Ok I know i have written a lot of topics on here lately and i know they don't get many repies but i am going to try one more time. I am really struggling right now. I am having intense urges and idk what to do. I seem to have tried every coping skill that I have and NOTHING seems to work. I even had a bit of retail therapy today and that didn't even help. I went to the store and bought some razor blades which is kind of scarey b/c I have never cut with a razor blade before, but I want something that is going to do a lot of damge. Something that will cut deep, really deep., so i bought I them. I hid them in my drawer where no one will find them. I have had this intense need to cut really deep for days and its kind of scarey. I have never really felt like this before. Usually I just little cuts that bleed a little but nothing major and no all of a sudden all I want is too see MAJOR blood. Why? Where is this coming from? Does this mean that the little cuts aren't enough anymore and now I feel the need to move on to bigger things? Does this mean that the cutting is finally out of control? or does it just mean that I am addicted and now I am ready to take my addiction one step further. Idk what it means but it scares me. I have felt soo anxious today. Like shaking, sick my stomach anxiious. I haven't really been home all day. Just to drop off the milk and razor blades at my house and then I talked to staff and left again and now I am at the library. I am scared to go home. Scared to be in my house for fear of what i might do to myself. I haven't really told anyone about these feelings. My therapist is oiut of town and so is my other therapist. I haven't told staff b/c I don't wanna go to the hospital, but maybe thats where I need to be idk. I have contracted for safety with one of the staff member for today and I have promised her that if I feel really anxious like I am going to cut, I will the emergency line. Thats all good, but idk if my word is enough. I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. At least no professional people anyway. I guess I could call my pdoc but what is he going to do? Idk. We just increased one of my meds so I hope that that kicks in soon so I will start to feel less anxious. My best friend doesn't even know how I am really feeling b/c she doesn't like to talk about all the "drama" as she puts it, and I don't really have any other friends that I can talk to about this. HELP!!!!! SOMEONE HELP!!!!! Ok I am sorry to have bothered you all, but if someone could plz help me I would appreciate it. Hope I am not being too much of a pain.
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...