Welcome. You've taken a big step by admitting to yourself and us what is happening and that you want to change. I know you can get some help up here. Writing it all down can be very helpful, if you don't want to do it here, maybe in your journal.

My heart goes out to you. I can tell you're in a lot of pain. First, I would say you really need to get some professional help for what was done to you as a child. You will never fully move on until you deal with it straighton. Maybe through a counselor or therapist.

Secondly, masturbation is not a dirty thing in and of itself. It is part of human nature. I would say most guys and many girls do this from teenage years on. I'm guessing that the "you feeling dirty" part comes from what was done to you as a young child. Now THAT was dirty. But sex in general is not. Thats not how it was made to be.

Before you go with anymore of your life, stop and deal with this now. You already have made the first step here and I think you are so brave. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You sound like a great guy and I will be praying for you. That you find the answers you are looking for and the continued courage to deal with things. Best of wishes!

Well as far as writing goes I will sit down and start to write knowing what I want to say but then as I write it things change and I will write rambles and random parts and it is very poorly written and doesn't usually make much sense. Like there is so much I could write but it all get mixed up in my head.


As far as professional help goes at this stage of my life I don't want to go public. I am 17 years old, soon to be 18, a senior in high school so I am still living with my parents. Honestly I don't want them to know. I especially worry because I was molested by my cousin and if I tell I can't really prove it now I have my story of what happened but no hard proof. It could cause problems in the family assuming he will deny it and some will side with him and some will side with me.

The masturbation thing is bad for me like it isn't always for pleasure I am just addicted to it. Like last night I did it to get to sleep and I didn't even enjoy it the room was hot and gross and it just didn't feel all that great but I had to do it so I could fall asleep, it took me like and hour and a half of doing it before I feel asleep and then I ended up waking up at 3 am anyway.

Whenever I climax though I go from my highest sexual peek to nothing. Like I feel like I have to personalities you catch me in a normal mood and I am not interested in sex at all it isn't anything I want. I have strong morals and I want to wait I don't even let girls kiss me because I don't want anything sexual in a relationship unless we are a couple. So basically I go from craving sex but into that mood and it just feels so wrong. When I do masturbate I do it for a long time, sometimes 2-3 hours because I love the feeling and I know when I climax I will go into a depressing mood.

I don't know if I want therapy though because I can never heal all of my of wounds. When I burry the feelings I honestly think I am a great guy in public like I have no problems and a very good reputation for it. It is just the nights with the mood swings and masturbation that I am concerned about. Mainly because if I get married obviously I don't want to be doing that. Plus when I started talking about the abuse it brought out strong feelings of rage for me and publically it showed earning me a nickname, "Psycho"

Well, I will stand behind you no matter what you decide. But know this - if you dont' deal with it now, it will continue to get worse. It will build and build like a virus and cause you major and/or bigger problems in the future. I personally wouldn't give a shit who believed you and who didn't. You need to do this for you. You need to care about yourself more than anyone. At the end of the day, you are the only one that can change your destiny.

After reading your second insertion, it sounds like it is a "comfort" thing for you. Probably b/c it was part of you at such a young age. Again - you do what you need to do. But I would strongly suggest you taking this head on. Don't let it dominate you anymore. Dont' let anything control you but you. But I'll be supportive no matter what you decide.

welcome to DS. I just want to say first off, your courage in posting about your past is amazing and inspiring to me. You should be proud of yourself, this is a big step.
I'm sorry for what you have gone through, it's horrible =[ I was molested as a child as well, and am only now seing the connection to my Self Injury and Sexual Addiction.
I agree, writing helps a lot! I do the same thing with random rambles and rants. It's okay though, it still helps to write it all down...b/c you can look back on it in a few day, weeks or even yrs and it will give you some insight. So ramble on as much as you want or need to, and here as well. Other people's stories help me so much, and i am truly grateful for the the people who have shared them with me.

If this is something that you don't like, and see as a problem for you...then i think it is valid and you should pay attention to that. I can also identify with what you said about feeling like two different ppl. Normally i do think i have a pretty high moral standing,...and over the yrs have lied to myself a lot in order to make this addiction fit into those morals [i believe i still o this].

You've found a great group of ppl here, very wise and caring...so don't be afraid to reach out. I hope that things do start to improve for you, wether or not you decide to tell your story to your friends/family. I just want to add, that you can see a therapist with out talking to your family about these issues. As long as you are not in danger or endangering others they have to respect your privacy.

jndoe: I wouldn't say I have courage honestly I feel like I am just so desperate now that nothing else matters.

For therapy though that will still cost me money and honestly I don't think I am willing to spend it. I don't want to have to pay someone to keep me sane. Plus I may be dubbed as a hazard to people around me. I have slipped into some very bad phases lately earning myself the nickname "Psycho" with some people and when they said it I loved it and embraced it. I have not hurt anyone badly though my intentions were rather violent.

Flutterby has been very helpful so far though :)

i know what you mean.... i don't have health insurance, and frankly need to save as much money as i can to get out of an unhealthy home life. Stopping abuse is my priority right now...sure i could move in with some guy. . . but i know that would be an even worse situation [thanx to DS]. So i understand that it's not the thing for everyone...

I hope you get things sorted out, hang in there k?

