

Anyhow, I have such respect for you. I am quite eager for your response this evening, or whenever. You bring out the bravery in me with all this.

I am going to reply to this by private message...it's been a busy couple of days, so forgive my tardiness in finishing the earlier post. I'll be sending a message shortly.

wow, thank you so much for sharing this!
i could really relate a lot!

SLAA??
sex/love Addiction Anonymous ?

i've often wondered why they don't have a workaholic community here... maybe cuz they figure none of us would use it =p

i used to party everyday... i needed to stop so that i could stand on my own feet in the world. I needed to get out of an abusive home-life, and NEVER rely on another living soul... so now all i do is work work work.... i'm afraid to go out. I made a deal with friends, BRING ME HOME no matter what. But they have no clue why.... =/

I don't think your focusing on yourself too much either. The best thing you can do for your little girl is to take care of yourself....and get your head in the right place. And you seem like your already well on your way there =]

I guess i don't really have any advise to ad, but i wanna send some support your way. Life can be so crazy sometimes...i'm sorry that your going through this.

Interesting, Informative, and more?

okay, i read through all the replies to this thread.
wow,...so helpful! thank you both.
I'm sorry your going through this =/
and yeah...i think it is always so confusing and intricate!
i was engaged to a porn addict and went through a lot of similar stuff. I'm not sure if it was that situation or not... i know they say once a cheater always a cheater. But i also had a bit of infidelity issues there. That is the only time i've had trouble with it. I told myself, he's cheating on me...s why can't i? I think it just got to the point where my addiction had gotten too far beyond his? not sure...

SLAA = Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. A great program patterned on the AA 12-step approach. SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous),SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and SLAA are all great programs. Each one deals with sex and porn addiction, and the SLAA deals more with sex and love addiction and how they tie together. You can be an SA and not an SLAA, but if you have problems with sex and love,SLAA is geared to address the bigger issues involved with love addictions.

A lot to react toI respect your forthrightness and honesty. I see many parallels. Like you, due to the abuse, I never really understood the healthy connection between sex and love. I continue to work on connecting the twomy hope and greatest desire is to experience sex and intimacy in the same moment. You articulated something that has always shamed me, something that Ive always known but tried to hide fromwhich is, sex within my relationships has never been as pleasurable or come anywhere near the intensity that I had from the early experiences. It was extremely frustrating to me that I couldnt fully enjoy and be fulfilled through just normal sexual relations with my love partners. Thus, I would find ways (fantasy and/or role play etc) of making it wrong in order to create the intensity and passion of early experiences. For me, the most damaging and damning aspect of the abuse has been the disconnect it caused between sex and its direct connection with the expression of love. Sex for me has been about lust not love. I feel ashamed even as I write this I continue to try and make that link. Becoming sexualized at an early age before we are emotionally and physiologically ready has such a devastating affect on our development that endures a lifetime for many of usit is sad, or at least sad to me, when the most coveted thing is just to make love.

I was encouraged to know that through your commitment and love for your husband you were apparently able to put all that behind you and experiencing love and sex in a new way.I cant imagine the depths of your sadness and rage when you found out the deception. That had to be devastating. If and its a big if but if there is good to come out of thisit is your knowing that things CAN be different. It can because it was for you. Having it ripped away, is beyond unfair and I am so sorry. No, you cant or mustnt go backfor your daughters sakebut also your own.

You have much insight and good understanding of thingsyou have connected important dots in the puzzle that is you. That understanding is crucial to your being able to move forward and not back. Yes I suppose one means of dealing with your demons is to keep yourself so busy and distracted, you have no time for anything other than being a mom and all the activities you structurebut as you say, theres always the possibility youll burn out. I doesnt have to be that way. You have grown and matured. You are not the same in many ways as before. You mentioned being a full time student.I assume it will result in your degree and starting a new a career? Much of your prior destructive behavior (the abuse notwithstanding) probably stemmed from poor self esteem and lack of direction. You are wiser now. Your child brings meaning and purpose for your life. Working toward and obtaining your degree will increase your self esteem and provides direction.I encourage you to focus on these positives and just take it one day at a time. If possible find a good counselor and/or get involved in a support group. I know youre experiencing a lot of pain and confusion right now and youre frightened youll regress but fears aside, you sound like youre on a healthy path to me. I think youre going to be just fine. Good luck to you and if I can help or support you in anyway, just let me know. Sorry this is so darn long! LOL

I don't have any real knowledge to offer like the others - but I do want to say that I think it is great that you are motivated for your daughter's sake to solve this problem now. I also think that it's great to seek understanding, but you might get bogged down in analysis when you really need to take action to get some support in place before any more stress comes along. You've understood the problem as being your acting out. Eventually you will know exactly why, and how to fix it for good, but now you really just need to make sure that you do not get in a position of risk any more. I really am happy for you that you are seeking the responsible route. You are on the right track.

Wow this has really turned into such a topic. I'm glad that what I feel as an embarrassment to myself touches close to home to other people, perhaps we can all get it sorted out or atleast grab an understanding.

For those who responded, I am currently not in school. Infact, I dropped out in 9th grade after some major slacking off and when my grandparents both fell very ill. They were my primary caretakers at the time. I went to obtain my GED and failed the math by a few, only to turn around and lose my scores, resulting in me having to take the test over again completely. Fast forwarding to now, I never did retake it and now have much to learn as I have forgotten so much. the plan is to get it now and do something with my life.

