Sorry I was not on for those who needed me yesterday. I've been dealing with issues since this past Thursday. Thursday I had a relapse. That day, I was told on by my friend, Raven, to Stephen. The following day, I was pissed that my directing part didn't go well. I had also found out by old guy friend that one of my teachers like like him. Both days, I went through a shitty mood. Where I hated me, my singing voice, my body, and so on. The weekend well the two days played a part. I did manage my mom to go to the Women's Lunchon at church, but after we left it was back to the same things.

Saterday evening my dad and I went out for a bite to eat and I talked about him telling him that mom is not supportive about me moving out, but he then said that he didn't. I asked him "why?" He said that I have no clue on what I'm doing and that he think I'm not mature or resposible. I'm thinking what the fuck, you tell me that I'm mature and wise beyond my years and that you trust me more than any another adult. He is the one who was trying to get me move out for college. I told him that I was going to go through a program to help teens and young adults to learn this kind of stuff and help with various other needs. But still he felt the same, which was the same thing with my mother.

Then on Sunday, I had a fight with my little brothers. I had overheard them saying things and these things they were drawing on them. I told them that I was going to tell on them if they didn't tell our parents or say sorry, but they didn't, so I told on them. Afterwards, they kept hitting, spitting, and making fun of me saying things like "die bitch," "Hoe," "Fat ass," and so on. I kept telling them to stop, but they didn't, so I went to my parents. My parents didn't do anything, so I spanked them. My parents then stepped in then. They told me that I had no right to do anything and that if I did something next time I was not going to live here anymore that I would have to move out.

So Monday night I didn't go home because I needed to watch out for myself. So I spent most of the day working on finding a place to stay, but most places that the school used was for 17 and younger and the rest was places like wierd shelters, but my friends stepped in and let me stay at their house that night. So needless to say my parents are pretty pissed right now.

Today, wow, today, some of ya'll might be proud. Today, I got really emotional while we were talking about Depression because Stephen(teacher) said "Depression kills you." My friend, Shaney, asked me what was wrong. I told the whole class that "it does kill you and that sometimes you feel like you can't do anything." This girl said "no it doesn't" He then came to ask everyone when did or the last time you felt depressed and I automaticly thought about my SI.

So when it came to me I said pass and asked Stephen if I could go to the bathroom. So I did. I used the toilet and stood there crying thinking I could cut (was holding my emergancy razor). Shaney came in and asked me what was going on? So I told her about my SI and that I wished I had never started. She said "baby you have no need to do that. You are a wonderful person." We then talked about my problems and she used some of her parts of life saying that she cries and that she knows that God put her on this Earth to do something. She then gave me a hug telling me that she is there for me. After I was calmed down we both went into the classroom.

In the classroom, I thought I seriously reached rock bottom and realized what I needed to do for my healing to begin. After class, I gave Stephen my razors and told him to get rid of them for me. When I gave him the razors, he said "wow" pause "okay." I feel so much lighter because it was my emergancy razors I that I gave him.

The reason I felt I had reached rock bottom was because I had cut when I felt good, bad, and indifference. I was cutting twice a day at school and had put over 70 marks in one time. I felt like it was one thing that was weighing down me with my depression and personal healing. I don't know if that made any sence.

I'm hoping when my new marks heal enough that I will tell the students in the peace circle if I reach one month mark. Tell my parents after the holidays. I know I will overcome a pervail with the healing and everything. God must have had me to do this because he will make sure I will overcome this and to help others.

My plan is to have my friend draw a butterfly on the top of my hand and name it SAVE, so I would use The Butterfly Project method. I will then write, sing, snap rubberbands, and hold ice or snow. If I still tempted I will call Stephen.