well i mean.. at this moment idk what to say to you.. ive been cutting for 9 years... and well.. i have the addiction to physical pain.. idk maybe talking will help.. if you want you can message me or something

ita going to be a both..what you really need to do is go talk withsome sonn...its going to get worse and i know i have been there before message me if you ever want to talk

if ur like me and talking doesnt help, then weean yourself of it. do it less and less and replace it with other stuff, so a 2 light slashes, and then draw a picture. ext.
hope ur ok, im here if you need a rant or whatever xxxxxx

ok you sound just like me 20 years ago. You dont have a sick twisted obsession. You are a victim. What you do, what we all do who si, is attack ourselves, emotionally(feeling stupid fat ugly worthless ect) and we attack ourselves physically also. This is learned behavior. What that means is someone taught it to us. That would be our abuser or abusers. The perp who started all our suffering. Honestly you are no more at fault for ur cutting than you are at fault for being abused in the first place. We think its our fault, it isnt. You are a wonderful caring kind human being, if u werent none of this would bother you at all. You are hurting as much as you care, which means you care alot. But your hands have not replaced ur perps hands. Today you are your own abuser and you have complete access to your victim(youself). This behavior is taught and learned. It has to be taught to be unlearned. Please read my journal entries. Si isnt a release or a form of coping, it is a monster that wants ur blood and pain and misery and ur life. It wont be satisfied till it kills you. When we cut we feed the monster. The more we feed it the stronger it becomes. Remember it wants you dead. I want you alive. I want you happy and peaceful and content and secure and loved. You can be but you have to walk with me, with others like me we do not feed the monster. We see its lies it promises us comfort but its a lie. It is like a drug that we want again. Its promises entice us and we cut, it feeds off our pain and misery and grows stronger but always makes us more and more miserable each time we cut or si. There is so much more I want to share with you. You have to stop feeding the monster. No cutting for any reason, and if it does happen, just become that much more determined to live apart from it. I havent cut or si'ed for 8 years. I did for 32 years. I practiced si in so many ways I had more than 50 differnent forms i used. I am multiaddicted. I have 11 addictions. I am in recovery today and have been free from them all for over 8 years. Be encouraged. There is Hope. YOu can become free. It does take time. It does take patience. It is not easy. It is our only choice if we want to live. Please add me if you like, and i encourage you to continue posting and making journal entries and write on tis site when u want to cut, but chose not to at all times when you can think clearly enuff to chose. I will be here for you as much as i can. Please be gentle with yourself. You are loved. You are lovable. There is an explaination for everything you have suffered. Better things are possible. Dare to Hope. DAre do believe. I am living proof it is possible. I will never give up on you. I need you.

Thank you guys for being so supportive and understanding. I have tried everything I can think of to clear my mind, to avoid this exact thing.... talking for me doesn't help cause the next time it happens it make it 10 times worst, I fly in to an angry rage.... several times I have been so angry I was shaking and that made me cry which made me more angry.... just an endless cycle. I have tried writing in my journal... I wrote 80 pages in a little over a month. I wrote in my journal just shorty before I gave in last night. The thing that always ends up coming out is how much I really want to die! Yesterday it was all about how my grandfather is the one that loves life so he should be the one living and how much I wish I was the on the was dying. My boyfriend is the only one that really knows what happened last night.... he's the only one that really knows what goes through my head, well at least what I understand of it.....

I still don't know what the cause is.... I wasn't sexually abused as a child or anything. I do know that this ain't the first time that I've hurt myself now that I think of it but the other times were just to see what it felt like not cause I was angry or upset... It seems like the more I try to work on my problems the more problems I seem to have...