Hey all. Me Sandy. I posted once a while back that my therapist wanted me to try to put a rubberband on my wrist and pop myself as hard as I can when I think about cutting. Well..I was pretty mellow when I got there and finally told her its not working. Shes so sweet and looks confused. She said why? Its another safer form of pain. I said yes but you dont get it, Im not walking around all day thinking hhmm...let me go cut myself. I told her its a moment. A mood. It creeps in at odd hours. After days of stress and stuffing feelings, and pretend smiling, and secretley crying, and feeling guilty for saying no to your nephew and yes to an extra peice of cake. Its a sudden impulse. I will lie in bed sometimes and all the weeks thoughts will rush at me. Like a movie. The tears in my nephews eyes, my boss pissing me off, remebering Steve slapping me, remembering how I yelled at my mom once in middle school because she got out when she came to pick me up and I was embarrassed...and I never apologized to her or told her I loved her for caring before she died. lying in bed with the doctors yelling push and begging God to let me keep Jayden. I promised him my life, my posessions, I wouldnt sin, I wouldnt eat, I wouldnt speed, just dont take her from me. Then I get up, shaking, agitated, unable to breathe, and when I see that Razor-Calm. Steady Hands. Breathing Normal. Heart slowing down. Relaxation. Numbness. Mind blank. Then Red. All the thoughts, anger, running out of me. A cut for every thought. Relief for every scene of the movie in my head. Then peace. Then sleep. I told her when Im at work Im not sneaking off to go cut or fidgeting like a crackhead with my next slice from a razor. Its a state of mind. My private zone. My relief. She said tomorrow night at the group session shes going to give me a bag of rubberbands before I leave, to remind her. OMG!!! Shes so sweet but dont think she fully understands self injury.
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