I am still with my husband, we are still married and trying to work things through. In honestly, the outlook is grim. He is on a more severe level of SA and has been this way for a majority of his life. Right now, I do not believe he is in the healthiest of recoveries, but he knows the consequences so it's up to him what he does now. He is not the focus of my issues.

I can see how the sex/love addiction is really correlating in all this. And now I know just exactly how my husband resurfaced my own "darkside" with discovering his SA. Going from 100% in love and happiness to the level of deception and betrayal we have, it brought a sinister side of me. For all the ads he posted searching for sex, fake email accounts, etc, I made on too. But not looking for a sexual encounter, but because the sinister aspect of betrayal now felt good to me. I was very much sexually excited with matching up the level of betrayal I feel. I somehow, managed to be excited with both emotionally and thoughts of physical pain. Such as during intimate moments, I would think of the things that hurt me emotionally, it would gratify me. It moved up to thoughts of him slapping me during sex, down to describing what he would do/feel like if he were with another women. This was obviously self torture as I am surely not a swinger. So far only one professional ( his former counselor) could give some insight into it, just saying I did that because I was immature. Real helpful there, I was pretty healthy (or atleast acting healthy) before the SA discovery, it was after that all these things started flooding about.

But seeing where love addiction fits into all this is the biggie. And I will go ahead and go the great lengths of embarassment to show my example of just how love addicted I am. Every relationship I have been in, I have been in love with (or that false sense of love) immediately. If I had an interest in someone who did not have an interest in me back, I was in love. Everyone was the "one" at some point. I was entered into these very deep and intense relationships (in my mind anyways) with these people almost instantly. Infact, me and my husband were engaged the same month we met. Looking back, I can honestly see I only accepted the engagement because he was willing. There was no real feelings of wanting to marry him. Just the act of. I have gone as far as a sense of stalking, not the hiding in your bushes kind, but with the means of driving around that persons neighborhood or around places I know they hang out. I'm thinking this would constitute as some form of stalking since the results meant are to see that person, even if the travel is a ridiculous amount of miles away. I never noticed this trait until just now and my mind, it was never "stalking" but I'm assuming it is to a degree. This has not been done with everyone but probably more people than I can count on one hand.

Now love addiction seems to be taking precedence over the sex addiction because when in doubt with my marriage. I seek out strictly emotional affairs from people in (usually) other states. I'm not interested in the physical affair (and I have no idea why) but would rather fulfill those feelings of love at it's most intense. This seems to gratify me the most as I am committing the sinister act of something as small as a secret email account (which ties into the hurt and betrayal of my husband having a secret account at one time) and looking to fill the emotional void and loneliness I feel. Have I lost anyone yet? In dealing with affairs with love/sex addiction I go one or two routes. Either it's the emotional intense affair with ultimate love highs, which eventually lead to sex to keep the relationship intact, or it's the sexual affairs where I feel gratified of making a "victim" because someone would be used as much as I feel. Such as, with retaliation to my own screwed up feelings towards my husbands wishes to have had an affair, I would choose a married man so "someone else has to feel like shit, like I do". I'm maximizing gratification by matching pain again. It all comes down to a sinister high.

Whew. I hope this makes sense to someone. Seeing all the "sinsiter" stuff, you'll likely think I'm an a-hole. Really I'm not. I'm more of a nurturing saviour kind of person until I've been violated. In which, I take the deception and betrayal of my marriage as a HUGE violation which set me back to a sinister state.

I understand the correlation between sex and anger or frustration. It's all in the emotional ties between the two. They say that love and hate are closely related, separated only by our perceptions of each. In the same way, I believe that sex can be "triggered" the same way. We all experience sexual feelings within our perception of love, and the emotions that anger bring out can also trigger the same feelings, such as what you describe. That would certainly lead to a sex and love addiction, or more precisely, an addiction to the emotions that come from anger and happiness. It seems that yours are tied to the anger side of your emotions.....is it possible that your past "abuse" is triggering these feelings?
I can remember having similar feelings for a time several years ago. I would get angry at my wife, or angry and/or stressed out over a situation at work, and I would turn to masturbation as a way to relieve the stress. It became THE way I dealt with it all. Pretty soon, I would intentionally get angry just so I could feel good. Imagine, finding ways to get in a fight or purposely create a stressful situation just so I could masturbate!
It took a long time to get past doing that.
Even now I have to resist the urge to immediately grab my wife and have sex if we argue or fight. The strong emotions become arousing to me, and I lose control.
I think that a lot of the problem lies in the way we process emotions. The avreage person can separate emotions into different catagories, but we all too often process emotions and link them to sex. Anger, love, confusion, stress, love,hate......all become jumbled in our minds, so we lump everything together and call it sexual tension. We become addictied to emotions, I think.

In the end, I'm not 100% sure why I feel the way I do, and I'm not sure why you are triggered by "negative" emotions, but isn't it safe to assume that it is all a part of an addictive nature and thereby you actually do have a sex and love addiction? Could your past be triggering you to respond this way? And, if your husband's infidelities / porn addiction bring this out so strongly in you, isn't it possible that you are trying to process it all by using sex to "deal" with everything?
Sometimes, I wonder if more people are this way, and just won't admit it. Maybe that's why so many people have sexual flings when they catch a spouse having an affair or cheating with others. Maybe, instead of "getting even", they just can't process the emotions of it all in any other way, so they have sex to deal with the emotional aspects of it all.