Ok I know i have written a lot of topics on here lately and i know they don't get many repies but i am going to try one more time. I am really struggling right now. I am having intense urges and idk what to do. I seem to have tried every coping skill that I have and NOTHING seems to work. I even had a bit of retail therapy today and that didn't even help. I went to the store and bought some razor blades which is kind of scarey b/c I have never cut with a razor blade before, but I want something that is going to do a lot of damge. Something that will cut deep, really deep., so i bought I them. I hid them in my drawer where no one will find them. I have had this intense need to cut really deep for days and its kind of scarey. I have never really felt like this before. Usually I just little cuts that bleed a little but nothing major and no all of a sudden all I want is too see MAJOR blood. Why? Where is this coming from? Does this mean that the little cuts aren't enough anymore and now I feel the need to move on to bigger things? Does this mean that the cutting is finally out of control? or does it just mean that I am addicted and now I am ready to take my addiction one step further. Idk what it means but it scares me. I have felt soo anxious today. Like shaking, sick my stomach anxiious. I haven't really been home all day. Just to drop off the milk and razor blades at my house and then I talked to staff and left again and now I am at the library. I am scared to go home. Scared to be in my house for fear of what i might do to myself. I haven't really told anyone about these feelings. My therapist is oiut of town and so is my other therapist. I haven't told staff b/c I don't wanna go to the hospital, but maybe thats where I need to be idk. I have contracted for safety with one of the staff member for today and I have promised her that if I feel really anxious like I am going to cut, I will the emergency line. Thats all good, but idk if my word is enough. I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. At least no professional people anyway. I guess I could call my pdoc but what is he going to do? Idk. We just increased one of my meds so I hope that that kicks in soon so I will start to feel less anxious. My best friend doesn't even know how I am really feeling b/c she doesn't like to talk about all the "drama" as she puts it, and I don't really have any other friends that I can talk to about this. HELP!!!!! SOMEONE HELP!!!!! Ok I am sorry to have bothered you all, but if someone could plz help me I would appreciate it. Hope I am not being too much of a pain.
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