I was manic yesterday and hardly slept a wink, woke up today still a bit manic. I walked into the chiroprators office and there was a young girl there with a little baby and it was like I ran into a brick wall. Now I feel severly depressed. I feel like no matter how much infertility treatments I put myself through I am never going to have a child. And I don't understand why?! What is so wrong with me that i don't deserve a child? I feel like a horrible failure. I want to cut so bad! But then if I cut after I will feel worse cuz I will have failed even more! And then I would hurt my husband and fail more! It's like a never ending vicious cycle and I feel like I will never be happy and the one thing that helps only complicates things more. But I don't know if I can make it through it without it this time. I've thought about cutting my wrists...I tried a couple of weeks ago but my husband stopped me. I also swallowed a handful of aspirin....I don't want to get to that point again but I feel like if I can't have a child then there is no point in living. Now I know that there is, I know that I have my husband and family and that people need me, but I still feel that way! This is so hard for me because I have a hard time asking for help. I love to help others but I do not like to accept help. I feel like I should be stronger than this. The weird thing is I don't think that if anyone else needs help that they are weak or anything, I applaud them and think that it is great that they are reaching out. But for me, I should not need help. I should be able to do everything prefect the first time! And I know that is ridiculous and impoissible but I still feel that way. It's like I low simple expectations for the world, but when it comes to me I have to be perfect the first time and everytime...
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