Like many searching for answers to life's biggest and smallest problems, I’ve turned to the internet for assistance. After scouring through search engines, articles, and "self-help" pages I'm left with more questions than answers. I'll try to keep it short and to the point, although I know it takes time to work things out and things like this should not be rushed. My girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch and I think it could be because of her self-described separation issues steaming from the traumatic departure of her father. She doesn’t agree with this and refuses to delve deeper into it as even a possibility.
We just celebrated our one year anniversary and had been dating for a long time before that, I'd say 5-6 months. We met through work when we weren't looking. She's wonderful and full of life and I care for her deeply. Her separation issue began with her father leaving the family to start a new life when she was young, leaving behind her mother and siblings. Her siblings do not share the same sentiment that i know of. As she has said, she has friends but no one that she considers a best friend. It seems as though she kept friends at arm’s length. If ever a disagreement or falling out, she was fine with walking away because she knew they'd always come back, almost as if they learned just what they lost and run back. On the other hand, if they decided to leave she would pointing out their faults and cast aspersions to other friends, then she was consumed with try to deciphering why they left and the feeling rejection. If she reached out first, which she rarely ever did, and they didn't reciprocate she would be crushed by the rejection.
In regards to our relationship, she feels that we are in a "part time" relationship, meaning she talks to me over the phone more than I am there. I go visit throughout the week, usually Tuesdays and Thursdays, after work for a few hours before she goes to bed, and on weekends I spend the night at her place. Early on I used to spend some time with my married friends; known them from over 10 years and they were like family to me. I would have my time after work, weekends with my girlfriend, and maybe a dinner or drink with my friends once during the week. She didn’t like that I would go spend time with my friends at a local restaurant without telling her. I admit I wasn’t used to telling someone where I’m going all the time so that was a new habit I picked up. Her reason was because of emergency, in case she needed to get a hold of me or if I were in an accident or if my phone died. Then she would be upset that I would go without her, as if we didn’t want her there. We live about 30 minutes away, and my friends were in the neighborhood. I should mention that she has a son. At the time she was not completely happy with her job and looked to get to her sanctuary as soon as possible. In my thought processes, I thought I’d spare her from all that driving just to hangout for an hour and that weekends were better suited for get-togethers when we had more time. Things ended bad with those friends over a disagreement involving my girlfriend and a beer.
Friends removed, I had only one thing to focus on and that was our relationship. Although I still hope to mend fences I do not hold a grudge or harbor any resentment. As our relationship continues the next steps, moving in and also purchasing a home. For me, these steps are much more involved and require a lot of moving parts. Her rational is that prices are going up and we need to buy in her area because she refuses to buy anywhere else and for her son to stay in the school district. She works in the mortgage department at a bank so she may have more insight than most but that a different story. She jumps back and forth with moving to her one bedroom with her son to save money or go right in to buying a home. I told her we need to plan it a little better, creating a budget, saving, before even moving in. I said I prefer to live closer to work, and would like certain things for the house after hearing her “must haves”. She scoffed at my preferences and told me I was being unrealistic. I said we could get what we both want if we moved more north, more bang for the buck. Angrily she then gave me grief about needing to know my credit history and all, as it turns out I’m in far better shape than she is. After that her tune changed. Now she was looking in other areas to live.
Our present issue now came up this past weekend when I was leaving Sunday night. She suggested that I stay over a day or two during the week. I said I need time to plan out my routine, going to the gym and all that to pick the best day so I suggest Tuesdays would be best since I take the day off. It seems as though that wasn’t good enough that I suggested something and needed preparation. She has now said that she doesn’t want her and her son to be an inconvenience from my normal routine. That I shouldn’t even bother worrying about it. She then goes on to say that it feels like the only way she interacts with me is by phone and “only sometimes there.” I do feel like I make all the effort since I’m driving all the time and sleeping over at her place. On the weekends her son does go with his dad so it’s not like we always have to be at her place, in her area, close to her friends. She says she just misses me.
I’ve tried to read up on symptoms or behavior habits of someone who is affected by ASA but I’m still unsure. I don’t believe she has severe ASA but I do feel she shows some slight symptoms. It seems to me that she must always be in control, that anything different is uncomfortable or even wrong. Even when she gives up control she is uneasy and critiques. She needs to go to a specific grocery store for fear that she won’t know where everything is. At work, when someone says anything that doesn’t agree with her view or sends a rebutting email she feels attacked and insist on proving that person wrong. When I speak to her at the end of her work day she’s usually still upset and how she got back at them. I tell her to pay it no mind, that it’s more work to argue and type out an email proving herself right than it is to move on since they really don’t matter to getting her job done. At home, she says she just wants me there, just knowing that I’m there is enough for her. I almost feel like she wants me to be a piece of furniture, just so that she can come in to the living room or bed room and know I’m there and nothing else. A form of control that she needs to make sure nothing is missing.
At this point I’m just not sure and am fearful for our relationship. We have gone through rough patches before and every time I feel like I’m the one that has had to change or done things to fix the situation. It’s gotten to the point that I feel like I’m enabling and would rather her have things her way to make her more comfortable. It’s like walking on egg shells with every little thing. I know this is a long read and may not even be ASA related but any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Dazed and confused.