I also don't have health insurance. I am not sure why because my parents can afford it but they never got it. Which was very surprising to me because I have played sports and I always wondered why they never wanted to take me to the hospital. Like I have had a few bad sicknesses and never gone and I have broken a few toes and just had to wait it out. Then I found out we didn't have it when I requested to a surgery for an issue I have.

Right now I don't really have a specific kind of current abuse. My personality doesn't make me the victim that much but I am still haunted by past things. It is so weird to describe though sometimes I feel 100% fine others I feel so far from it I go up and down all the time randomly.

I am glad DS has helped you with things.

You hang in there too :)

Spluckle,
I can't respond as well as others have to all the things you have brought out, but I am paying attention and I think you are brave.
One thing I did want to say is that not having health insurance for a child when you can easily have it, and not taking a child to hospital for a broken bone, almost sounds like neglect. It sounds very odd. Maybe this is a factor in your wanting to try to sweep it all under the rug. You were taught to do that with your needs.

i recently came across a post on the sexual abuse community that surprised me. there are rape crisis centers, and they are free. apparently it does not have to be recent abuse, most of the ppl that go to the center are there for abuse as children [not just specifically rape]. this was canada, but i think they would have them here...?

Thriver: I am not sure if it was truly neglect like when I broke the bones they weren't like bending in other directions though I could not bend them and they were very swollen. My big toe would probably have been the worst though were I broke it playing floor hockey when I was slashed in the foot and it hurt all summer and into the beginning of the school year. I still can't bend it 100% though only like 75%. But what I am saying was when I broke them though I did show my parents I was never showing extreme pain so I assume they figured it wasn't a priority. With the exception of that one big toe the others did heal properly though I still have some scars and blood under the toenails, gross.

My dad always used to push me to suck up pain though and not show much emotion. Like I admit as a kid I was very emotional I would cry very easily and I recall a few times were we would have a small fight and I would cry and he would kind of taunt me about crying which just made me angry to the point were I did nearly go after him with a knife once but what he said did sit in my head and I am not one to demand medical attention unless I am completely disabled which has really never happened.

There was one case though when I was in 7th grade. I had something that looked like a stroke though I never went to the hospital so I don't know exactly what it was. I had bad pain in one of my ears so I took some painkillers or something and when I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth I felt like a weird feeling in my ear though it didn't hurt and I put my finger to my ear and I pulled it back wet though it wasn't blood. What happened though I believe was my ear drum ruptured because I lost hearing from my ear for like 2-3 weeks and for the next 1-2 weeks I had crap leaking out my ear, I would wake up and my pillow would be soaked in it. When this happened though that made it look like a stroke was I lost full control of the left side of my face. I could blink and stuff but that was it I could hit myself in the face and barely felt it, no pain. I could barely talk though and I looked stupid. I stayed home for 2 weeks from school because of it and I didn't eat I lost a lot of weight and had to take pills and stuff I just sat in bed all day. My parents made me go back to school though after the 2 weeks. My hearing was kind of back and the stuff stopped leaking out my ear though my energy was very bad when I went back to my sports teams I couldn't keep up. My face was still completely numb on the side so I did get teased by friends though I admit it did hurt my feelings they still joke about it today. I didn't have much motivation for a while so my grades did suffer. It took about 2 more weeks in school before I got my energy back and my face started to go back to normal.

jndoe: I have not heard of them though I assume I could look. Though I admit I would probably not go until I graduate because I don't want to risk my parents finding out. Thanks for mentioning it :)

I'm sorry, I do not mean this to be a parent bashing. But what the f***??? Any decent parent would take their kid to the doctor or the emergency; room in a case like this. Even if you didnt' like doctors. Stuff just doesn't leak out of your ear! And then your face go numb? Let you (or the fact by this point you had to) lay out of school for 2 whole weeks? Then you still go back not totally healed and get teased? What is wrong with them that they wouldn't help to take pain off of their sick child? Somethings wrong here. I hope I didn't make you mad in saying it, but it needs to be said!

flutterby: It's okay what you said, I understand. I am just confused now. I honestly see my parents as good people but they have different standards. I don't know I never felt like they didn't love me but when I look at everything I don't know. Like when I was sick my mom did try to take care of me and she did pray for me a lot. One of my friends moms is a doctor and she did come over to look at me and she wanted me to go in and have tests done but my parents didn't do it. Whenever I bring up hospital stuff though they never take me because she says she doesn't trust them and brings up stuff on how like people or relatives have died after surgery and such. She trusts the supernatural and God more then the natural and man.

With college to they didn't save up anything for it so if I did go I am not sure if I would have to pay for myself but I wouldn't be able to do that I just can't handle school and work though they are pressuring me to take over the family business and become a minister or something though I admit I am not that attracted by it.

I am just confused. I have thought about running away a few times just to get away but I have no were to go. I feel like I am a disappointment.

you deserve to be treated better. *hugz* i'm sorry your in this situation, it's got to be very difficult.

jndoe: Honestly I don't think my life is really that bad. Like sure I have the few bad things but my parents were careful with me like they would watch over me and censor me from bad shows and they don't drink or anything. I even have a lot of nice things many kids can't afford, an expensive car, a room full of expensive things, a closet with expensive clothes. I feel like I should be happy and grateful but I am just not... I don't know how to describe it