I don't really understand why I get urges to inflict wounds to myself. I've been trying to understand. It used to be that whenever I was unhappy or upset, I would find ways of getting into fights and taking out my frustrations and aggresions that way. After some time I got to the point where I got sick of living that wayu, not to mention spending most weekends in jail. It took time, but eventually I changed. Now I go to the opposite extreme, instead of hurting others I hurt myself. It seems that to deal with things I need to hurt someone else or hurt myself. I don't cut myself. I use cigarettes or a hot crack pipe to burn myself. I don't do it so that others can see and I can get a reaction from them. I usually do it when I'm by myself. I don't think much of myself. Most times I feel worthless and even deserving of bad things happening to me. I think I do it to get out the feelings that I have and because I deserve to be hurt and have permanent reminders of why I'm a worthless piece of crap that could never recieve enough physical pain to make up for all the pain I brought to others. Maybe that isn't even the true reason, cause I don't even really feel any pain...maybe for just a brief moment. I'm hoping that someone here may have insights or advice on why I do this and/or how I can stop. This is all new to me...opening up and talking about my problems (of which I have many), asking others for help and advise. I have joined several communities cause I have many different issues. I have a feeling though that they all probably stem back to a central one...just don't know what and wonder if I'll ever be able to get better until I can figure it out and resolve it. I am open to any advise anyone can offer. I can't continue living the way I do and if I don't find a way to get better, eventually I'll succeed at killing myself. I've made too many attempts already and if busybodies hadn't interfered I would have succeeded. Each time I was sure that no one would be around, but somehow some nosy neighbor or relative came by. Next time I'll make sure it'll be too late for someone to bring me back. If I don't get better soon it'll happen. I've been hurting mentally and emotionally for as long as I can remember and I can't go on like this. It has to stop. Help me please. Help me find away to stop hurting.
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